Author: braccioj

Unexpected Death of Loved One is Especially Hard

Dr.Braccio talked on the Tony Conley Radio Show about the grief, pain and guilt that can occur kocasinan bayan arkadaş when a loved one unexpectedly dies.

The following points are discussed:

1.  An exceptionally difficult time is made worse by lack of preparation.

2.  Closure may not occur.  We feel guilt because we did not say goodbye or “I love you” to the deceased

person.

3.  We must dig deeply in our psyche and recognize the wonderful times shared together.

4.  If one has a sense of spiritually, we accept this is the time God allocated for our loved one and we will

meet again in a place where pain and death do not exist.

5.  The person will live as long as we remember him or her.

6.  The process of grief includes disbelief, crying, soul searching and eventually acceptance.

Listen to Dr.Braccio discuss with Tony bereavement and silifke eskort ilanları dealing with the unexpected loss of loved ones. 

Direct Download The .mp3

Depression, Chronic Pain and Headaches

Depression is a condition where the person is sad and experiences little or no joy in life.  The person needs a balance mersin anamur eskort bayanları in life and positive outlook.  Depression and chronic pain with headaches are difficult to copy with and often run together.  The effects can be so devastating to all aspects of a person’s life beyond what the average person would believe possible.  I have worked with many persons or that see their lives revolve around their headaches.  The Depression diagnosis is often missed or minimized because the headaches and chronic pain take all the attention.  The following strategies can help: Relaxation techniques, balance in life, positive outlook, deep breathing, spirituality, hypnosis, medication, counseling, yoga, visual imagery, distraction and dissociation.

You Can’t Protect Your Children Forever
Question
Dr.Braccio: I try konya merkez eskort to shield our children from disappointments. The problem is they seem to be bothered more and more about anything as they get older. My husband has always said I go too far in protecting them. Now, I must agree. My intentions have been good but my nine and ten year olds were so depressed and down a whole evening and into the next day when they could not see the movie we wanted to go to because all tickets were sold out. They were very upset and made a scene. I even tried to buy tickets from persons in line until my husband gently pulled me away. What should I do? My behavior and theirs is typical these days. I’m feeling very ineffective as a mother.
Answer
You are a loving mother. The problem is that you are trying to make a very imperfect earth perfect for your children. Many dysfunctional and chronically unhappy persons are in effect “created” because they never learn to deal with the normal ups and downs of life. Do not let this happen to your children. Emotional resiliency is a very health quality that is fostered through the learning of skills and adaption of attitudes through the trial-and-error, cause-and-effect experiences in our lives.
How one deals with adversity and challenge in life often determines a person’s character. To take “the road less traveled” and effectively help self and others is a choice a person makes after learning to effectively and humanely deal with problems one encounters in life. To engender these characteristics, skills and attitudes, you will need to model and practice them.
The key life quality you need to develop is balance If a bully is beating up one of your children at school, then you need to intervene on their behalf. On the other hand, if your child is just not getting along with someone or the person is just not being nice, you can advise your child on how to address the problem but do not become heavily involved and get mad at the other child or call his parents. That usually will only enhance the problem in the long run.
For your children to be so depressed over not being able to go to a movie for an extended period of time and making a scene is not normal even with a broad definition of “normal”. Disappointment would be reasonable, but not sulking and being depressed for a “whole evening and into the next day”.
Because the beliefs and behaviors of you and the children are so ingrained, you will have a very hard time making the changes you will need to do to help your children be able to deal with the normal disappointments in life. Accept that you love your children and have indeed given them a good life. To now show your love, you must let them cry, be hurt and sort out normal problems for themselves unless something very bad is happening to them. To be supportive and an available loving parent giving good advice is good parenting. You need to separate your esteem as a parent from your children’s emotional mood manipulations. In this way, you can develop a more supportive and effective loving approach to your relationship with your children.
The following are some things you can do:
1. Work with your husband to get perspective and consistency in your treatment of the children. His involvement could bring a positive force to help solve the problem.
2. Be an adviser to your children to help teach them to appropriately assess problems and how to solve them.
3. Admit to your children you have been too involved in their lives and need to back off.
4. Have family meetings to discuss how to appropriately deal with everyday life problems.
5. When problems occur and your children get unreasonably depressed and upset, help them use positive self-talk to give them a positive outlook. This is key because what we think strongly determines how we feel. You need to work on this yourself. Examples would be as follows:
Negative Self-Talk: “Life sucks because it’s raining and we can’t ride our bikes.” Positive Self-Talk: “Find something else to do and have fun. Ride your bikes when the sun comes out.”
Negative Self-Talk: “I wanted to see Bill today. He’s not home. My whole day’s ruined”.
Positive Self-Talk: “Call someone else. Find things to do.” Negative Self-Talk: “All the seats are sold for the movie. I’m so down and feel horrible.”
Positive Self-Talk: “Let’s pick another one. We also can go tomorrow and see it. The world is going to go on.”
You may find an experienced therapist could help you have appropriate perspective on what happens to your children and their reactions.
The road to change will be hard and slow, but the end result of well-balanced children who can deal with the regular rigors of life is worth the effort.

Question:
Dr.Braccio: I’ve been having some bad feelings about my parenting and the attitude of my 10 and 11 year mersin anamur eskort bayanları old children. My parents and three brothers are all very successful and have been very generous with us. My husband and their father left us alone years ago, lives far away, helps raise his girlfriend’s children, and sends nothing for the support of his own children. The problem is that one brother said I was raising unappreciative brats who demand and do not know how to say “thank you”. He had just taken them on a trip and they wanted everything they saw. I talked to my mother, even though more gently, she agreed with my brother. Even though it hurt her to tell me, she says she does feel my children are not grateful and even demanding. And worse yet, not appreciative like the other children whose parents are well off and help us. I guess I’ve wrongly felt we deserve things from our family because of how hard we’ve had it. I guess this has not been right. My dad also agrees. He says they’ve tried to tell me their feelings, but they obviously have not been direct enough. He simply said to have them say “thank you” more and teach them to be appreciative. He says that’s my job. What do you think? I know everyone loves us and will help.
Answer:
Your dad is right. They need to be appreciative and say thank you. I might add, the “thank you” needs to be sincere. Your dad is also right when he says that is your job.
That your life has been difficult is true. It also is true you are fortunate to have generous and loving parents, brothers, and their families. What is also true is that your children need to show appreciation when people help. That these person do it out of love for you is reason to show love back by being appreciative. As the old Spanish saying goes, ‘Love pays back with love’, (Amor se paga with amor.)
You need to have a heart to heart discussion with your children and tell them to be humble and appreciative. Let them clearly know they must always sincerely say “thank you” and not expect more and more things from family. Say their life would be much worse without the generous love and support of family. They must focus not on how unfair life has been to them, but rather how fortunate they are to have a loving, supportive, and generous family.
Of particular concern is that the children of your brothers are appreciative and yours are not. This does relate to parenting and your apparent unwillingness to set some appreciation limits for them. Even though the lack of parenting by the father is disgraceful, for your children to grow up unappreciative of what is done for them is a terrible outcome. Do not allow a “victim mentality” to overcome them when they expect things because of how bad the father is.
To meet with your family to discuss this situation could be helpful. Include your children in the process. You all need to work together to help teach them to be appreciative. With the love you all have, success can come if you all work together. I think you can and will.

Question:
Dr.Braccio: We recently had a blow up argument with our seventeen year old kocasinan eskort son. He’s been finding a lot of faults in us recently. It has gotten particularly bad since he began dating a girl from a home where he says they live according to how they speak. We’re good people, but do often excessively drink, swear and smoke. We also fight a lot and compete over anything. His older brother and sister adapt to us and are like us. Because he’s such a solid person, we at least are trying to look at ourselves more closely. We’ve also quit blaming her and her family for his new attitude. She is really nice and her family open and clearly good people. We’re confused and question our own behaviors. What should we do?
Answer
You need to model the behaviors you want your children to exhibit. Drinking, swearing, fighting and smoking are behaviors most parents would not want to model for their children.
Based on your own description of yourselves, it is reasonable for your son to have concerns and voice them about the behavior and overall environment of his family home.
Your lifestyle, while it may seem comfortable in its habits to you, does not provide your son with a feeling of pride, security or connectivity. If those are your values as good people, then adapting your lifestyle may benefit all of you in far ranging ways.
You need to decide the type of home you want. If you choose to live as you do, and that is your choice, you may definitely continue to lose your son’s respect over time. The fact you “are questioning your own behaviors” shows you are considering changes in your home. I think that would be a good idea. Who you determine to be as individuals will determine the kind of home environment you will have.
The following are some changes to consider that could make your home life more moderate and acceptable to everyone. You would also find there predictably would be a growth in respect, love and family unity if you try some of these changes.
1. Drink in moderation. To get drunk is not attractive or good for the health. It also can lead to inappropriate, atypical, and even dangerous behaviors.
2. Swearing is demeaning to the person doing it and to whomever the swearing may relate. Not swearing only has positives, while abusive language only has negatives.
3. It is never too late to question our values and behaviors. A new growing process can ring some great rewards to your family.
4. Fighting a lot and constant competition are very stressful. Question yourselves here: How much do you smoke, drink, and swear as a tension relief from fighting and unhealthy competing with one another? Are these actually self and family defeating behaviors?
5. Continue to support your son’s sense of values and respect his needs for life-enhancing behaviors.
You need to use the conflict to make changes that will make all of you as individuals and a family more effective, loving and unified. It is possible with a lot of soul searching and hard work.

Question:
Dr.Braccio: My long time card playing friends karatay eskort and I have been debating what leadership is. Our views range from micro-managing to pretty much expecting employees to be motivated to do their best. What do you think?
Answer:
You are proving that everyone has a basic idea of what leadership is there is little agreement on what it actually is.
I would argue that leadership is the ability to effectively give a vision to others to do something and direct the task to a satisfactory completion with support and even enthusiasm of team members. The leader’s role is the same whether the organization is a home or huge corporation or government office.
The following are some key characteristics that an effective leader must have.
1. Can motivate and even inspire persons to do their best and even help staff develop abilities they never knew they had.
2. Can present his or her vision of how something is to be accomplished that others can understand and have a desire to do.
3. Is trusted and persons are willing to follow.
4. Is respected without using fear or demeaning attitude.
5. Gives information and wisdom without arrogance or looking down on the person.
6. Sees the value in everyone and makes sure each person knows this.
7. Is honest with the person who cannot do the job.
The following are a few historical quotes that I believe are right on point.
1. Aristotle. He who never learned to obey cannot be a good commander.
2. Proverbs. Where this is no vision, the people perish.
3. Napoleon. A leader is a dealer in hope.
4. Martin Luther King, Jr. The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.
5. James Thomas. An eagle was never yet hatched from a goose egg.
6. John Adams. If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.
7. Publins Syrns. The greater a man is in power above others, the more he ought to excel them in virtue. None ought to govern who is not better than those governed.
8. Ginseppe Garibaldi. A bold onset is half the battle.
My response will hopefully give information for your card group to discuss. As a leader must individually search for the right combination of skills to effectively complete his or her work, it is important each of us develop our own leadership skills to help ourselves be effective as leader or as a team member helping the leader and team members effectively complete the task at hand.

Question:
Dr.Braccio: I am struggling with moving my fourth and fifth grade anamur eskort kızlar children to a school where my husband’s two other children go to school. They are accepted as school of choice students but I feel like I’m deserting some parents who don’t have my choice for one reason or another. The problem has been there for years. We’ve consistently seen a few students in each class throughout the school be disrespectful to teachers and cause problems on the playground. The teachers see the problems but are powerless. The principal has promised over and over again to make changes but never does. We even went over her head but to no avail. She has even told us to be sensitive to these children. I’m not the first parent to leave and will not be the last. My husband says it makes sense to have the children together, but I feel guilty. For their part, my children are more than ready to move. They do not like the disrespect either. That is not how I’ve raised them. What do you think?
Answer:
Ultimately, a parent’s responsibility is to attempt to make sure the children go to a school where not only academic excellence is expected and taught, but also that the students are expected to respect adults, each other, and most certainly, the teacher.
While I have respect for parochial and other non-public schools for their success, I believe the public school is the cornerstone upon which our society is built. I also believe that the vast majority of teachers are excellent and continue to forge our ever changing and growing population into productive and giving United States citizens. The key is that they be allowed to teach in a good educational environment where learning can flourish.
With that said, if you are not satisfied where your children attend school, and feel there is a chronic lack of respect for teachers and students, and you have actively tried to change things, then to go to another public school that reflects your educational outlook seems reasonable.
That your children and husband support the change is positive as well as that all the children will go to school together.
If you and other parents are leaving the school due to a perceived lack of administrative control, hopefully the principal and/or school district will make necessary changes. In this day of tight school budgets, a district must do all it can to retain and even attract other students.
While I agree with the principal that you need to be sensitive to the problems of students in your school, I would argue the responsibility of the principal is to all students and that classrooms must have respectful and controlled environments. To argue otherwise is very poor educational policy.
To be sensitive to those students does not include the need to tolerate unacceptable, anti-social behaviors and/or attitudes from them. Sensitively includes compassion, but it does not exclude justice.
I also would argue the principal needs to find interventions and strategies to address disrespectful and disruptive students in the classroom and on the playground. This can include the individual or joint efforts of the school counselor, school social worker, school psychologist, principal, teachers, central office staff or outside experts working with all involved persons.
You obviously have guilt and mixed feelings about moving your children to a new school. To have mixed feelings under the circumstances would be reasonable; however, guilt is not reasonable because you are doing this with the goal of enhancing the educational opportunity of your children. It also is true this problem has been in place for some years and you are still not satisfied there is an honest attempt to solve it. That all four children will be in the same school is also a positive.
It appears that you have exercised your reasonable options to effect changes toward a more acceptable environment for your children. Perhaps it’s not guilt you feel as much as your own sense of powerlessness in this situation. Don’t expend any more of your precious, personal energy on emotions that will avail nothing. As you are now, continue to promote positive educational change for your children that will enhance the happiness and self-esteem of the whole family.