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Even The Tiniest of Lies Disrupts Family

Question

 Dr.Braccio:  My husband and I believe anamur bayan escort honesty is the most important quality to judge a person by.  Our ten and twelve year old children are generally truthful but do lie a bit about completing chores as we request and completing their homework.  They try to minimize the lies and we probably maximize them.  What do you think?

 Answer

I believe that “honesty is the best policy”.  I also agree with you about the importance of honesty.  In fact, the stature of a person is greatly diminished if we cannot believe what they say.

You cannot maximize the inappropriateness of lying.  Persons can only be judged by their integrity; and honesty is the core element.

As parents, we must model honesty and demand it of our children.  To do otherwise is ineffective parenting and ultimately will hurt their relationships with others.  Let them know the punishment will be far more severe for lying than for whatever they did not do.

Do not listen to those who say all children lie about such things and to ignore it.  To do that is both ineffective parenting and an invitation to add new areas to lie about.  Lying is flat out unacceptable in a home and everywhere else.

Human nature is such that if one does not stop negative behaviors, they become ingrained into our personalities.  It also is true that lying is easy to develop and deceptively hard to eliminate.     You simply need to think of liars you know that even though their lying hurts or destroys their relationship with others, they persist in their self-defeating behaviors.

“To lie” is not a trait one wants because the end result is have no true friends and low self-esteem.  Friendship, love, spirituality, and a healthy marriage are impossible for persons who lie to each other.

A problem the best of parents seems to have is to decide which lies are important and not important.  Live by the rule that all lies are important and unacceptable.

Even if we live in an age where lying under certain circumstances is seen as acceptable, let your home be a place where honesty thrives and grows so your children can be models of honesty for themselves and their peers.

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Speaking Psychologically 9-11-12

An interesting topic could be–POSSIBLE karatay escort POSSITIVE EFFECTS OF DIVORCE–Divorce is a horrible experience under the best of circumstances. Regardless of the situation at the time of the divorce it is a time of shattered dreams of days gone by.  With that said positive effects can be–1.A new career.  2.Better self-esteem.  3.End of physical and/or emotional divorce. 4.Positive parenting experience without a negative spouse.  5.Get rid of a controlling spouse.  5.Financial independence now or in the future.

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Middle School Transition Requires Studious Habits

 

Question 

Dr.Braccio:  My son is going to karatay bayan escort the middle school next year.  He’s well liked, fairly disorganized, and basically an average student without much effort.  His teacher is worried he’ll get lost in the middle school without being better organized and looking after himself without as much teacher support.  She also says he’s not working near his potential.  I agreed but am aware I’ve never done much to push him at all and have been happy with his average grades.  Now I’m worried and want some advice to help him do better next year.  His father and I are divorced but want the best for our son.  What do you suggest we do?

 Answer

 It is positive there is still time this school year to begin some of the suggestions I will make and that you and his father can work together to help him.

His teacher is helpful to advise you that he needs to be more responsible for himself in middle school.  Many children have a rude awakening when they go from a nurturing elementary to a demanding middle school environment.

The following are suggestions to help him now and in the future to prepare himself for school, achieve to his potential, and be responsible for his homework.

1.  Specific study times at home each school evening and designated weekend time as you feel necessary.  2.  Turn off the TV, radio, electronic games, and other distractions during study time.  3.  Use a daily planner.  4.  Encourage him to do well and applaud his successes.  5.  Look at his effort grades on his report card before achievement.  How hard he is trying is more important than the grade.  6.  On a daily basis, review his assignments, daily planner and give support and direction as needed.  7.  If the need arises, make available academic support to overcome areas of underachievement.  At present, this does not appear to be an issue and hopefully will not become one.  8.  Make regular contact with his teachers to better determine how he is doing and if his planner is up to date and accurate.

You will find as he becomes better organized and in a good learning routine that he will predictably take ownership for his academic performance and personal organization.  At that time, with your continued support and his ever greater success in school, he will on his own want to achieve to his potential.

Your job as a parent is to give him the tools to use to do as well as he can consistent with his ability.  You appear ready to take on this role and I strongly support your efforts.

Any questions or comments, please feel free to contact me directly.

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It’s Time for Parents to Prepare for the New School Year

It’s Time for Parents to Prepare for kocasinan bayan numaraları the New School Year

 

 

Dr. Braccio talks with Tony Conley on the Tony Conley Show on 9/4/12 about parents preparing themselves and their children for the new school year.  Children and parents need a predictable environment for both to thrive successfully and even sometimes co-exist in the same home!  I can guarantee you with countless cases I have worked with that many homes are in chaos over school matters much of the time due to poor organization and communication.  Now is the time to change that.

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Maximize Successes by Minimizing Time Spent on Past Failure

Question

 Dr.Braccio:  My seventeen year old daughter always seems to focus silifke escort ilanları on negatives.  She never thinks things will work out positively for her.  In spite of her many successes, she interviews for jobs badly and always feels proven right when she does not get the job or what she wants.  I also do this to some degree.  How can I help her?

 Answer

 Your daughter’s negative thoughts lead to a defeatist self-fulfilling prophecy where she fails because she is convinced she will.  Even though self-evident when you think about it, she highlights how outlooks shape what we achieve in life.  For example, one does not become a business leader by not wanting to work long hours or try to motivate and inspire other persons.

 I like to use the analogy of a bookcase with many books that encompasses all of one’s life.  Negative persons only read and reread the one book of all their failures in life.  Their successes in the many other books are ignored or minimized.  This appears to be what your daughter is doing.  It must stop now.

 The following are some suggestions to help your daughter be more positive.  It appears these suggestions could help you too.

 1.  Sensitively and directly tell your daughter her negative beliefs are creating her negative reality.  2.  Help her develop positive outlooks by use of a positive affirmation for every negative one she has.

Examples would be as follows:   Negative – “I am a dummy and will never get anywhere in life”.  Positive – “I am intelligent and can realistically be what I want to be”.  Negative – “Things will turn out badly for me”.  Positive – “Things will turn out good for me because I plan and work hard”.   Negative – “I will never get the job because I interview so badly”.  Positive – “I will get the job by being positive and showing in the interview how much I want the job and what I can do”.  Negative – “I must focus on my failures to be a realist about my poor changes for success”.  Positive – “I must be positive and focus on my successes as I work hard to add new ones to the growing list”.   Negative – “I’m negative!”  Positive – “I’m positive!”   Negative – “Success is based on luck”.   Positive – ““Success is generally based on consistently good decisions over a period of time”.   Negative.  “I’m a loser!”   Positive – “I’m a winner!”

We are what we think.  Our actions reflect our belief structure.  Your daughter thinks negatively in spite of what you call her “many successes”.  Help her focus on her successes as she works hard to add more to the list.

Even though it will be hard to change her long ingrained negative beliefs, help her by following the suggestions above.  The “new her” will help her to see her successes as natural and normal.

 You might even try to change with your daughter in a joint project.  It would be not only be helpful but great fun.

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Personal Success

Dr. Braccio talks with Tony Conley on 8/14/12 about how success and failure when used appropriately can help a person have a good self-esteem.What is the meaning of personal success to every person and what is konya merkez eskort the meaning of personal failure to every person?  Of course, each is part of the process of the successful high self-esteem person.
To listen to this segment, go to our Speaking Psychologically podcast tab.

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The Wisconsin Massacre

It appears Wade Michael Page was silifke eskort ilanları a hateful homicidal sociopathic murderer.  Sadly, this is becoming more common with the breakdown of the family and a society seemingly dividing into more and more competing angry groups.  The sociopath and easily led person can be at their worst in such an environment.  A poor economy and lack of spirituality only make things worse. Even excluding these problem areas there will always be evil persons doing evil deeds.  We need to do our best at identifying such persons and trying to make as sure as possible they do not become such persons or do such horrible acts.  On a lighter note, a University of Notre Dane study found honesty can help your health.

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Great-Nephew Needs Unconditional Love

Question

Dr.Braccio:  Our 13 year old karatay bayan arkadaş great nephew has moved in with us from Illinois.  Our children are grown and out of the area.  He’s lost his parents and we’re his only family.  We didn’t know him well but took him in because we wanted to and there was no one else.  We could not bear to have him in foster care.  He’s a good boy but very shy.  The problem is that he’s almost too obedient to our wishes.  We’ve told him to feel comfortable with us but it’s like he’s afraid if he gets us upset we’ll make him leave.  He keeps saying he wants to do everything right and never be a bother to us.  What should we do?

 Answer

Keep doing what you are doing.  He needs your unconditional love as the basis for him to develop a solid sense of security in your home.  He has obviously been through a lot.  When you consider he has lost his parents, left the city where he lived, lives with family he does not know well, obviously has never developed a solid base of security, and knows he lives with you due to your kindness, he probably is worried if he gets you upset or is “a bother to” you that you will make him leave.  That would be consistent with the type of rejection and loss he has apparently had in his life.

 The following are some things you can do to build his base of security with you:

1  Have regular family discussions where you begin to develop the type of open communication you need.  He needs to know there is unconditional love in the home.

2.  Do casual things like car rides, going to the movies, getting a pizza, etc. to simply have relaxing times together to develop a sense of loving family.  This can help open him up emotionally in a low key way.  Church and community activities could also be helpful.

3.  Clearly identify what you find unacceptable and desired behaviors so there is no confusion on his part.

4.  Give him applause and approval when he does what you feel is appropriate.

5.  Reinforce to him that you took him into your home because you wanted to, that you plan to keep him, that you want him to feel secure, and most importantly, that you love him.

6.  Let him know what you expect of him and that your standards are that he try to meet them rather than do “everything right” and “never be a bother”.  That attitude will only lead to anxiety and guilt.

7.  Firmly and gently correct him when he does what you do not approve of but let him know you still love him and want him to live with you.  It does not appear he will ever be a major problem in the home.

8.  Talk to the school counselor and let him/her know his circumstances.  Hopefully, there is some group with whom he could become involved.

9.  Ask the counselor to seek out school and even community activities your great nephew can become involved in if he is not already.  His involvement with the counselor in a counseling relationship could also be helpful.

10.  An experienced therapist in the community also might be helpful for him; and maybe for all of you.

 I personally think you two need to be commended for taking him into your home.  This shows love, a strong sense of family, and a desire to place the needs of someone in need ahead of your own.  In this too often “me first” age, it is very refreshing.  I feel your great nephew will do just fine in your home.  He seems like a fine young man.

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It Isn’t Too Late To Be A Good Dad

 Question

Dr.Braccio:  I’ve not silifke eskort numaraları been a good father.  My seven and eight year old children care for me more than I deserve.  My parents and sister have taken up my parenting with my ex as I’ve been doing everything but looking after them.  My ex hates me but has wanted the children to think positively about me not for my sake but so they would not hate a parent.  Her respect for me is gone forever but I want to be what my children think I am but what I’m not.  My parents tell me to be a good parent and do my job.  What should I do?

Answer

You seem to want to be a good parent.  Follow your instincts and be one.  Their mother chose not to turn them against you.  You can be very grateful to her for this.  You also can be grateful your parents and sister took up your parenting job and chose not to turn them against you.    To be given a second is wonderful.

Too often, even when with great justification, an angered ex-spouse uses all of his or her energy to destroy the relationship of the children with the other parent.  Forget what you have not been and focus all your energies into being a good parent.  Take this second chance with the zeal of a first time proud papa.  Even if your ex really despises you, slowly you may be able to turn this around by being a good parent.  Then you two can better work together for the sake of the   children.  But regardless of that, for now do your parenting job.

The following are some key things to do:

 1.  Always show your children you love them by being there for them in an honest and loving manner.  2.  Go to their events and let them see the pride you have for them and their accomplishments.  3.  Be available to them when they desire or need you.  They need to know you will be there when they need you.  4.  Be available emotionally when they need a strong father to listen to them; and most importantly, give them good advice to help them in their lives.  Because you love your children, follow your heart when you give advice.  You will then be helpful to them and yourself in the role of a loving father.  5.  Show the ex and your family you have changed.  Let your parental actions over time do the talking for you.  6.  Make sure your ex and your family know how much you appreciate what they have done for the children and you will do your part.  7.  Make sure nothing or no one changes the direction of your goal to be a good parent.  You would not deserve a third chance if you fail again.  8.  Be excited about your future with your children.  Few things in life can match the joy of helping our children develop as loving and effective human beings.

Any questions or comments would be appreciated.

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Loyalty As Part of Character Development

This topic was discussed by Dr. Braccio with Tony Conley on the Toney Conley Show on 7/7/12.  A sense of loyalty is something most of us hopefully gain in family interactions or early in life in important personal interactions.  Loyalty is a learned behavior that once developed allows one to develop positive relationships with family, friends, important persons in our lives and systems that require loyalty to succeed. President John Hannah turned down the Secretary of Defense when President Dwight Eisenhower offered it to him in 1957 because he had much to do at Michigan State University for all the current and future citizens he karatay kadın escort could help with his vision for a Land Grant University helping the world.  The famous story of the loyal dog who visited the grave of his master for fourteen years is a wonderful and powerful example of loyalty.  It is common sense if you are seen as loyal by family, friends, at work and in general interactions with others you will be respected and much happier than the person who lacks loyalty and is spurned/not trusted by others.

 

If you have questions or comments, please feel free to contact me directly.

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Speaking Psychologically 7-10-12

Listen to Dr. Braccio discuss Worker Negativity in Difficult Times 

 

Dr.Braccio discusses worker negativity and what to do to change it on silifke eskort numaraları the Toney Conley Show.  Worker negativity is an unfortunate outcome in the workplace.  This is particularly true in this ongoing period of high unemployment, underemployment and job uncertainty.  Common examples of worker negativity are as follows:  1.  Too much work/workload  2.  Concerns on ability of management to effectively manage company/system.  3.  Anxiety and fear for current and future work security.  4.  Lack of recognition for hard work and effort.  5.  Little or no involvement in decisions about your job.  Common solutions by the employer are as follows.  1.  Seek employee input, listen and give honest feedback.  2.  Fairness.  3.  Model desired behaviors and attitudes.  4.  Build team morale.  5.  Develop a vision and inspire staff to buy into it and work hard to accomplish it.  6.  Honesty in all interactions.  7.  Ongoing feedback.

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Retirement Blog

The last Q/A newsletter we sent out related to a woman who wants to retire but her husband wants her to keep working until he can retire. As the baby boomers reach retirement age, questions about when mersineskort to retire are very common.  I deal with them regularly.  Typical questions are as follows: 1. Can I/we afford to retire now.  2. If not, when?  3.  Should I retire and get another job?  4.  Should I/we retire and move?  5.  Can we live the rest of our projected lives on what resources we have?  6.  What do you do when you want to retire and your house, which you planned to be part of your retirement financial resources, has lost a lot of equity that you may need?  7.  Will I have purpose in life? etc.

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Husband’s OK Isn’t Essential

Question

Dr.Braccio:  I’m actually both hurt and escort mersin angry with my husband.  I can retire in four months and want to.  I’m worn out physically and mentally.  He can’t retire for four years and wants me to continue working.  He says we can save more money and retire at the same time.  When I told him we have enough money and I’m worn out, he yelled, “I’m worn out too but have to work and so should you”.  I’ve backed off but want to retire.  Our daughter feels he’s silly and jealous because I can retire and he can’t.  Our pastor, who has a lot of influence over him, says to be patient and hopefully he’ll change his mind.  He said he’ll help out if his views don’t change.  What do you think?

 Answer

I agree you have the right to retire if you feel this is the time.  With that said, it would be helpful to the marriage if you two were in some type of agreement about your retirement.  However, under these circumstances, you need his understanding and not his permission.

The problem is how to resolve this matter.  Ideally, your husband will think about it and come to the reasonable conclusion retirement is a good choice for you.  To continue working if you do not have to when you are “worn out physically and mentally” defies common sense.  It also puts you at needless risk for various physical and emotional problems.  For him to desire this for you reflects a lack of love and sensitivity for your needs.  For you to go along with him and continue working would give you such great anger and needless frustration.

Without sounding harsh, there does appear to be an unfair quality to his desire that you continue working because he must.  That is like saying because you wear glasse, that he must wear them too.

Even though it will be a hard decision for you because of his outlook, to retire when you can seems like the right thing to do.  To risk your emotional and physical health when you do not have to is not reasonable.  Your husband needs to accept this.

If he will not change, you may find your pastor because of his influence, has the best opportunity to soften his heart.  Discussion and prayer can hopefully help solve the problem.

Hopefully your husband will see what he asks of you is unfair, unreasonable and even selfish on his part.  If he does not change his mind and the pastor cannot help, you will retire knowing you did what was necessary and he will be angry and upset.  If so, he will need to cope with it and eventually get over it.  This may be one of those times when agreement is not possible.

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Don’t Be Fenced In By Others’ Expectations

 Question

 Dr.Braccio:  I recently returned to the area after earning a graduate degree and getting a very bayan escort mersin good job.  My problem is an odd one.  I’ve found a women full of love and very loving whom I’ve been dating that I’ve fallen in love with.  The problem is my family and two best friends are advising me not to be with her.  She has two small children, is divorced and is just in her first year of college.  They say I could do much better and it’s silly to take on the burden of the two children.  The problem is I love the children and love her.  I also know they love and need me.  Together, we’re special.  They treat me wonderfully.  Even though I think it is difficult for the children, I feel it’s positive for me that the father has no involvement and doesn’t even live in Michigan while my family and friends feel this just puts more pressure on me.  I see it as a opportunity to help these wonderful children that the father has foolishly disowned.  What do you think?  Marriage may be in our future.  We’re talking about it.  I’m so confused.

 Answer

 The critics have some valid complaints for you to consider.  You have worked hard to get a graduate degree and get the good job you now have.  Ideally, it might be a good idea to find a woman in the same situation who is single with no children.

 The problem is that love is not always logical.  You also love her two children.  As you say, “together, we’re special”.  This is significant and important.  Not only are you meeting your own love and emotional needs, but you also are fulfilling the same needs in the mother and the children.  You will have an instant family with a lot of love.  Even if a lot of responsibility, that can be very wonderful and more than many ever have in life.

 I would encourage you to open your eyes wide and make sure you know the responsibilities you are taking on with not just the mother but the two children.  If after doing that you still want to be with them, then continue with enthusiasm.  Based upon what you are saying, you have done this and love her and the children.  Give credence to your feelings and do not deny them.

 If after soul searching you are still convinced you love her and the children and want to marry her and she agrees, then do it and be proud.  That you know you are loved and needed is wonderful.  Many persons never have those needs fulfilled because sadly they often do not act when the opportunity arrives.

 If you become convinced you are going to marry this person you love, you can just do it and that is that.  You also can meet with your family and friends and let them know how you feel and what you are going to do.  Even though you do not need to, you can explain how you feel and ask for their support.  Hopefully they will all support you out of respect for your feelings.  If they do not, be ready to do what you feel you must do and not worry about approval.

 If you follow your heart and your relationship ends in marriage, then your new primary priorities will be you, your future wife and the children.  It could be a great and rewarding life.

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Negative TV Ads

 

 

 

 

 

Negative TV Ads

 

Dr. Braccio talks to Tony Conley about negative ads on the Tony Conley Show

 

 

During this growing height of political ads a question can be….Why do politicians use dirty ads?  The following are some points kocasinan escort ilanları for discussion:  1.  People seem to be far more interested in a kidnapping or plane crash than Mary got straight As and the Grand River uneventfully went through Lansing yesterday. I read 9.1% ads were negative in 2008 and 70% recently in this election cycle.  3.  Countless surrogates can attack while the candidate claims no involvement.  4.  Attack ads present the opponent as dangerous, dishonest, deceptive, a crony to certain power interests, shifty, inconsistent, an opportunist, etc.  5.  Negatively and unfairly compare the candidate with your positive and superior traits.  6.  Hope words from extremely negative ads when said over and over again become ingrained in the listener who initially may be turned off by the add.  7.  Focus on emotional issues loaded with fear to turn someone against the opponent.  8.  Raise questions and hopefully some digging by the listener will lead to a changed vote.  9.  Tell half-truths with negative motive and hope people do not look for the facts.  10.  Etc.

 

As a statement, in a 50/50 election every vote counts and dirty adds are and will be part of the political landscape.  They also can turn people off so there is a danger.  My point is to help people be more aware as opposed to knocking anyone or any party.  The biblical quote fits perfectly:  HE WHO IS WITHOUT SIN LET HIM CAST THE FIRST STONE.

 

If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to contact me directly.