November 12, 2024- I think most of us really desire to be a likable person. From a survival point of view, humans have always needed to be likable to get along with each other and build relationships in order to survive emotionally and sometimes physically. This is still true whether it be a social group, a family, the military, a business or whatever group there is that requires teamwork. Teams do not work well when the members do not see each other as likable. One could strongly argue that in order to have any short or long-term relationship, there needs to be a beginning where there is a feeling of likability between the persons. One need not be a psychologist to be aware of how far happier and successful one will be with interactions and relationships based on being likable. People who are not likable may get to accept it, but generally deep down do not like this but too often cannot seem to figure how to make themselves more likable. In fact, they can become less likable by being upset that others do not like them and let them know it . Because self-esteem is closely related to how others see us, being likable is very important to how we see ourselves and something we should try to develop. The following are traits that relate to being likable. I am not saying one needs all of these traits to be likable, but certainly one needs some of them: 1. A simple smile whenever you meet someone. 2. Listen and pay attention when interacting . 3. Authentic and not fake. 4. Admit when you make mistakes. 5. Tolerant and understanding of persons. 6. Respect for others and their views. 7. Not act as a “know it all.” 8. Remember the person by name. 9. Be honest. 10. A sense of humor. 11. Respectful 12. An accepting body language 13. Human touch as appropriate. 14. Turn off the phone. 15. Make eye contact. 16. Mirror body language.

October 29, 2024- It is difficult enough making good decisions in life, even with the best of information available. The dilemma of overthinking is that one is constantly living with problems in decision-making whether they are past decisions or those we are going to make in present and then future decisions that will need to be made. A further problem is they tend to be negative. This can result in such mental health conditions as anxiety, depression, PTSD, OCD and panic attacks. This is not to say that everyone has all these conditions, but they are often present with persons who have problems making decisions or looking at what they have done or the possible consequences of decisions in the present or future. Add on top of this that persons who overthink often tend to be negatively evaluating the whole process of decision-making to the point that they end up with mental health issues. This trend to see decision-making in a negative light often leads to an inability to make decisions, which of course, then brings on the mental health issues.This endless loop on decision-making can be overwhelming for persons. Let us make sure that we are not confusing doing the groundwork necessary to make good decisions but rather overthinking decisions in a way that they are never made or will be simply reviewed negatively from the past. I might add as a longtime psychologist, this is a more common problem than one might think. It also is true that most of us if we honestly look at ourselves or analyze persons we know in family or outside of it, we can see overthinking is often present. The following are some remedies to deal with the problem of overthinking: 1. Accept decisions you have made in the past and let them go. One cannot could have, might have, ought to have or should have done anything differently than they did. 2. Realistically look at the options one has, make a decision and live with it. 3. Accept you may have made bad decisions and may continue to make them. The point is to try to make good decisions and learn from any bad decisions we have made. 4. Replacing negative thoughts with positive thoughts when dealing with the inability to make decisions. When a thought comes into your mind that you cannot make a decision, you need to tell yourself yes you can make a good decision based on the best information available to you. This is obviously easier said than done, but needs to be worked on a little bit at a time. 5. If you find you cannot solve this problem of not being able to make a decision and it is causing you mental health distress, now is the time to seek out an experienced therapist who can help you overcome this problem.

October 22, 2024-

When it is right to feel bad about your behaviors

For those of you who know me or have followed my podcasts and writings over the years, you will know I strongly am opposed to persons having inappropriate guilt in the sense that it totally destroys a person’s ability to live effectively in the present, and thus there is no future. On the other hand, I strongly believe that if a person has behaved poorly to someone or a group, then it is the right thing to have legitimate

guilt, to accept responsibility, feel badly and make amends as best we can. If someone has done wrong, then feeling bad is appropriate. In this age of of what I call “feel gooditis”,people too often do not want to accept responsibility and would prefer to just overlook inappropriate behaviors,minimize them and let them go. It is important to deal with our feelings after we recognize that we behaved inappropriately and work this out in our mind that we are not going to do it again. it is often overlooked that when we do something inappropriate that we ought to feel bad about it and even more important than that, we must try to resolve the problem and let the person or group know we feel bad about what we did. it also is very important to not endlessly ruminate about these behaviors and cause ongoing negative guilt and even depression and poor self-esteem. The purpose is not to allow our inner critic to beat us up every day and ruin it. No,the goal is to honestly reflect on our inappropriate behaviors and try to understand why we did them and determine to not do them again. Obvious examples would be hurting someone’s feelings, lying , stealing, cheating others, slandering persons and their reputations, being dishonest and dishonorable in a relationship, putting people down with the goal of helping yourself or making yourself feel more powerful, and slowing down the progress of others for fear they will compete with us or we enjoy them in a subservient position. Something important not to overlook when we try to make things right is not to end up gaslighting the person and not being totally honest about how inappropriate our behaviors were when admitting that our intentions were not good. To be honest with yourself and the other person is critical to our making changes to self as we improve our character. It also is true that we may have hurt someone inappropriately but had no intention of doing it. Then it is worthwhile to indicate we feel bad for what happened, but had no intentions of doing it. When we do this, we do run the risk of the person not being willing to accept our honest apology. That is a risk we must take and something that needs to be done to in effect right the ship of our sense of right and wrong. Advice succinctly stated would be when making right when we have behaved inappropriately would include accepting the behavior was inappropriate,having appropriate guilt, determining not to do it again and making amends for what was done as best as possible. This is how to deal with appropriate guilt.