09-01-2026-
For purposes here we will generally be talking about a boy aged 12 to 18 whose father dies,
give or take a year or two. While it is extremely difficult for someone to lose a parent at any time, our focus is on adolescent boys losing their fathers. The outcomes are often very tragic as highly elevated levels of anxiety, depression, PTSD and anger are too often common. When an adolescent boy loses a father, they have to deal with so many things going on at the same time. They lose stability in their emotional and social life and often have problems in their academic life. A good father provides such things as stability, good modeling, security, financial security, love, affection, status and direction in the life of a growing adolescent male. When this occurs, there is a need for the mother, family members, teachers and friends to recognize what is occurring and try to be as supportive as possible. In spite of the pressure on the mother, it is important she not expect the grieving son to take on the role of a father, help raise the children, be her primary emotional support and not behave like they are not going through an exceptionally difficult emotional time. Without some intervention by the mother and other persons brought in, unhealthy coping mechanisms would include severe anger, irritability, alcohol and other substance abuse, not wanting to talk to friends and other persons, academic decline, and risk taking activities to eliminate some of the numbing and painful experiences being experienced emotionally. It also is possible the grieving son can mask emotions and take on the role of a parent, which is very inappropriate for them at their age. Something important for the grieving mother to do is be as supportive of the son as much as she can. This is very difficult because she is mourning the loss of her beloved husband. As possible, it is important for the mother to make available other good male figures to help the son in these difficult times. It can include grandparents, adult older brothers, uncles, teachers, coaches and neighbors to be helpful. The intervention of a counselor familiar with grieving adolescent boys who have lost their fathers can be very helpful. It is important everyone involved make sure they are understanding what the son is feeling and saying and not judging them. They need to know that to feel horrible and even have some feelings of abandonment and inappropriate guilt are natural. The mother and helping persons must show patience as the son may be irritable and angry that can lead to difficult interactions. They also must give assurance that their feelings are appropriate and that the main thing is to try to work through them and move forward in a mentally healthy manner. A sense of spirituality can also be helpful with the introduction of a priest, pastor or someone else involved from the church who can work with sons of deceased fathers going through very difficult grieving situations. It is essential he knows he is not alone and that there are people willing to help him. This can become a life-threatening crisis if there is suicide ideation and the son is talking about wanting to see their father again and feeling death is the only way out. Something very important to do for the mother and other persons involved is let them talk about their deceased father and all the nice experiences they had together. The point is not to have the person close out memories on someone as important as their deceased father in their lives. No, the point is to try to have them keep these memories in place now so the father does not fully die in their mind and knowing he would want them to follow the advice they had given them over the years. This can be positive to the self-esteem of the son as they now move forward in the world without their father physically, but always remembering and following the advice and modeling they offered out of love. Their fathers must never die in their loving memories.

August 25, 2026-
We live in an age when 40% of divorces in the United States are with persons 50 years old and
older. Common reasons for this would include persons living longer, people not living happily
day-to-day together after children leave and retirement, and persons just deciding they do not
love each other and want to spend their last maybe 20-40 years away from that person.
Whatever the reason, divorces are extremely high in this age group. A not surprising outcome is that there are many “gray marriages” where persons are marrying usually at least for the second time at 50 years or older. Common reasons for marrying at 50 are similar to marrying at an earlier time and would include someone loving them, them loving someone, affection and
intimacy, financial security, emotional security, companionship, mutual personal growth, and
enjoying sharing a life with someone on a daily basis. Concerns not always thought about but
critical to having a successful “gray marriage” would include a prenuptial agreement to eliminate potential anger and frustration with each other and family members, open awareness of the financial situation of each person prior to the marriage, honest discussion about how each will look after one or the other if health collapses and there is a need for care, estate planning, a mutually trusted family member or corporate trustee to manage the estate when death occurs, and full involvement of all members of what will become a blended family. It amazes me how many people I have personally known who have entered a “gray marriage” and ended up having major conflicts with their children, children of their spouse, and problems after their death because things were not planned and everyone ends up mad at each other and too often there is a breakdown for life with members of the family who are left behind when the person dies. Love and companionship can be critical for someone at any age, but a “gray marriage” requires a lot of planning other than wanting love and companionship, and not taking into account the many problems that can occur without good planning and communication with all involved persons can turn your “gray marriage” into a nightmare for you and everyone else involved. I cannot too strongly suggest that persons considering a “gray marriage” do a lot of planning prior to their marriage other than the critical elements of loving each other and wanting companionship.

August 18, 2026-
We have talked in the past about how there is often an assumption that people who are not around people are unhappy and will have poor mental health often with anxiety, depression, social anxiety and other conditions negatively impacting their mental health. That may be true for some people, but it is not true for everyone. I am saying this as someone who has always advocated for people developing friendships with people and stating that as human beings we generally need to be around other people on a regular basis and develop strong relationships with them. With that said, there are many persons who are quite happy with good mental health spending most of their time with themselves. Even a few enjoy a life with themselves with few if any close personal relationships. It is not good mental health when a person wants relationships with other people and is generally alone because they believe people do not like them, they are always saying things that cause problems, people have hurt them emotionally, they are fearful of meeting new people, and they have generally poor self-esteem that makes it hard for them to interact with others and develop close human relationships. In these circumstances, a lack of personal relationships is negative and can be quite destructive to a person’s mental health. Positive mental health can be the result when a person does not have many social interactions for many reasons that would include enjoying seeking better insight into themselves, being creative, regulating their moods, self acceptance, enjoying self with no interruptions, implementing difficult tasks, not relying on others, defining who they are and not others, developing greater spirituality, and enjoying time to have their mind fly in any direction they desire. I remember reading a biography of Winston Churchill, the great British Prime Minister during World War II, saying that even during the periods of time he was out of power and depressed that he was never bored because he had Winston Churchill to talk to! When I read that some years ago, I found that interesting. The more I have thought about it and have known persons who enjoy their own company, I have been able to make some sense out of it and see that it is accurate for some persons. My point here is not to suggest that persons who love being with other persons in close relationships are unhappy. No,but it is also true many persons in many close relationships often worry about how they are seen in these relationships and often desire their approval as part of the process. It also is true there are persons who do not desire a lot of time with other persons but interact with persons and may have friends and family they have a close connection. The point is that they do not need close ongoing relationships and they control the interactions they have with others.