QUESTION
Dr.Braccio: I’ve been very fortunate over the konya merkez bayan arkadaş years to have the parents of my ex-husband help me raise my two now teenage girls. They’ve been wonderful and treat me like their own daughter. Their father left when they were infants and has nothing to do with his girls and little to do with his parents. His parents are generous and have more than made up for the child support he’s never paid. The problem is that I’m very hurt and upset with the grandmother of the children. In a run-in with my fourteen year old over her curfew, she asked if I wanted to run her out like I did their father. I was shocked and asked her why she said that. She said her grandmother has told her I ran him out. I started crying and said that wasn’t true. My daughter then said she was sorry she said it. I don’t know what to do now. She and her sixteen year old sister both say their grandmother has sometimes said that. They’ve not said anything for fear of hurting my feelings. Their father is an alcoholic and he was abusive to me emotionally and physically and regularly ran around on me. I only divorced him when he left us and moved to Texas with the woman who would become his second wife. Obviously the grandmother knows all this. I’d not talked to the kids about this because I thought it would serve no purpose. I’ve now told them. Was I wrong? Should I confront their grandmother?
ANSWER
You were not wrong. Your daughters are old enough to know what happened to the marriage of their parents. Particularly, when the father has abandoned them.
Assuming the grandmother has said this various times over the years, you were right in a factual and informative manner to explain to your daughters why you divorced their father and what he did to you. They are at an age where this would be appropriate. Hopefully, you did it from the perspective not as a victim but as someone who has overcome it. That is true and a tribute to you.
I would think the father’s absence from their lives would speak volumes on what type of father he is. Good parents stay involved in the lives of their children and bad parents do not.
The fact he lives in Texas and is not involved at all in the lives of his daughters makes the argument you ran him out rather absurd. Even if it were true, are you then to blame for his living in Texas and his total lack of involvement with his children? Rubbish!
I believe you need to confront the grandmother on this. To not do it will most likely lead to escalating anger and hurt in you. It is best for your mental health to address the issue now. The possibilities of resolving it are much greater now than after a possible terrible confrontation where your anger and rage, and hurt could come forward like a raging volcano.
To resolve it in an open fashion will potentially eliminate such statements by her in the future.
Even if horribly inappropriate, and I am not excusing her, parents sometimes make statements to defend the indefensible in their children. Even though hard to do, it would be wise to judge her by how she has treated you and the children over the years more than these unfair comments. By your own words, her caring for you and the children seems genuine when judged by her support over the years.
To separate the unfair and even cruel statements from the years of love and support she has given to you will be hard, but I suggest you try to do it. It appears she has been as loving to the three of you as he has not. This appears to be an inconsistency in an otherwise loving person.
You have now explained to your daughters what happened in the marriage. The fact they did not previously say something so they would not hurt your feelings shows their love for you. That it came out in an angry exchange is unfortunate but understandable.
To whatever level you are comfortable, a spiritual perspective could be helpful to you as you get over this hurt.