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    Relaxation, Mnemonics Can Aid Memory

     

    Questionjhb1

    Dr.Braccio:  I am a forty-nine karatay genç kızlar year old who married late and has two teenage children.  My concern is my memory.  I’m busier than ever, always running here and there and can’t seem to remember like I did before.  The problem is I need my memory more now than ever.  My doctor evaluated me and said I was fine and to just slow down and be healthy.  Nothing seems to help and my wife and children kid me when I lose my keys, cell phone or forgot a password to get into a system I may use a lot.  What’s wrong with me and can I improve my memory?

    Answer

    The first answer is that there is apparently nothing wrong with you except you are overextended and need to slow down and be healthy as your doctor said.  The second answer is that you can improve your memory.

    Before you do anything, recognize you are constantly traveling on a speeding out of control treadmill that you must control.  One’s memory will always be poor when daily responsibilities are overwhelming.

    There are various things you can do to improve your memory.  They would include the following:

    1. Eat three balanced meals day.  Good memory requires a healthy and well-nourished    body/brain.  2.  Get enough rest.  Fatigue will blunt the best of memories.  3.  Write down passwords and remember where the book is you put them in.  4.  When not on you, have specific places you always put things you commonly forget.  Examples would be car keys always go in the basket on top of the refrigerator or the cell phone is always on or near the charger in your den.  5.  Appropriate use of vitamins and supplements.  6.  Eliminate or reduce alcohol consumption. Exercising.  7.  Learn to relax by deep breathing, self-hypnosis, yoga, medication, or any other techniques to help you relax and clear your mind.  One cannot think clearly when the short term   memory is cluttered with unimportant information and is under constant bombardment by   information coming from all directions.  8.  Slow down your life and take on a manageable work and life load.  As a minimum, learn to focus on one thing at a time.  To focus on too many things at one time means you will not be completing any of them or will complete them erratically.  As goes the famous quote, “One cannot serve two masters at one time”.  9.  Believe your efforts to improve your memory will succeed and it will occur.  10.  Try various techniques called mnemonics to improve your memory.  A few examples would be as follows:

    A.  Associations.  Probably the most common relates to time change:  “Spring forward and Fall back”. B.  Pegs used to help you remember something.  For example, us  rhyming word pairs:   One with Ton, Two with Rule, Three with Tree.  Further examples could be with letters:  LSJ for Lansing State Journal, MPA for Michigan Psychological Association.  C.  A visual image in your mind of your uncle preparing and cooking Paella when you go shopping to buy ingredients to make the delicious Spanish meal.  This helps you remember what you must buy and how to make it.

    If you try the above suggestions with confidence, you will see improvement in your memory.  You can even have fun at home and enlist the family in activities to improve the memories of everyone.  I know of cases where this has been done with much success.

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    Homebody Son May Have Anxiety Disorder

    QuestionJHB Third Picture

    Dr.Braccio:  My husband and I have the odd situation of a twenty-nine year old son genç kızlar kocasinan living with us who has graduated from college, has a good job but chooses not to move out.  He loves his family and we’re glad to have him with us but wonder if we should push him to leave.  His older sister and my sister and brothers feel he needs to go and we should push the issue for his sake.  They feel he needs to date more and see other people.  He knows this and it bothers him.  In a moment of candor, he admitted he’s insecure and feels secure and happy when living with us and would rather not move.  What should we do?

    Answer

    This is not a simple “keep him” or “kick him out”.  While the majority of Americans might tell you to ease him out, any experienced therapist will tell you of the many lonely patients they work with, both parents and children, who are alone and depressed and feel rejected by their families.  The love you all share is not a gift to be taken lightly.

    It also is true that “conventional wisdom”, such as suggested by his relatives, is not always right. Your son appears well balanced emotionally and happy living with you.  From the view point of family disintegration in modern America, your relationship is a triumph for families.

    The only “red flag” is that he told you he is insecure.  To make him leave would not necessarily develop security; in fact, it could have the opposite results.

    It would be wise for you and your husband to meet with your son and discuss his “insecurity”.  If you determine he is living with you out of fear of being alone and dealing with normal problems of adult life on his own, then you might try to help him to gradually move out.

    You three do not appear to be in a co-dependent relationship where each of you is dependent on the other and stunted emotional growth is the result.

    It could be helpful for your son to see a therapist experienced in anxiety disorders to see if he has any anxiety problems.  If he does, they could be remediated with counseling and/or medication to ease his tension and help allow him to make his choices more freely.

    It also is possible you have an adult son and family member who want to live with his parents and regularly see his family until he meets someone to marry.  This is common in many cultures. For one example, the traditional Italian-American culture often encourages unmarried children to stay home until they are married.  Who has not heard an Italian-America son say, “No one makes pasta like mama”.

    Whatever decision you make needs to be made by the three of you with open discussion and decision making.  You can listen to others, but the choice is yours.

    Any questions and comments would be appreciated.

    lstart Blog

    Rocky Adolescence is No Surprise

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    Question

    Dr.Braccio:  Our fourteen-year old son has had a rocky and difficult eighth grade silifke eskort ilanları year.  He’s been in his first puppy love, which ended in disaster, has been crabby at home and school, wants to be part of the “in group” and continues to be obsessed with how he looks.  A little pimple on his face gets him upset.  As my husband laughs and says, “He’s a general pain in the wazzoo”.  He’s our oldest of four and we wonder if this is what we should expect.  We are a close family and talk a lot, but he’s difficult to deal with much of the time.

    Answer

    Welcome to puberty and middle school life in the family lives of adolescents and parents.  Things will be at least as complicated next year when he begins high school.

    Adolescence is and has been a difficult time.  Children go from elementary school where relationships and body changes occur but nothing like the radical changes that occur in adolescence.  They become very aware of what they look like and too often seem to compete and compare themselves with others.  They become aware of sexuality and the opposite sex.  Feelings of unattractiveness, awkwardness and low self-esteem can cause so much hurt.  Even the changes of voice from the light timber of a child to the beginning of adult sound can be difficult.  A squeak every now and then is not unusual.

    Social positioning also changes dramatically.  To be popular and part of the in crowd becomes far more complicated and difficult.  How fast you can gallop on the playground or how many dolls you have becomes irrelevant and is replaced with social graces and getting along with the opposite sex.  Of course, to be a good athlete is very helpful with social status. Unfortunately, to be a top academic student is too often not given enough status and parents and school personnel need to praise it.

    Because everything is so new and solid maturity and personality balance are often lacking, it can be a very difficult for persons who do not fit in.  Adolescents are often even cruel as they criticize and ostracize those who are seen as slow and not cool.  This causes great pain in many boys and girls as they are going through so many physical and emotional changes and need to struggle to find self-satisfaction and self-esteem growth.  The lack of maturity and life experience in seemingly adult bodies often leads to bad decisions and conflicts with parents and school officials.

    The positive thing is that most persons adjust to middle school and then high school after going through growing pains.

    It is important during these adolescent years that you try hard to keep good communication open with our children.  We must listen to them, have their confidence and give them the best advice we can.  That is what good parenting is all about.

    That you are close as a family is very important to “survive” the adolescence years of your children.  Parents must have developed strong bonding since birth to have the family strength to overcome the many societal and peer temptations that are so available to adolescence:  Inappropriate sexuality, illegal drugs, dare devil activities and poor peer choices to name a few.

    A strong spiritual or strong moral sense of right and wrong must be in place to help your son and other children make good decisions and be a positive leader for his peers.  That he will make many mistakes is to be expected.  Make sure you are there to be a strong guide and example for him.  With your support, he will hopefully focus more and more on being a good person, friend, citizen, son, student and contributor to society.

    braccioj Blog

    Dr. Braccio Talks on “The Drive With Jack Ebling” Radio Show with Graham Couch of the Lansing State Journal and Jack Ebling on 4/22/14 about how the continuing glow of the “Rose Bowl” will last for a long time. They discuss how the feelings for the future ongoing success for the program in 2014 are much higher than they were in 1988. They also discuss the 2014 football season. As always, the key is how the future will play out.

    Dr. Braccio Talks on “The Drive With Jack Ebling” Radio Show with Graham Couch of the Lansing State Journal and Jack Ebling on 4/22/14 about how the continuing glow of the “Rose Bowl” will last for a long time.  They discuss how the feelings for the future konya merkez kadın escort ongoing success for the program in 2014 are much higher than they were in 1988.  They also discuss the 2014 football season.  As always, the key is how the future will play out.

    http://www.spreaker.com/user/5707063/dr-john-h-braccio-april-22-2014

     

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    Dr. Braccio Talks About What Happens Psychologically if the Citizens of a Constitutional Republic Lose Faith in their Elected Officials in Washington, DC. on the “Tony Conley Radio Show” on 4/22/14

    Dr.Braccio talks about what happens karatay bayan arkadaş psychologically if the citizens of a Constitutional Republic lose faith in their elected officials in Washington, D.C.  Sadly, he feels many citizens feel this way.  Hopefully, this will change over time.

     

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    Dr. Braccio Talks About The Loving Friendship between Cancer stricken Lacey Holsworth and MSU Basketball Star Adreian Payne on the “Tony Conley Radio Show” on 4/15/14

    Dr.Braccio talks about the amazing relationship between “Princess kocasinan escort bayan Lacey” and Adreian Payne.

    They both gained so much from each other.  It was a unique friendship of great love. No one can know the facts and not have tears of great happiness and sadness. I hope there is eventually a movie about the whole situation to make millions feel good about the human race. We read so much about the evil deeds of human beings that it is wonderful to see good deeds of human beings clothed in golden loving friendship. We need more of this. They each had great adversity and in their own ways nobly overcame them with their remarkable loving friendship.

     

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    Dr. Braccio Talks on the “Tony Conley Radio Show” about How to Deal With Severe Disappointment in Life on 1320 a.m. in Lansing on 4/1/14

    How do you get over the disappointment of not getting your dream job?  How do you get past not getting the big account that could grow your business and change your life?  How do you get over not getting the big raise that could give your family financial security?   How does an athlete like Keith Appling get over a poor performance in his last game as a Spartan?

     

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    Dr. Braccio Talks on “The Drive With Jack Ebling” Radio Show on 730 a.m. on 3/25/14 about the psychology of the NCAA Basketball Tournament

     

    Dr.Braccio talks with Jack Ebling and Graham Couch, of the Lansing eskort mersin State Journal, about the amazing emotion raging in the psyches of the players, coaches and fans in a one and out tournament such as the NCAA Basketball Tournament.  They discuss the emotions that must have been going thought he minds of Seniors Keith Appling and Adreian Payne when they saw their 16 point lead turn into a 2 point deficit and their careers could have ended.  They also discuss the heartbreak of Wichita State when losing to Kentucky when a last shot failed ending a historic 35 game winning streak.

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    Dr. Braccio Talks on the “Tony Conley Radio Show” about the Powerful Human Emotions Relating to Malaysia Flight 370 on 1320 a.m. in Lansing on 3/25/14

    Flight 370 in Malaysia has generated great human interest for millions around the world.We can relate on kocasinan eskort bayan these factors among others:  We all fly.  We all could imagine this happening to us or someone we love.  We put our total trust in the pilots.  We have families and loved ones.  We can identify with losing a family member.  Who could imagine a 777 being lost for nearly two weeks?  What happened inside the plane?  What did the passengers know and when did they know it?  How did the passengers feel?  Additionally, there are concerns about potential terrorism, hope overtaking reality, the concern of evil versus good, and potential use of the 777 plane as a terrorism instrument.

     

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    Take Steps To Get Your Worrying Under Control

    QuestionJHB Third Picture

    Dr.Braccio:  My worrying sent me to kocasinan escort ilanları the emergency room.  I thought I was going to die.  My whole body was trembling, my heart was pounding and I had a splitting headache.   I was told I had a panic attack and to quit worrying.  I’d like to but I am a worrier and feel I should be.  My mother and sisters are the same as me.  We laugh and agree I have just taken worrying to a new level.  My adult children and husband tell me to loosen up and stop seeing the worst possible outcome to everything.  I know they’re right, but what can I do to change?  I can’t have another panic attack.  I have medication from my family physician but want to control my own feelings without it.  I was actually worrying about an interview for a promotion my son was taking in Illinois when my panic attack began.

    Answer

    You need to relax, stop and smell the roses.  Do not believe you “should” be a worrier.  Life is too short to always be worrying and accepting it as a part of your life.  By expecting the worst, you take worrying over small every day matters to the level of “catastrophic “ events.

    You can change but it will be hard because you have been at it for years.  Hopefully the fear of panic attacks can help you to change your outlook so it never happens again.  As you have found, panic attacks are horrible and to be avoided.

    Whether your son got the promotion or not, your getting a panic attack and going to the hospital over it had no impact on his interview and caused you needless emotional and physical agony.

    The following are some suggestions to help to reduce the possibilities of having another panic attack.

    1.    Continue to meet with your physician about the use of medication. That may be necessary until you can take more control of your anxiety.

    2.    Eliminate “should” from your vocabulary.  It infers a moral failure that you are not doing something you must do.  This leads to useless guilt.

    3.    Replace the word “should” with a choice statement.  For example, “I choose to help or not help my neighbor today”, versus, “I should help my neighbor”.

    4.    Smile and laugh when you feel intense and ready to worry.

    5.    Recognize all the worrying in the world will not change what happens.

    6.    Find joy in life everyday.

    7.    Use deep breathing, self-hypnosis, meditation, yoga, music or any other way to relax and put the “tiger” to sleep and bring out the peaceful “lamb” in you.

    8.    Recognize the emotional and physical cost of worrying.  The trip to the hospital and the agony of a panic attack show you the havoc worry does to your body and mind.

    9.    Choose a worry time every day when you will worry and push worries away until that time  This can be very helpful.

    10.  Exercising.

    11.  Talking with a friend.

    11.  Determine what you can realistically do day-by-day and do it.

    12.  If necessary, seek out a therapist experienced in panic attack treatment if you cannot effectively get over your anxiety and any resulting panic attacks.

    Any questions or comments would be appreciated.

    lstart Blog

    Couple’s Best Chance to Rekindle Marriage Starts With Romance

    QuestionJHB Third Picture

    Dr.Braccio:  My husband and I have had to karatay bayan escort admit our marriage is in trouble.  We were once so in love. Now we’ve lost ourselves in raising our three children under ten years old and our jobs.  We even must accept friends have more quality contact with us than we do with each other.  We’re both discouraged but talking.  We don’t want a divorce.  We worry for the kids who know nothing about our problems and certainly want us together.  Is it too late?

    Answer

    It is never too late if two people want to renew their love and save their marriage.  The fact you are talking and do not want a divorce is positive.  The hard work now begins.

    No one gains if your marriage breaks up.  It will most likely negatively impact on the children and leave both of you feeling defeated and rejected.

    Few things hurt more than remembering golden memories and realizing you let slip opportunities for them to continue.  You have such an opportunity now and need to grab on to it as like the proverbial “brass ring”.

    Recognize you will need to make the type of changes you need to do now if a new marriage were to succeed.  For everyone’s sake, do it now!

    Your concern for your children is very legitimate when one sees the emotional damage that too often happens to children of divorce.  Unless there is abuse or you really hate each other, and that does not appear to be the case, to make their needs at least equal to yours is a good goal when you consider they did not ask to be brought into this world.

    Reconnect to each other and place “red alert” priority on yourselves as a couple.  Seek the type of total commitment you had when you fell in love.  To immediately set time aside for just the two of you to enjoy each other is critical to the success of your marriage.

    To do this is not to neglect your children, it is to rekindle the love that made their very existence occur.  You need new happy memories to replace the unhappy ones of the recent past.  Try to remember why you fell in love and work hard to reestablish the old romantic and magical feelings.  Build a bridge from your happy past to a happy present and future.  Think romantically and good things will happen.  Treat each other like your best friend.

    A marriage encounter weekend could be wonderful since you both do not want a divorce.  This is a proactive approach to make the marriage work.  It also could add some spirituality to your marriage that could be helpful.

    If you feel you need outside support, you can seek out a pastor and/or therapist experienced in such situations as yours.

    The rewards for you and the children are so huge that no effort can be too great to keep your marriage together.

    Any questions or comments would be greatly appreciated.

    lstart Blog

    Positive Outlook Can Turn Life Around

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    JHB Third PictureQuestion

    Dr.Braccio:  Even for me, I’m a difficult person to karatay genç kızlar be with.  I always have been.  This is particularly true when doing some drinking.  Even with this, I always find a man who puts up with me but eventually tires of my controlling and often sarcastic personality.  I also am very aggressive verbally.  My problem is that with four and five year old sons that I dearly love.  I need to be less critical of me and the men I date so I can find a good partner to share our lives.  I’ve run off some good ones.  What do you think?

    Answer

    You need to develop a more tolerant and positive outlook on people and life.  Regardless of whatever charm and positive traits you may have, no one can put up with a “controlling and often sarcastic personality” who is “very aggressive verbally”.  Any one of those traits would run good people away from you.  You also need to like yourself more and judge others and yourself less harshly.

    Learn to relax and be more accepting, insightful, sensitive and tuned into people by not interpreting things negatively.  This will allow you to better understand their feelings and treat them well.  In the process, you will also be treating yourself very well.

    Because you have various areas to change, the following are some suggestions to help you:

    1.  Accept honest differences as legitimate and even positive.

    2.  Do not look for flaws in others and be sarcastic and demean them.

    3.  Do not hold grudges after you solve or try to solve a problem.

    4.  Accept some disagreements do not have a solution.  Examples could be religion, politics,  school prayer, parenting methods or favorite foods.

    5.  Seek out counseling from a therapist who can address anger management and the development of tolerance and empathy through personality change.  You also need to develop better self-esteem.  That appears to be the major cause of the grief you cause for yourself and others.

    6.  As appropriate, seek out spiritual guidance that grants you peace and tames your negative feelings and hard heart.

    7.    Learn to love yourself more.  You will then find far more understanding and love for others.

    8.    Focus on active listening.  This means you listen to what someone says, ask questions to resolve what you do not understand and with that information, respond in a civilized and problem solving mode.

    9.    Admit when you are wrong.  Honest contrition has mellowed countless angry hearts.

    10.  Find at least one good thing to say about people you see every day.

    11.  Spend time every day being grateful for what you have in life.

    12.  Cut out sarcastic comments completely.  They are hurtful and a form of bomb throwing that will never be helpful to anyone.

    13.  Before you make a statement, ask yourself if it will gain you what you desire.  An example would be if you wanted a friend to help you, you would not yell at them and demand they help you.

    14.  Stop drinking alcohol.  That things are worse when “doing some drinking” is a clear sign that alcohol is bad for  you and to stop drinking would be a positive thing.

    It will be hard for you to change after being this way for your whole life.  The positive thing in your favor is you desire to change and are aware of the problem.  That you love your children shows you have the capacity to effectively love yourself and others.

     

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    Timid Teen Reflects Parent’s Reluctance To Try New Things

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    Dr.Braccio:  My fourteen year old daughter can torture me emotionally but is so escort kızlar mersin insecure in her life.  She never wants to try anything new.  I also must work more at this.  When I push her into something like the Spanish Club, she enjoys it and even thrives in it while I’m worn out from the struggle to get her to finally go.  In spite of all I try, the scenario is always the same.  What’s wrong and what can I do differently?

    Answer

    Your daughter has low self-esteem in relation to trying new things.  She is comfortable with the known and predictable.  The unknown scares her.  The scenario you have developed between the two of you appears to be how she changes.  The problem is that there is no spontaneity and the process and resulting change for her is a very slow and burdensome process.  Additionally, you get worn out emotionally and it puts real wear and tear on your relationship.

    Until you can implement some of the following suggestions on how to help both you and your daughter, you probably need to use the current model to make sure some changes occur.  Even though I say this, the emphasis needs to be on the new suggestions below.

    1.  Encourage her whenever possible to try new things.  Use your whole environment.  This can occur when you see something on TV, in newspapers, in magazines, as you walk in your life, etc. that you can build on to discuss with her with the goal of helping her see  how it relates to her and how she might try it.

    2.  Be on guard to always immediately applaud her anytime she thinks about and/or tries to do   anything new.  Each time may potentially be the catalyst for a major overall change in her life.

    3.  Place her in situations where she can take a leadership or proactive role.  Church, family and community activities lend themselves to this.

    4.  Model a willingness to try new things.  Demonstrate the excitement that can come from trying new things.  Because you must work on this also, it will be a good test for you as well as her.

    5.  Try to set up events and that would allow her to explore new things.  Examples would include picnics, trips, extensive walking, amusement parks, church/youth activities, art class, cake decorating class, sewing class, swimming, tennis and soccer.

    Even if she continues for a period of time to have a hard time changing, hopefully she can begin to see the excitement and fun that comes from spontaneously trying new things.  That both of you could do it together would be great fun in a positive mother/daughter bonding situation.

    Any questions or comments would be appreciated.

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    Five Ways to Reduce Everyday Anxiety

    QuestionJHB Third Picture

    Dr.Braccio:  I don’t know silifke escort numaraları what’s been happening to me.  I’ve always been anxious but now I seem to be worrying about everything.  I even worry about my worrying.  My mother and her sisters are just like me.  My kids and husband have told me to try to settle down, but I can’t.  I seem to be worrying about a lot of things and can’t get the worries out of my mind.  It’s nothing in particular but can be anything.  I worry about the health of my family, my husband’s job, the education of my children and even the effects of global warming on us.  I get tense, irritable, can’t concentrate and focus on my worrying and often can’t sleep well.  This makes me feel down and immature.  I feel I’m getting worse.  What do I have and what can I do about it?

    Answer

    You appear to have “Generalized Anxiety Disorder”.  This is an anxiety disorder that covers a wide range of concerns.  It is often written as GAD.  It can make one feel uneasy and worrying about various things or just a kind of foreboding that something will go wrong.  “What Iffing” and “catrastrophising” are common characteristics.  The present is often ruined as the person worries about the future.

    GAD is quite common with a frequency rate of around 3 to 4%.  As you can see, you are not alone as millions suffer the same condition.

    The cause is debatable, but probably ranges from bad learning and being around worriers to a chemical makeup that gives one a tendency to worry or a combination of them.  The reaction is physical and the result is an ongoing anxiety that is draining on the person and those around him or her.  As in your case, this can lead to some level of depression because the constant worrying and physical uneasiness can make one feel down, hopeless and plain worn out emotionally and physically.

    Some key things to do to address your anxiety would be as follows:

    1.  Learn to relax to reduce anxiety.  Just breathing in and out deeply for a few minutes can be helpful.  Humans have done this over the centuries  to help them relax.   You also can use self-hypnosis, yoga, meditation or any other system to help you relax.  Just to slowly say the word …..r—e—l—a—x….. can be relaxing.

    2.  Medication can help to calm you down.  While this can be helpful in the short run, the key is to stop your anxiety naturally and it can be done for the most part by just changing how you look at life and its everyday occurrences.

    3.  Control what you think.  This deceptively difficult task is very hard for most people to do.  Begin by consciously not thinking about “what ifs “ and “catastrophic” thoughts.  Recognize that all the worrying in the world will not resolve a problem.  When you have a concern to resolve, plan a way to have the best chance for success.  See life as having risks but put risks in perspective.  Try to see life as an exciting and individual adventure for you to experience rather than worrying about everything that might happen.

    4.  Use cognitive restructuring statements to change anxiety producing statements to positive non-anxiety ones.  For example, say “The kids are out and nothing bad will happen to them” versus “I know they will get in an accident”.  Another would be to say, “I’ll do just fine when I present my job report” versus  “I know I’ll get nervous and look stupid when I present my job report”.

    5.  Try to focus on enjoying the present and not worrying about yesterday or “what iffing” about the rest of the day and tomorrow.  In an often unpredictable world, plan as best you can, prepare for problems and enjoy your life as you live it.

    Expect change to come slowly as you reduce anxiety by trying the above strategies.  Success will come and you will lead a much happier life.

    If after trying the above, you feel you are not improving or improving to the level you desire, you may find it helpful to seek an experienced therapist with anxiety disorders.

    Any questions and comments would be appreciated.

    lstart Blog

    Help Child Learn to Solve Her Problems

    QuestionJHB Third Picture

    Dr.Braccio:  We have a ten year old daughter’s teacher met with us and said our daughter feels we mersin esc don’t listen to her.  She told her teacher that when she wants to talk about a problem, we change the topic, minimize her feelings, baby her or solve the problem without her involvement. The school counselor agrees.

    Answer

    You need to be patient and let your daughter get her feelings out in a way she can both fully express herself and begin to solve problems on her own.  Neither of you allow this to happen.  You need to go from “pushy” to “laid back” when she wants to share her feelings and problems.

    Fortunately, with your desire to help her and using a strategy called “Active Listening”, you can help her right now.

    When we use “Active Listening”, we let the person get all of her or his feelings out in a safe environment where the person fully says how she or he feels.  In this environment, concerns are raised and the person can problem-solve.  When parents do this, it is offering safe harbor to the child to problem-solve and express feelings.

    This is NOT an example of “Active Listening”:

    Daughter: “I feel bad about the way Judy treats me.”

    Parent:      “The heck with her, ignore her.”

    Daughter: “But I feel bad when she says mean things to me”.

    Parent:      “Don’t feel that way.  She’s just being bad and the heck with her”.

    Daughter: “But….”

    Parent:      “But nothing, eat something and you’ll feel better.  Nobody can be mean to my little baby.  Give me a hug”.

    As you can see, the parent is not listening to her concerns and is minimizing the problem situation, her feelings and no solutions can occur for her in this environment.  She will actually feel worse.

    This IS an example of “Active Listening”:

    Parent:       “How are you today?”

    Daughter:  “Not good”.

    Parent:       “You do seem upset.  What happened?”

    Daughter:  “ My friend Judy said a mean thing to me”.

    Parent:       “How do you feel about that?”

    Daughter:  “I’m hurt and upset.”

    Parent:       “So, you’re really upset?”

    Daughter:   “Yes.  I don’t like that from a friend.”

    Parent:        “What are you going to do?”

    Daughter:   “I’m gonna call her tonight and talk to her and say how I feel.”

    Parent:        “Do you think that will work?”

    Daughter:   “I guess so.  That’s how we deal with things like this.”

    Parent:        “Sounds like a good idea.”

    Daughter:   “Thanks mom.”

    With effective “Active Listening” the following occurs:

    1.  The feelings of the child are validated and heard in a safe problem-solving environment.

    2.  Parents do not distract the child from addressing the problem.

    3.  Parents do not intervene unless there is a danger or unreasonable abuse of the child.

    4.  The parent only gives advice and solutions when necessary.

    It appears you two are ready to make some changes and help your daughter.  To keep in contact with the teacher and school counselor seems reasonable.

    Any questions or comments would be appreciated.