Question
Dr.Braccio: I am a single mother with three daughters ages 13, konya merkez escort kızlar 17 and 20. My two younger daughters get along well (with the usual sibling bickering) and when my 20 year old isn’t around, we have a quite cohesive home. However, my 20 year old is a handful. She just finished her second year of college and thankfully, obtained a job this summer that is almost full time. The problem is that when she is home, she resorts to things that I think a 20 year old should be beyond. She lies about the simplest of things, she breaks curfew by climbing out her bedroom window and staying out all night, she lies about who she’s been out with and where she is going, she lies to her co-workers about being kicked out of the house or being sick or injured and on and on. When she’s not lying, she is taking her sister’s clothing and money. First off, she has gained over fifty pounds this past year alone and can’t fit into any of her sister’s clothing so, when she does take it, she ruins the item. I have tried to address this by stating that needs to respect other people’s property. I ask her how she would feel if her sisters took her money or clothing. Nothing seems to sink in. She will stop for a few days and then start all over. I am feeling like I failed her somehow. Here she is 20 years old and I don’t trust her to be in my house by herself. I don’t’ trust anything she says, and if something comes up missing, I immediately suspect her. In addition, I’m so disappointed in her weight and the fact that she lied about what she has eaten when I know she’s eating the whole box of crackers that sits empty on the shelf. I have tried to support her by getting her a summer membership to Weight Watchers and celebrating her small successes. However, as soon as I do anything encouraging, it seems that she resorts back to overeating, lying, stealing and sneaking around. I am at my wits end with his very immature 20 year old. What am I doing wrong?
Answer
You are allowing an adult to cause great havoc in your home. You need to determine how she will behave in your home and must be willing to make her leave if she will not follow the rules that you spell out. The primary problem for you seems to be your inability to stop being the mother who must save her from herself. For now, you obviously do not have that ability. You need to begin by determining what standards of behavior are appropriate for you to have for her. Her weight is not a reasonable condition for you to have in order for her to stay in your home. Lying, stealing, taking clothes of her sisters and ruining them and not keeping a house curfew are reasons for her to not stay. The lying and stealing are at the top of the list of what is unacceptable in your home. Both are essential cornerstones in a good family relationship. That she eats too much and is heavy is her problem and as one adult to another, I would suggest you not set it up as a condition to live in your home.
The following are what would help you again take control of your home.
1. Determine exactly what the rules of the house will be for her.
2. Make sure they basically relate to her lying, stealing, breaking curfew in a sneaky manner as well as stealing money from her sisters and taking their clothes without their permission. That she destroys the clothes makes her behavior doubly bad.
3. Clearly determine exactly what you will do if she breaks the rules.
4. Never waver from what you threaten to do.
5. Have a family meeting to put everything in the air. Make sure she does not try to intimate you and take control.
6. Let her know she must leave if certain behaviors continue. Make sure she is aware what they are and there is no doubt what will occur.
7. Be committed to making her leave if the behaviors continue. Do not make a threat if you will not follow through.
8. Recognize you do not help her by allowing her totally unacceptable behaviors. It also erodes the respect your other daughters have for you and further destroys the relationship they may have with her.
This will be very hard for you as it would be for most parents. In spite of her outrageous behavior, you love her and want her to succeed. But to have her so destructive and disrespectful of you and her sisters is unacceptable. She also is a horrible example for her sisters to observe and be forced to live with. You and they deserve a peaceful home.
The time is long past for this needed action on your part. Because you love her and want her to succeed as a whole person and not just academically, you must do this for her as well as for you and your younger daughters. The time to put your action plan in motion is now.
Any questions or comments would be appreciated.