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THE IMPACT OF A MISCARRIAGE ON THE MALE

Dr. John Braccio and Dave Akerly discuss on 1320 WILS AM- It is safe to say there is not enough discussion in our society on the impact of a miscarriage on a woman. Even more so it is true with a man. Men also feel horrible about the miscarriage as do women. Men often must subsume their feelings in support of their partners  who have had the miscarriage and all the accompanying psychological and physical effects.  Their success varies in each situation and it depends on the level of understanding and communication that exists between them. The key is to focus on the present painful feelings in a process to improve them. Sadly,men too often do not work to psychologically overcome their own wounded feelings and related potential psychological problems. These would include: 1.Not discussing the impact of the miscarriage. 2.Focusing on the needs of the partner and not self which can be as painful and life disrupting. 3.Not knowing how to talk to the partner in an appropriate manner. 4.Others will talk to him about how to help the partner and  not him. 5.Does not seek out professional help. 6.Does not  communicate with partner about the feelings he may have to not always discussing the miscarriage in an open,honest and sensitive manner.  7.Not able to understand their own overwhelming feelings of depression,guilt and anger by trying to ignore and/or suppress them with activities and any other thoughts.  8.Substance abuse is also a potential problem…As a psychologist for many years,I have worked with many individual men devastated by a miscarriage.

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THE IMPORTANCE OF CHRISTIAN TRADITIONS FOR CHRISTIANS

An important note is that religious traditions are important to all religious groups. The reason for focusing on Christians is that December 25th is a national holiday that many millions of Americans celebrate now and have since before the founding of the country. Christian traditions develop strong relational bonds between persons of all ages. In a world with increasing isolation for many persons, building Christian family traditions can be a bridge to a better sense of belonging with an important and loving group. For Christians, Christmas is the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ. Celebrating his birth includes such things as wreaths, nativity scenes, Christmas Trees, gifts, special foods, family get-togethers, caroling , religious ceremonies, nativity scenes, and yes, the Hallmark Channel Movies on Christmas. For one example of the importance and longevity of these traditions, my wife has spent all 70 Christmas Eves of her life celebrating them with ever-changing and developing family members over the generations as people die and are born. She spent her first 17 years in Cuba raised by a Cuban mother and a Spanish father. She brought her Christmas traditions with her and we continue them with our children and grandchildren. Her traditions are essentially the same as I experienced with an Italian-born father. Christians believe with faith that those that live now will eventually meet and spend eternity with family members no longer here. These beliefs are cemented in the traditions of  Christmas and other great Christian holidays. The birth of Christ is the never-ending birth of Christianity and the resulting traditions.

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EMOTIONAL TRAUMA PERSONS OFTEN EXPERIENCE WITH LONG TERM CHRONIC PAIN AND/OR CHRONIC ILLNESS

For years we have done psychological evaluations with persons with long term chronic pain who desire the Spinal Cord Stimulator to try to get relief from the ongoing terrible pain. Anyone who has chronic pain and/or chronic illness will relate how horrible and debilitating it is 24/7. The effects also negatively impact on loved ones and caretakers. The following are representative of the emotional trauma persons with chronic pain and/or chronic illness experience over time: 1.DIFFICULTIES WITH APPROPRIATE DIAGNOSIS. 2. BELIEF IN RECOVERY IN SPITE OF LONG TERM SIGNS THIS WILL NOT OCCUR. 3. ONGOING EMOTIONAL AGONY OF BOTH CERTAINTY AND UNCERTAINTY. 4. SEVERE DEPRESSION AND EVEN DESPAIR. 5.SUBSTANCE ABUSE AND/OR ADDICTION. 6.SUICIDE IDEATION AND EVEN SUICIDE. 7.REASONABLE ACCEPTANCE AND TRYING TO FIND EFFECTIVE COPING MECHANISMS…I salute the many persons who daily fight and succeed in the very difficult battle of chronic pain and/or chronic illness. I also salute their loved ones and caretakers. 

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DO NOT DESTROY THE SELF-IMAGE OF YOUR CHILDREN

Parents too often damage the self-image with no intention while others sadly seem to enjoy it. Regardless of motive, the following are some things not to do with your children: 1.Demand perfection. 2.Constant criticism. 3. Making too many of their age-appropriate decisions. 4. Harping on past perceived shortcomings. 5.Physical hitting. 6.Constant yelling. 7.Constant negative comparison with others. 8.Inappropriate praise. 9. Forcing them to make inappropriate for their age decisions. 10.Sarcasm, cutting, and demeaning statements…As parents, we must do all we can do to foster good self-image for them to best have a chance for a successful and happy life

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THE PERVASIVENESS OF GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder)

Due to its pervasiveness that impacts on millions of Americans daily, it is good to know more about it. It is best described as ongoing anxiety that is chronic, excessive and impacts on many facets in the life of the person. It can be excessive worry about the weather, personal health or that of others, job security, relationships, driving, communication, possible problems ten years from now or literally anything a human being can think about. The condition can be totally debilitating and can lead to physical problems, substance abuse and depression to name a few. Some combination of medication  and counseling is generally seen as the best way to treat GAD. I have read that up to 90% of visits to primary care physicians relate to anxiety. 

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MAKE THANKSGIVING A SUPER SPECIAL DAY BY BEING GRATEFUL

Dr. Braccio speaks with Dave Akerly of WILS 1320 AM on the Morning Wake-Up w/Dave Akerly. For simplification, Thanksgiving is a time to give thanks for what we have in our lives. Regardless of whatever problems we have, we must set them aside and search our inner being for giving thanks. It can range from the air we breathe to great family, friendship and/or love we have now or have experienced in our lives. It is a day to not consider all areas of conflict, anger and disputes. As a musical thought, a good song  for Thanksgiving is LOOK FOR THE SILVER LINING from a recording Mario Lanza did nearly 70 years ago.

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HOW TO CHANGE A NEGATIVE ATTITUDE

Dr. Braccio discusses on “The Morning Wake-Uo With Dave Akerly” HOW TO CHANGE A NEGATIVE ATTITUDE. Too many people are victims of what is appropriately often called  the “inner critic”. To be positive,the following can be helpful in the overall goal of being happy and not living a negative and dreary life because of a bad attitude:  1.SUBSTITUTE  NEGATIVE THOUGHTS WITH POSITIVE ONES. 2.SURROUND YOURSELF WITH POSITIVE PEOPLE. 3.STAY AWAY FROM NEGATIVE PEOPLE AS MUCH AS POSIBLE. 4.AS HARD AS IT MAY BE,FIND POSITIVE TRAITS YOU HAVE AND BUILD ON THEM TO BEGIN ENHANCING YOUR SELF-IMAGE AND ATTITUDE. 5.BELIEVE YOU CAN BE POSITIVE AND WORK AT IT EVERY DAY. 5.SEEK OUT PEOPLE WHO ARE GOOD AT HOW YOU WANT TO BE AND MODEL THEIR ATTITUDES AND BEHAVIORS. 6.TALK TO POSITIVE PERSONS AND LEARN FROM THEM HOW THEY DEVELOPED THEIR POSITIVE ATTITUDES. 7.DEVELOP A PLAN AS YOU BUILD A POSITIVE ATTITUDE AND DETERMINE THE OVERALL POSITIVE PERSON YOU WILL BECOME. A good quote of Oscar Wilde that fits our topic is:  WHAT IS A CYNIC?  A MAN WHO KNOWS THE PRICE OF EVERYTHING AND THE VALUE OF NOTHING. A favorite saying of my mother was:  THE OPTIMIST AND PESSIMIST HAVE THE SAME FREQUENCY OF ERROR,BUT THE OPTIMIST IS SO MUCH HAPPIER AND POSITIVE.

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WHY IT IS SO HARD FOR PEOPLE TO SAY THEY ARE SORRY

Dr. Braccio discusses on “The WILS-AM  1320 Morning Wake-Up With Dave Akerly”—WHY IT IS SO HARD FOR PEOPLE TO SAY THEY ARE SORRY. How often do we hear persons say they are hurt or angry because persons will not say they are sorry for what was said or done. Each of us must admit we have had these same feelings from time to time. With something so common and potentially devastating to relationships, it is important to look at reasons this is true. Common reasons people have such a hard time saying they are sorry for hurtful words and actions would be as follows:  FEELING VULNERABLE. DANGER OF LOSING POWER. FEAR OF LOSING STATUS. WILL NOT TAKE RESPONSIBILITY. PROJECTING THE GUILT ON THE OTHER PERSON.  OBLIVIOUS TO THE IMPACT OF WORDS AND ACTIONS ON OTHERS. FEAR OF REJECTION. FEAR IT IS ADMITTING INADEQUACY.  NOT SURE IT WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN. DOES NOT BELIEVE ANY NEED TO USE THE WORD SORRY. ENJOYS THE WORDS OR ACTS. Unfortunately, too many persons use these reasons and others, whether consciously or unconsciously, to not appropriately say they feel sorry when hurting human beings with words and actions. We all have to work on feeling sorry when we do this. The time to start is now.

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WHY CHOOSING GOOD FRIENDS IS CRITICAL TO YOUR PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL HEALTH

Solid friendships nourish our self-esteem and enhance us as persons by having other human beings with similar values who are there to positively interact and share who we are.  A true friend is with you in both the good and bad times. It is easy to be a friend of those riding high in life. When suffering the lows that all human beings experience at times in their lives,that is when true friendship rises to the forefront. Sadly,that is where too many people find out their friendships are more situational than true and deep. True friends help us deal with physical illness,Depression,Anxiety,Substance Abuse,Anger,Relational Problems,Divorce,and any other matter that relates to human interaction. Persons without friends are often lonely,far more prone to suicide and having physical and emotional problems lasting longer than when they have friends who are sympathetic to them and give them emotional support. As Cicero said-“A true friend is another you.

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ELIMINATE GUILT WHEN A LOVED ONE COMMITS SUICIDE

Sadly,I have worked with many persons over the decades in my work who have suffered sometimes unimaginable guilt when a loved one commits suicide. The critical factor to accept is that the person who commits suicide is the only person responsible for it. Regardless of why,ranging from severe depression to simply choosing not to live anymore,that decision was made regardless of whatever you said or did. To endlessly seek out what you or someone else might have done is unknown and leads nowhere because we will never know. Even when we do not know why the suicide occurred,we can be quite sure it was planned out even if it appears spontaneous. We must do our unique personal grieving and move forward in life. Accept that anger,depression and other emotions are reasonable feelings that often occur after suicides of persons who are close to us. We can love and cherish the memories that were shared together

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HOW NOT TO INTIMIDATE OTHERS.

Dr. Braccio on “The morning wake-up with Dave Akerly” discusses: HOW NOT TO INTIMIDATE OTHERS. The first thing to do is to accurately assess our social environment and try to see how and when we can intimidate others even if we have no intent. Even if hard to do, to ask someone who knows you well to honestly tell you about possible intimidation could be most helpful. Common factors that cause intimidation would include physical size, physical appearance, wealth/economic status, social status, brilliance/very intelligent, knowledgeable, powerful voice, work position/power, position in the family, power gestures, staring and the appearance of superiority. Humility, humor, smiling, acceptance and friendliness are antidotes to intimidation. 

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CHARACTERISTICS OF PARENTAL ALIENATION IN THE CHILD

1.Ceaseless  complaining about the alienated parent and often everything he or she says or does. 2.Identical complaints of the alienating parent often using idénticos  words and phrases.  3.Total agreement with one parent over the other in a toxic and extreme manner.  4.Anger and alienation extends to other family members and friends of the alienated parent. 5.No compassion or guilt for total attack on the alienated parent. 
   The sad outcome for the child can be a lifelong alienation from the alienated parent and family. The person also may develop a non-trusting personality with misplaced anger for other persons developed through their own misguided and distorted beliefs about the alienated parent and continuing  it with other persons in their lives. The end result can be a very unhappy person who is not able to develop appropriate relationships with persons in their lives ranging from the workplace to marriages and other personal relationships.

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CHARACTERISTICS OF THE MALE SPOUSAL BATTERER

Even though there are female batterers, men vastly outnumber them. Typical characteristics of male spousal batterers are:  Physical abuse. Verbal  abuse. Jealousy. Controlling. Manipulative. Charming. Demanding. Heavy pressure for early commitment. Impossible expectations. Treat others poorly. Blame others and never themselves. Anger problems. Physically destructive. Shamed in their childhood often by their fathers.

9-17-19 Dave AckerlyDownload
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Intentional Acts of Love

Dr. Braccio talks with Dave Ackerly on the “Morning Wake-up with Dave Akerly” on July 16, 2019 on WILS, 1320 AM in Lansing,Michigan about—ACTS OF INTENTIONAL LOVE AND CARING CAN CEMENT LOVE IN THE RELATIONSHIP. Too often, spouses and partners begin to overlook or literally forget the behaviors that helped them to fall in love. The following are examples that will help any meaningful relationship:  1.Statements like—I LOVE YOU!  YOU MEAN EVERYTHING TO ME!  YOU ARE THE BEST!  I THANK GOD EVERYDAY FOR SENDING YOU TO ME!  2.Kisses and hugs with feeling on a daily basis. 3.Plan regular romantic times together. 4.Plan times to talk to each other about the feelings of each and the overall health of the relationship. 5.Give unexpected gifts, regardless of value, to show love and appreciation. 6.Take your love to dinner or do something special when the other is having a hard day.
   Each relationship is different and what acts of intentional love and caring used to cement the love in the relationship vary depending on the person’s particular needs and desires.

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THE VALUES YOU CHOOSE WILL DETERMINE WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU WILL ACCOMPLISH IN YOUR LIFETIME

Each of us as a person is the result of our overall value system. Good human beings in the conduct of their lives show such things as compassion, understanding, fairness, perseverance, consistency, loyalty, love, honesty and protectiveness. The above list is not exhaustive but shows the human values that will result in behaviors that will be helpful to all persons they have interactions. Spirituality adds a dimension to values that are consistent with those mentioned above. John

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HOW TO COPE WITH THE HORRIBLE REALITY OF DIVORCE

.Accept the legitimacy of your feelings. 2.Accept the reality of your situation. 3.Recognize  time will as a minimum reduce the horrible feelings. 4.Seek out friends and family to talk things out. 5.Seek out a therapist. 6.As appropriate for each person, seek out spiritual support. 7. Do not allow feelings of defeat, rejection, anger and severe frustration to stop you from seeking out a healthy accepting attitude about yourself regardless of any perceived mistakes you may have made. 8.Prepare to move on in a new direction and have a successful life and potentially a new beginning with a  new person in a relationship. 

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HE TRAGEDY Of PARENTAL ALIENATION ON ALL INVOLVED

The parent who orchestrates the parental alienation often becomes a very angry, lying, manipulative person who most negatively impacts not just self but also the child he or she professes to love. The child gets in the middle of both parents and is often coerced to do lying, repeating, imagining, treating horribly the alienated parent and being in a position to always comfort, agree with and support the parent who is doing the alienating. The alienated parent is in the situation of suffering great emotional distress as the child he or she loves treats him or her  horribly and refuses to even work on changing or talking things out. Things even get worse when the alienated child is encouraged to have little or nothing to do with grandparents and other members of the family of the alienated parent. This can lead to problems with family cohesion and further isolates the alienated parent as the the child also becomes alienated from many or all family members on his or her side. The tragedy is complete and often is never rectified because the anger in embedded with beliefs that often take hold and do not change. The sad thing is that the parents  who do the alienating would be appalled if they saw another person doing the same thing because they are not aware of what they are doing or choose to ignore it as they take on a virtuous image of self as trying to help the child against the evil or horrible parent of the child. Often this alienation  is a continuation of a divorce or a horrible break-up of the couple that one cannot accept.