Question

JHB

Dr.Braccio:  My husband and I were talking about what we now konya merkez bayan arkadaş accept as our lifelong obsession with security.  Our parents, who were from the Great Depression Era, raised us this way.  We’ve always been cautious and have secure governmental jobs.  My husband did not play sports in high school out of fear he might get hurt and I always have been in the background so as not to be noticed.  Our older children are the same and both have relatively secure jobs.  Our unexpected thirteen year old, fifteen years younger than his sister and seventeen years younger than his brother, is a risk taker and has already worn us out with worry. He plays football, baseball and any other sport he can.  While we worry, we do realize he thrives on competition and seems to be happy, even if intense much of the time.  Unexpectedly, he has taught us that life offers more than security.  Even our older children, who also follow his athletic career, are amazed by him and how different he is from us.  We all follow his athletic career.  Even though late, how can we get more zip in our life and how can we not worry so much about him?

Answer

You have big questions.  To begin with, you have had successful lives and have eliminated much risk.  To have security in this unpredictable world is positive.  Your influence over your two older children is obvious because they are like you.  Your youngest son clearly beats to his own drum, and his drum beats to one of excitement and challenge.  With him around, this can be a good time to change and “get more zip” in your life.

An important thing to remember is that thinkers from Julius Caesar to modern day guru Dr. Wayne Dyer have said fear of the unknown causes more fear than what we can see.  To seek out the unknown and meet new challenges can be exhilarating if fear of the unknown does not stop us from trying new things.

In your own situation, look at life from a probability perspective.  For example, to spend money to buy a modest cottage may be a risk, but look at your financial situation and job security.  It would appear that after such a review, you would determine to buy the cottage if you so desired.  On the other hand, to quit your jobs and go to California to seek a more exciting 1960s life would not make sense without a lot of planning.

It is positive you are not seeing your son as “wrong” and trying to stifle his thriving on “competition” and being happy with the life he is living.  This is a compliment to the parenting of both of you.  While you need to teach him how to be stable, effective and balanced, his competitive life is positive for him and try to learn from him.  Recognize there are risks in what he does, but the positive excitement and achievement make them acceptable.  This outlook can reduce your worrying.

Enjoy his life with him and “go with the flow”.  This may be difficult after so many years of “Depression Era” thinking.  The key thing is to relax and get some excitement through some uncertainty that can keep the blood flowing.  Remember the excitement in the voice of Captain Kirk of Star Trek when he said he would “go where no man has gone before”.  Even if you are not ready to become Captain Kirk, go places emotionally and physically where you have not been before and you will “get more zip in you life.”  The unique factor is that your son can be your guide!

Any questions or comments would be appreciated!

Question

Dr.Braccio:  My nine and eleven konya merkez escort year old children are being very mean and unfair to me.  Their father and I divorced eight years ago.  He began dating even before we separated and the kids never complained.  For the first time, I have met a kind man at our church through our minister and am dating him.  He has no children and is very nice to my children.  They treat him horribly, do not want me to date him, and to add insult to injury, their father, who philandered on me, agrees with them and says I should date no one and just look after them!  I had it out with him and he’s threatening to quit seeing the kids even though he only spends a few days a month with them anyway.  What should I do?  I’m hurt, angry, and frustrated.

Answer

That your children do not want you to date and want you to themselves is common. That your ex-spouse has involved himself negatively and threatens not to see the children if you continue dating is outrageous and reflects horribly on his character.

There is a need for a balance between your needs and those of your children.  If your ex-spouse chooses not to see them if you date is inappropriate behavior on his part and your children will figure this out.

You can explain to your children why you will date and your life cannot be determined by his whims.  He apparently is trying to punish you or is not willing to fully let you go.  Either way, whether you date or not is none of his business unless you are being destructive to the children and you are not.  He has been destructive to them and his new threat, if carried out, would tragically be more of the same.

You need to sit down with your children and let them know you do not love them less because you need companionship and love from an adult partner.  Even if hard for them to accept, they must because this is the fair thing to do and part of their growing up.

Be sensitive when you talk to them but do not allow their unreasonableness to destroy your possibility for happiness.  Even though it may be hard for them to understand and accept in the short run, help them separate their reasonable fear of change from what is unreasonable.

To enlist the support of your minister could be very helpful because you met at the church, he knows both of you and you went out with him “through the minister”.  For him to lead the family in prayer could also be helpful.

An outside therapist trained in such a common but very delicate situation as yours could also be helpful.  You can also call the school counselor of each, if different, and enlist their support in this situation.

 Question

Dr.Braccio:  Our eight konya merkez escort year old son is having problems dealing with anger and frustration.  He’s blowing up and sulking if he does not get his way or is stymied in something he wants to do.  This is a relatively new problem.  It does not happen all the time, but enough to cause us concern.  He gets confused and blows up.  We have backed off to some degree because he had to get angry to defend himself from a fifteen year old cousin who lived with us for four months during an illness of my sister and his mother.  We weren’t aware that he was bullying him when we were not around until shortly before he left.  Even though his cousin in gone, he now shows us the anger he developed as a defense while frustrated by his cousin when bullied.  What should we do?

 Answer

Sit down and talk to your son in a kind and reassuring way.  Talk to him at a level he can understand.  Tell him you feel bad his cousin bullied him and that he did not deserve it.  He needs to know his reaction in the bullying situation is not acceptable now.  He is old enough to understand this.  Let him know you let him continue with these inappropriate behaviors because you felt bad about how he was treated but that is over.  Let him know it is wrong for you as parents to not teach him appropriate reactions to problems and frustrating events.  He also must know he cannot always have his own way.  Perhaps it is appropriate for you to apologize for not being more aware of the situation that led to his experiences of being victimized by his cousin.

Even though you did not mention it, and hopefully this has already occurred, you need to make sure your son knows you have talked to his cousin and let him know he will not be welcome in your home if he again bullies your son.  He also needs to apologize to your son for what he did.  If he will not, then he can never return to your home until he does.  I’m sure your sister, if she has not already, would help this to happen.

Your son needs to learn how to express his frustration in a healthy way.  You may need to teach him to use words like frustrated, hurt, angry, etc. in statements to get his feelings out.  You then can talk to him to get his feelings appropriately expressed and come up with strategies to help him adapt.  These conversations need to occur when he feels calm and in control.  It is then you can role-play or play-act scenarios to practice these preferred behaviors.

Also of tremendous importance is to adapt a very willing and open stance to accommodate his legitimate frustrations and feelings, allowing him room to understand that they are expressions of how he feels, but they do not make him an unworthy person of your love, security and positive regard.  Separating his reactive feelings from his self-identify can help him understand his feelings and make better behavior choices.  The key goal is for him to express his feelings in an appropriate and healthy manner.

Any questions or comments would be appreciated.

Question

Dr.Braccio:  My husband and I have been leading a pleasant retirement life mersin anamur escort bayanları for the past six years.  Our four children and their families who live in the community are doing well.  The concern is that our oldest daughter, who has caused us great heartache, wants to return to Michigan to start anew and to mend bridges with her siblings and us after leaving thirteen years ago with one child in her arms and pregnant.  We have kept in touch and see them a few times a year.  She has 12, 13 and 14 year old children by three different fathers who have no involvement with the children.  She now wants to move in and live with us while she gets back on her feet here and she actually has a job waiting for her.  We really want to help but fear she will never leave or only leave if we have a big fight.  My husband is more positive than I am.  Our other children are either neutral or tell us to never do it.  She seems different now and wants to put her life in order.  Her children, even though a little rough around the edges, are good children and want to be with us.  We really want to help out but she has a history of failing on commitments.  The difference is that she now seems to really be trying.  We also feel guilt for whatever reason.  My brother and his wife say we would be better to help her out with an apartment or a house rental for a while.  We could easily do that.  What should we do?  We’re afraid of making a big mistake.

Answer

Only you can decide what to do.  That she is reaching out is positive.  That she seems to be changing and wants to come back home and be with her family is positive.  She may be maturing and wanting to put her life in order.  If you can help her to this end, it would be wonderful for her, the children, both of you and the whole family.

Based on her previous behaviors, you need to be cautious and not let your heart make a decision without using your head.  This could easily lead to a giant blow up in your home that would set all relationships back a long ways and would be destructive to the children.

Do not make a decision based on guilt.  The end result will most likely be resentment.  If you help her, let it be because you want to and feel it will be helpful and the right thing to do.  You also need to know you really do not know them well and you need time to get to know each other on an ongoing basis.

If you can handle the finances, your brother and sister-in-law make lot of sense when they suggest you help her rent an apartment or house for say six months.  It would take all the pressure off you and the odds of a blowup is greatly reduced.  You would all be able to get adjusted to each other with separate living quarters.

Question

Dr.Braccio:  Our 13 year old son karatay olgun bayan is just a plain tease.  He loves to kid people, tell jokes and be the center of attention.  He’s a leader.  Our concern is that he can be very annoying.  At times, he doesn’t know when to stop and can be offensive to family and friends.  The problem is that people usually love him and it’s hard to get him to change.  What should we do?  We don’t want to put him down too much and stop his spontaneity.

Answer

Teasing ranges from playful fun to hurtful words, gestures, and actions.  Your son seems to be playful, witty, and fun.  The problem is that he can be offensive, annoying, and not know when to stop teasing.  He needs coaching from both of you as to what is appropriate and inappropriate teasing.

To thrive on interaction with people is wonderful for him and others when it is a positive exchange.  He needs to find other ways to fulfill his social needs besides teasing to create a better balance in his human environment.  For example, encourage him to do compassionate work for others to fill his need for up-front human interaction in an environment where negative teasing would have no place.

His personality can get him far in life.  People like to be around clever, witty, and fun loving people.  Applaud and further develop those traits.  You clearly do not want to stifle his obvious uniqueness and spontaneity.  However, do not underestimate the inappropriateness of his teasing when he offends others or the toll it will take on future friendships and relationships.  People tire quickly of the tease who annoys, offends, and does not know when to stop.

The following are some suggestions to eliminate the negative aspects of his teasing:

1.  Have regular family meetings to discuss the negative results of being annoying, offensive, and not knowing when to stop teasing.

2.  Make sure the negative aspects of his teasing are not due to some combination of hidden anger, hostility, and low self-esteem that he expresses as a passive-aggressive form of humor.

3.  Have him keep track of when people find him annoying and offensive, and then help him correct his teasing in similar future situations.

Question 

Dr.Braccio:  My seventeen year old karatay kadın escort son is strongly influenced by a person he thinks is a friend but is someone who always lets him down.  This is said even though he’s always friendly to his face.  He says he’s coming over and doesn’t show up.  I’ve warned him about him and he seems to even agree with me when he has hurt him.  But then he’s back again with him.  The thing that pushed me to contact you was when he lied to get him in trouble at school with some of his friends.  He gained nothing but hurt my son and his relationships.  Even though the principal told him and me what was said, he has trouble not believing his friend when he says he didn’t say it.  When at my suggestion he asked him to go and meet with the principal, the boy said he didn’t want to meet with the principal under any circumstances and they’re again back together.  What’s wrong and what should I do?

Answer

It seems your son values this friendship to the point he is blind to what is happening.  It is clearly a case of low self-esteem.  He values the “false friendship” over respect for himself.  This is more common than you would think at his age.  Do not bank on it, but in all probability he will eventually tire of this relationship and move on.  It would then be a building block on what not to accept in a friendship.

Even though you have not been successful to date, you need to reinforce to him how bad this person is for his self-esteem and that he will continue to hurt him as long as he chooses to be with him.  Even if he gets upset, to say something when he is hurt and obviously not being treated unfairly is good parenting.  To discuss the situation whenever he is willing is also good parenting.

The fact he would lie about your son for no apparent motive and thus hurt his relationship with others shows the mischief this person is capable of doing.  He simply lies to cause trouble for your son, even if he apparently gains nothing from it.  Even though his only motive may be to bother your son and feel powerful, there very well could be some jealousy or anger he has for your son that is not seen.

The apparent lack of motive with someone who is “always friendly to his face” makes it hard for your son to end the friendship.  That someone can be such a bad friend and lie so easily is alarming.  That he continues to hone his skills on your son is not only painful to him but he could get in major trouble if this boy succeeds in lying about a serious problem such as stealing, drug use, drug manufacturing, sexuality, or drug trafficking in the future.

Question

Dr.Braccio:  My seventeen konya merkez kadın numaraları year old daughter is having a hard time emotionally.  Her father died in a car accident when I was pregnant with her.  He was speeding and ran into a tree.  Her stepfather adopted her when we married and she was three years old.  They love each other and he treats her like his daughter.  Even though it never bothered her before, she feels bad she looks nothing like her two brothers and sister and does not have their superior academic skills.  That she is far more outgoing and popular does not make her feel better.  She is very pretty, popular, athletic and is an above average student.  For some reason, she has only recently been focusing on this.  I’ve not said much about her father to her and she never seemed to be very interested.  He was basically good but immature. He said he was treated very poorly when growing up.  He was very handsome and athletic but had little or no motivation for work or school.  We loved each other but were both very young and foolish.  I actually matured and grew up a lot while raising her before I married.  I’ve been trying to talk to her but do not know what to say.  He was not from Michigan.  When we met, he was not talking to anyone and I have never met anyone from his side.  What should I say to her?

Answer

The concerns of your daughter are reasonable and occur quite naturally in many persons in her circumstances.  That they are occurring at the age of seventeen is not usual or unusual.  People can wonder about their heritage when young, old or sometimes never.  This just happens to be the time for her.  You can talk to her and ask her why this is important to her now as a way to break the ice.  Be open and non-threatening to get an honest answer and guarantee good follow up discussion.

You can tell your daughter about her birth father and also about yourself when you two were together.  She is old enough for open and honest discussion.  It sounds like you two were immature, in love, and she is the wonderful product of the relationship.  You can be positive and say he probably would have matured as you have.  He apparently had some good traits that have been passed to your daughter.  That she is doing well in your home environment is positive and apparently different from how he grew up.  Her motivation to do well is a tribute to your maturity and good parenting.

You might consider making contact with his family or helping her do this now or in the future if she desires.  This is said even though it could lead to disappointment.  She needs to know this possible negative outcome to cushion any possible hurt or frustration.

The fact the children have different academic skills could be genetic or it also could relate to different skills and interests that come to children even with the same parents.  It also appears she may have developed her social skills more as they have developed their academic skills.  The key thing is for her to look at her wonderful self and not compare herself with others.  From what you say, she need not take a back seat to anyone.

Any questions or comments would be appreciated.