Author: lstart

Question

Dr.Braccio: I was in a relationship for 13 years (never married) and lived with this man the entire time with mersin esc our daughter. My daughter and I moved out six months ago after I learned he was still cheating on me. I forgave him the first time it happened four years ago. Then found out he was with the same woman and left him. Needless to say it was not a pleasant relationship. He was abusive, controlling, intimidating and he also refused to work. To make a long story short, I am afraid that he is trying to be as controlling and intimidating to our daughter. He makes her feel guilty when things do not go his way and even tells her that he doesn’t want to call her or see her anymore and that he doesn’t have a daughter anymore. He also says things like your new daddy will take care of you (I do not have a boyfriend nor am I seeing anybody). At times he has my daughter in tears. Then in a few days he tells her he loves her and that he is sorry. I feel hurt for my daughter that he is putting her through this. What can I say to him to make him understand that he is treating her like he treated me and get him to understand that it is not right of him to do? I want him to stop playing head games with her. Please help.

Answer

The situation of your daughter that you present is horrible and one that has destroyed and is destroying the lives of countless children. That the resulting self-esteem problems can last for a lifetime and by example be passed down to the next generation shows the need to stop the emotional damage being done to her as soon as possible.

Sadly, I do not believe you can convince him of the need to treat your daughter differently. He is simply treating her like he treated you. With that said, continue to defend her and strongly voice your concerns to the father. This will model appropriate assertiveness that hopefully she will use herself with him and as needed in her future relationships with other persons.

The problem is that it is very late to change the pattern. Because she grew up watching him abuse you emotionally, she appears to have most likely taken on a similar role. Even if this is true, focus on what you can do now rather than ruining the present as you condemn the effects of the past on your daughter today.

That you were able to finally escape this emotionally destructive person is a tribute to you and a great example of positive modeling for your daughter.

Because he is the father, and apparently has great influence over her feelings, as he did with you, it will be very difficult and most likely a long term project for her to strengthen to the point he is not an emotionally destructive force in her life. It is critical for her present and future mental health that she do this.

Mind games, conditional love, and demeaning names, gestures, attitudes, etc. that are harmful to her self-esteem must not be tolerated.

You can begin by telling your daughter what are acceptable and unacceptable behaviors toward her by her father and others. Use yourself as an example of what not to do. You can explain to her the process you went through that led you from being abused to setting yourself free.

Try to seek out friends that model human respect. Male role models could be particularly useful as a counterbalance to her father. Church and community activities could help make such persons available to both of you.

A counselor experienced in the abusive type of relationship your daughter has with her father could be very helpful if the situation does not improve.

Question

Dr.Braccio: My husband and I do not konya merkez bayan arkadaş deal with anger well. When I’m mad and hurt, he knows about it right away. I yell louder and louder and nag him to get my point across and get a reaction from him. This never works. He pretends like he’s going along with me but I know better. With him, I never know how he feels until he explodes over the smallest of things. We have a young child and both worry he’ll not be helped by our anger problems. For his sake and our sake, we want to end this anger nonsense. We love each other but we’re confused about how to resolve this problem. He said he tries to get along and doesn’t like to argue. But things build in him and he can’t contain how he feels. What do you think we should do?

Answer

The positive thing is that you love each other and want to resolve the anger problems. The negative thing is that each of your approaches to anger is often destructive to the relationship. The end result is not only anger and hurt, but love can also go if you do not find effective ways to express and resolve your anger and what causes it.

It appears your anger either intimidates him, turns him off or confuses him to the point he does not know how to respond. The problem is that his anger gradually builds up in him when he is not reacting until he explodes over something else that seems very small. It is like the saying, “The straw that broke the camel’s back”.

On your side, your anger grows and grows because his not responding will not help you to resolve your anger when it begins.

Even though you both deal with anger differently, the end result is that you both yell and lose control of yourselves.

You both need to be able to discuss your feelings openly so anger can be an emotion that can lead to positive interactions as you problem solve on what makes you upset. Levels of anger in each of you would be greatly reduced if you could openly discuss concerns when they arise in a manner comfortable for each of you.

Your husband needs to understand anger in marriage is a normal emotion one develops due to hurt, frustration, feelings of being minimized, not being heard, taken advantage of, etc. The way to resolve anger is to discuss it openly, honestly, and in a sensitive manner whereby neither person is hurt and feels defensive.

A helpful concept for both of you would be to see anger about the other to be “our anger problem” rather than “mine” and “yours”. It is analogous to being a “couple “versus” two individuals”.

If each of you can see anger as a joint problem, it can be easier to resolve. Both of you will have a personal stake in resolving it. Each of you can begin by trying to present your anger in “I feel” statements rather than “You make me angry” statements. Such statements show how you feel rather than to put blame on the other for your feelings.

You need to listen to your husband when he has trouble speaking to help him feel comfortable to discuss anger. Your getting angrier and angrier about something does not work because eventually he is the one who gets angry over an unrelated matter. The result is that no one is satisfied and anger and resentment grow inside of each of you.

The reasons “why” these anger incidents occur are not nearly as important as to “how” you choose to express them. You need to gain the skills and the “tools” to invest your emotional energies constructively and creatively. Often times, a couple gets locked into poor patterns of communicating their thoughts and feelings; the healthiest resolve is to simply gain information and learn techniques to facilitate this exchange of thoughts and emotions. Seek out a therapist experienced in anger management if you cannot resolve these anger problems on your own. These techniques can be taught on a short term basis with assistance of a competent therapist.

If there is a spiritual component to your life, a marriage encounter weekend might also be helpful.

Question

Dr.Braccio: I’m very konya merkez escort kızlar frustrated. I’m trying to raise two pre-adolescent teens, work and maintain a relationship. For the second time in a row over a four year period, I’ve been left by a significant other who claims my kids are such a priority to me that there is little time for us. The last one even said my work was a higher priority than him. My problem is that I must work and my kids without a doubt are my number one priority. I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect me to not be as involved in the children’s lives as much as possible. One of them was a weekend father and the last one had no children. Even though each liked my children and said they wanted to be a major part of their lives, neither felt close enough to want to stay with us. What can I do? I feel deserted and the kids again feel hurt and abandoned. They both came in and got close to the kids. Then they just left.

Answer

This is an unfortunate situation. It appears you simply have had some combination of bad luck and making poor choices. While not excusing their brutish behavior, you may not be able to give enough of yourself in a relationship that your significant other feels attached to you and the children. Perhaps your potential partners assumed that you offered more emotional resources and availability than were realistically accessible.

That they came into your lives saying they were ready to be part of the family, became involved with the children and then just left because of them is unconscionable and just plain wrong. You also must be very cautious in believing such statements from perspective significant others. To protect your children and give them more faith in your choices, you could date someone causally prior to their involvement with your children.

You might try to date a man involved and in love with his children who would like to blend them with yours into a loving family. While not always easy to do, it could work.  You also might look for a man who wants to have a family and would love to join yours. There are many lonely and even very happy people that want to actively belong to a family.

To meet someone through church or school activities of your children might be a non-threatening and positive way to meet a potential significant other.  Even if difficult, you also need to look at yourself and see if you promise too much and push them out of your life by not focusing enough on the two of you. I agree with you that your children are your number one priority. It also is true these must be adult time with the significant other if the relationship is going to develop. In the best of relationships, there is a need for the persons to have time to discuss all important issues and grow together as they live the present into the future. In a sense, the success of a relationship in the future begins now.

You probably need time for you and the children to heal prior to entering into a new relationship. You must determine how much of yourself you can give and if that is enough to cement a relationship. Even if unlikely, your children and work may have become convenient excuses for you to not develop appropriate intimacy with a significant other.

You may find after soul searching that your work and parenting are such priorities that you choose not to date seriously and in effect firmly decide to raise your children as you desire and not have conflicting allocation of time pressures on you. To make your children your number one priority is a noble and important choice that is very good for them. You may find to focus on them until the youngest is out of high school is the least stressful choice and the most mentally healthy for all of you. If you decide not to do this, and even if you do, to seek out a therapist, minister and/or group that addresses your areas of concern to help you determine what truly caused the breakup of your relationships. This is said even though their entering the lives of you and the children and then just leaving was most inappropriate and damaging.

Whatever you decide to do now, your decisions must eliminate as much as possible that your children will ever again feel hurt and abandoned. All three of you have been hurt enough. Let the healing process begin.

Question

Dr.Braccio: I’m quite escort bayan mersin upset and hurt. I’ve lost over 150 pounds in the past year and a half after having Bariatric Surgery. I was horribly obese and in horrible shape with diabetes, arthritis, high blood pressure and all kinds of other physical problems and discomfort. I couldn’t even tie my shoes and my joints ached all the time. After a lot of internal debate, I had the operation. Now I feel so much better physically and emotionally. From four shots, I only take one insulin shot a day. My problem is that a few co-workers make snide comments about the “kind of person” who has no discipline and needs surgery to lose weight. On top of that, my “fat” sister is telling everybody I did it to try to get a man. I did it for health and I’m tired of explaining this to her. I have found a good man to date and my sister seems angry and jealous about that. He tells me to ignore her. What can I do and why is this happening?

Answer

You need to not listen to the critics. Because you are a sensitive person, this will be hard for you to do; however, that is the best solution. You did what you did because you felt it was the right thing to do for your health. The weight you have lost and your better physical and emotional health say it all. What more could you say? That you have found a “good man” to date is positive and everyone needs to be happy for you.

I would give you the same advice as your friend: Ignore your sister. You obviously cannot change her mind and you have no need to do it. Others will understand her motives. I would add your co-workers to the list. Why your co-workers are being negative could be jealousy, pettiness or they are mean spirited. That is their problem. Who would not rather be you than them? You are trying to improve yourself as a person and make yourself more healthy. They are not and are not your friends. To ignore them is the right thing to do. To one time tell them how you feel may make you feel better but most likely would not have much impact.

To be unfairly critical of others is a bad quality in sometimes even the best of persons. In this case, this lack of sensitivity by the petty critics reflects negativity on them and not you. This also occurs when people are jealous and angry. Your sister may be upset she lost her overweight sister. That you have found someone to date may be too much for her. That he is a “good man” may have really put her over the top. You also need to know that jealousy is as powerful as it is destructive and corrosive to the person who cannot control it. That is not your problem.

You need to focus on what you have accomplished rather than any outside negativity. It was brave of you to undertake the surgery and your current mental health and physical condition are a tribute to you. That you have found a “good man” to date is icing on the cake. Applaud yourself for doing something to improve your physical and mental health to advance yourself in life.

Question

Dr.Braccio: My husband silifke escort ilanları and I are happy in our second marriage. When we married three years ago, all of his and my children were out of the home. The problem is that my twenty-seven year old son literally fell into our home eight months ago and shows no signs of leaving. He is an alcoholic and lost his wife and job in Chicago. He’s now putting his life in order but my husband wants him on his own. He has been very supportive of my son but says eight months is enough. His two sisters agree and feel he should be on his own. I kind of agree but also feel I’m his mother and need to help him. I find myself having secret talks with him that I don’t tell my husband or other children about. I feel bad about this. My son makes good money but feels he would relapse if he were to leave. He goes to Alcoholics Anonymous regularly and is in therapy. What do you think?

Answer

I think it has been helpful that you took him in when his life was falling apart. But now it seems reasonable for him to move into his own place. You can still offer a steady helping hand to him, but that does not mean he should live indefinitely in your home. He needs to learn to fly again on his own.

Even though marriages can have complications, to expect your husband to accept your adult son living in your home without an end in sight is not reasonable. That he has a job, is getting help and can pay his own way is positive and should make his leaving much easier. You need to plan his leaving. The three of you need to sit down and discuss the situation. You and your husband need to be united. Your husband has been tolerant to have your adult son live with you for eight months.

Encourage your son to continue in treatment to help him with any relapse problems. While you must not underestimate the relapse possibility, your son must determine what he needs to do to best and eliminate any relapse problems. He seems to be getting appropriate treatment.

You need to stop your “secret meetings’ with your son. This makes you more co-dependent in a negative way and is not healthy for the marriage. You two need to work as a team.

It is positive he goes to Alcoholics Anonymous and is in therapy. They need to be his primary support and not you.

It is possible your son is afraid to be on his own. He needs to know that when he needs support, that he can call you and spend time with you on a regular basis. With that said, his calls should only come when they are needed and not to make you worry and make each of you more co-dependent on each other.

If not already, you can do some research on alcohol addiction and also go to Alanon meetings to make you comfortable with any decision you make and the resulting follow up.

There are times in life that in spite of our limitless love for our children that we must let them go to solve their own problems. With continued emotional support from the two of you, I believe you can do this. The time to let him go is now and make your focus your marriage.

You may find you need counseling to help deal with this difficult situation.

Question 

Dr.Braccio:  We are finding out our ten year old son kocasinan escort bayan lies.  We knew he told “fibs”, but did not want to admit it was a big problem.  But the school counselor called and says they have caught him in lies to avoid punishment at school and our neighbors say he lied to their faces about when they saw him destroy some flowers in their back yard.  He does not like to admit what he does, but we have told him he must be truthful from now on.  He cries and is blaming everyone else.  He’s a late child for us and we’re hurting.  What can we do?

Answer

Insisting on honesty is the correct policy.  Your son is old enough to understand the impact of his lies.  He clearly needs to know you do also.

Reinforcing your son during times when he does choose to be honest will be helpful.  Praise that choice and reward it.

Deal with the lies in a very straight forward way.  There are to be “no excuses”.  He is manipulating your adult world and those at the school and at the neighbors when he chooses to lie.  It may be well invested energy to investigate the behaviors he performs that stimulate the purported “need to lie” in the first place.  Are these destructive behaviors?  Is he cheating or hurting others?  Why does he perform those activities in the first place?

Sadly, there are few models in our children’s world of media exposure and often in their social environment that actively promote honesty as a value.  That places a strong emphasis for that formation on you, as parents.

Another strategy would be to temporarily limit your son’s “sphere of influence”.  He can understand that he can earn his privilege to spin out his freedoms as he proves himself to be trustworthy.

If you have a spiritual orientation you can enlist the support of a minister or priest.

As you implement your “zero tolerance” for lying, do not be surprised if he fights you harder than ever before.  He knows you have minimized his lies and called them “fibs”.  He is hoping you will go back to the old ways.  You must not let your heart interfere with your helping your son by insisting he tell the truth.  His self-esteem is in the balance for people tire quickly of liars.

The goal is for him to be known as a person of honor who tells the truth.  That is a reasonable goal and something to strive for.  Do not settle for less.

Question

Dr.Braccio:  We’ve been married for seventeen years and I’m always in kocasinan escort hot water with my wife by forgetting her birthday, anniversary and every other important date.  I’ve told her to remind me but she says it’s my job.  She became particularly enraged a few weeks ago when I again forgot her fortieth birthday.  She became more enraged when I said she was overlooking all the good I do and was overreacting.  Our ten year old son told me to just do it and quit defending my forgetfulness.  We generally get along fine.  I treat her good and we love each other.  I don’t understand how little things like this can cause us so much trouble.  What should I do?

Answer

Some spouses do remind their spouses of important days so they will not forget them.  In your case, and your wife is clearly the norm; she wants you to remember important days in your lives.  It seems reasonable to do that.  Particularly when you two otherwise “generally get along fine” and “love each other”.  Your ten year-old son gives you good advice.   Key days to remember for your wife are your anniversary, her birthday, Mother’s Day, Valentine’s Day and Christmas.  Add to this list whatever is important to her.

For these days, you would do well to treat her as the most loved person in your life that she is.  Dinner, flowers, massages, poetry, words of love, books of love, and most importantly, showing feelings of true love will make your marriage, family life and mutual feelings of spousal love remarkably better.  A minimal investment in thoughtfulness will pay huge dividends in peace!

While some husbands and wives would say love is what you show by being a responsible spouse, and I would agree, a wise spouse knows that celebrating special dates and trying to maintain a special relationship at other times make for a much more intimate love and marriage.  It keeps the love in the marriage.

In a successful marriage, each spouse tries to hear what the other is saying and meet the needs of each other.  When each does this, then a good loving and intimate marriage is the result.  By becoming defensive about your forgetfulness, she felt de-valued.

Listen to her words, but more important, listen to her heart and meet her needs as they are. You are not “hearing” how important it is to your wife for you to remember key dates.  Do everything you can to remember them.  Even if unfortunate for both of you, her reaction has clearly caught your attention.

Because women tend to value relationships, mindfulness of her needs helps you to fulfill them.  This is normal.  In your wife’s eyes, mindfulness of her significant events is a part of how she feels meaningful to you versus being “taken for granted”. Which do you intend to communicate?

For now, even at this late date, and her initial reaction may not be positive, I would advise you to buy her a birthday present or get her flowers, chocolates or perfume.  Set the tone for the future.  Say you are sorry and mean it.

I would predict if you do this, your marriage will be much better.  By making your wife feel special and truly loved, she will treat you much better and both of you will be remarkably happier.

Whatever decision you make needs to be made by the three of you with open discussion and decision making.  You can listen to others, but the choice is yours.

Any questions and comments would be appreciated.

Question

Dr.Braccio:  Our fourteen-year old son has had a rocky and difficult eighth grade silifke eskort ilanları year.  He’s been in his first puppy love, which ended in disaster, has been crabby at home and school, wants to be part of the “in group” and continues to be obsessed with how he looks.  A little pimple on his face gets him upset.  As my husband laughs and says, “He’s a general pain in the wazzoo”.  He’s our oldest of four and we wonder if this is what we should expect.  We are a close family and talk a lot, but he’s difficult to deal with much of the time.

Answer

Welcome to puberty and middle school life in the family lives of adolescents and parents.  Things will be at least as complicated next year when he begins high school.

Adolescence is and has been a difficult time.  Children go from elementary school where relationships and body changes occur but nothing like the radical changes that occur in adolescence.  They become very aware of what they look like and too often seem to compete and compare themselves with others.  They become aware of sexuality and the opposite sex.  Feelings of unattractiveness, awkwardness and low self-esteem can cause so much hurt.  Even the changes of voice from the light timber of a child to the beginning of adult sound can be difficult.  A squeak every now and then is not unusual.

Social positioning also changes dramatically.  To be popular and part of the in crowd becomes far more complicated and difficult.  How fast you can gallop on the playground or how many dolls you have becomes irrelevant and is replaced with social graces and getting along with the opposite sex.  Of course, to be a good athlete is very helpful with social status. Unfortunately, to be a top academic student is too often not given enough status and parents and school personnel need to praise it.

Because everything is so new and solid maturity and personality balance are often lacking, it can be a very difficult for persons who do not fit in.  Adolescents are often even cruel as they criticize and ostracize those who are seen as slow and not cool.  This causes great pain in many boys and girls as they are going through so many physical and emotional changes and need to struggle to find self-satisfaction and self-esteem growth.  The lack of maturity and life experience in seemingly adult bodies often leads to bad decisions and conflicts with parents and school officials.

The positive thing is that most persons adjust to middle school and then high school after going through growing pains.

It is important during these adolescent years that you try hard to keep good communication open with our children.  We must listen to them, have their confidence and give them the best advice we can.  That is what good parenting is all about.

That you are close as a family is very important to “survive” the adolescence years of your children.  Parents must have developed strong bonding since birth to have the family strength to overcome the many societal and peer temptations that are so available to adolescence:  Inappropriate sexuality, illegal drugs, dare devil activities and poor peer choices to name a few.

A strong spiritual or strong moral sense of right and wrong must be in place to help your son and other children make good decisions and be a positive leader for his peers.  That he will make many mistakes is to be expected.  Make sure you are there to be a strong guide and example for him.  With your support, he will hopefully focus more and more on being a good person, friend, citizen, son, student and contributor to society.

Question

Dr.Braccio:  My worrying sent me to kocasinan escort ilanları the emergency room.  I thought I was going to die.  My whole body was trembling, my heart was pounding and I had a splitting headache.   I was told I had a panic attack and to quit worrying.  I’d like to but I am a worrier and feel I should be.  My mother and sisters are the same as me.  We laugh and agree I have just taken worrying to a new level.  My adult children and husband tell me to loosen up and stop seeing the worst possible outcome to everything.  I know they’re right, but what can I do to change?  I can’t have another panic attack.  I have medication from my family physician but want to control my own feelings without it.  I was actually worrying about an interview for a promotion my son was taking in Illinois when my panic attack began.

Answer

You need to relax, stop and smell the roses.  Do not believe you “should” be a worrier.  Life is too short to always be worrying and accepting it as a part of your life.  By expecting the worst, you take worrying over small every day matters to the level of “catastrophic “ events.

You can change but it will be hard because you have been at it for years.  Hopefully the fear of panic attacks can help you to change your outlook so it never happens again.  As you have found, panic attacks are horrible and to be avoided.

Whether your son got the promotion or not, your getting a panic attack and going to the hospital over it had no impact on his interview and caused you needless emotional and physical agony.

The following are some suggestions to help to reduce the possibilities of having another panic attack.

1.    Continue to meet with your physician about the use of medication. That may be necessary until you can take more control of your anxiety.

2.    Eliminate “should” from your vocabulary.  It infers a moral failure that you are not doing something you must do.  This leads to useless guilt.

3.    Replace the word “should” with a choice statement.  For example, “I choose to help or not help my neighbor today”, versus, “I should help my neighbor”.

4.    Smile and laugh when you feel intense and ready to worry.

5.    Recognize all the worrying in the world will not change what happens.

6.    Find joy in life everyday.

7.    Use deep breathing, self-hypnosis, meditation, yoga, music or any other way to relax and put the “tiger” to sleep and bring out the peaceful “lamb” in you.

8.    Recognize the emotional and physical cost of worrying.  The trip to the hospital and the agony of a panic attack show you the havoc worry does to your body and mind.

9.    Choose a worry time every day when you will worry and push worries away until that time  This can be very helpful.

10.  Exercising.

11.  Talking with a friend.

11.  Determine what you can realistically do day-by-day and do it.

12.  If necessary, seek out a therapist experienced in panic attack treatment if you cannot effectively get over your anxiety and any resulting panic attacks.

Any questions or comments would be appreciated.

If you feel you need outside support, you can seek out a pastor and/or therapist experienced in such situations as yours.

The rewards for you and the children are so huge that no effort can be too great to keep your marriage together.

Any questions or comments would be greatly appreciated.

http://www.drjohnb.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/14-01-Megamix.mp3

Question

7.    Learn to love yourself more.  You will then find far more understanding and love for others.

8.    Focus on active listening.  This means you listen to what someone says, ask questions to resolve what you do not understand and with that information, respond in a civilized and problem solving mode.

9.    Admit when you are wrong.  Honest contrition has mellowed countless angry hearts.

10.  Find at least one good thing to say about people you see every day.

11.  Spend time every day being grateful for what you have in life.

12.  Cut out sarcastic comments completely.  They are hurtful and a form of bomb throwing that will never be helpful to anyone.

13.  Before you make a statement, ask yourself if it will gain you what you desire.  An example would be if you wanted a friend to help you, you would not yell at them and demand they help you.

14.  Stop drinking alcohol.  That things are worse when “doing some drinking” is a clear sign that alcohol is bad for  you and to stop drinking would be a positive thing.

It will be hard for you to change after being this way for your whole life.  The positive thing in your favor is you desire to change and are aware of the problem.  That you love your children shows you have the capacity to effectively love yourself and others.

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Even if she continues for a period of time to have a hard time changing, hopefully she can begin to see the excitement and fun that comes from spontaneously trying new things.  That both of you could do it together would be great fun in a positive mother/daughter bonding situation.

Any questions or comments would be appreciated.

Dr.Braccio talks with Jack Ebling and Graham Couch about the surprising lack of action from Jim Delany, The Big Ten Commissioner, in the aftermath of the physical fight in the Ohio State University and the silifke escort numaraları University of Michigan Football Game.

Dr.Braccio talks about unhappiness in many persons during the five week holiday period and what can be escort mersin done to help counter it.

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3.  Control what you think.  This deceptively difficult task is very hard for most people to do.  Begin by consciously not thinking about “what ifs “ and “catastrophic” thoughts.  Recognize that all the worrying in the world will not resolve a problem.  When you have a concern to resolve, plan a way to have the best chance for success.  See life as having risks but put risks in perspective.  Try to see life as an exciting and individual adventure for you to experience rather than worrying about everything that might happen.

4.  Use cognitive restructuring statements to change anxiety producing statements to positive non-anxiety ones.  For example, say “The kids are out and nothing bad will happen to them” versus “I know they will get in an accident”.  Another would be to say, “I’ll do just fine when I present my job report” versus  “I know I’ll get nervous and look stupid when I present my job report”.

5.  Try to focus on enjoying the present and not worrying about yesterday or “what iffing” about the rest of the day and tomorrow.  In an often unpredictable world, plan as best you can, prepare for problems and enjoy your life as you live it.

Expect change to come slowly as you reduce anxiety by trying the above strategies.  Success will come and you will lead a much happier life.

If after trying the above, you feel you are not improving or improving to the level you desire, you may find it helpful to seek an experienced therapist with anxiety disorders.

Any questions and comments would be appreciated.

This IS an example of “Active Listening”:

Parent:       “How are you today?”

Daughter:  “Not good”.

Parent:       “You do seem upset.  What happened?”

Daughter:  “ My friend Judy said a mean thing to me”.

Parent:       “How do you feel about that?”

Daughter:  “I’m hurt and upset.”

Parent:       “So, you’re really upset?”

Daughter:   “Yes.  I don’t like that from a friend.”

Parent:        “What are you going to do?”

Daughter:   “I’m gonna call her tonight and talk to her and say how I feel.”

Parent:        “Do you think that will work?”

Daughter:   “I guess so.  That’s how we deal with things like this.”

Parent:        “Sounds like a good idea.”

Daughter:   “Thanks mom.”

With effective “Active Listening” the following occurs:

1.  The feelings of the child are validated and heard in a safe problem-solving environment.

2.  Parents do not distract the child from addressing the problem.

3.  Parents do not intervene unless there is a danger or unreasonable abuse of the child.

4.  The parent only gives advice and solutions when necessary.

It appears you two are ready to make some changes and help your daughter.  To keep in contact with the teacher and school counselor seems reasonable.

Any questions or comments would be appreciated.

Question

Dr.Braccio:  With support from my husband, sister and God, the doctors tell me they believe I have karatay escort beaten colon cancer.  My concern is that my mother and one sister seemed so distant with me during the past year.  This also happened with a few friends.  The hurt came because I have always been there for all of them whenever there was a problem or a concern.  Even though my mother and sister are both immature selfish and I feel like the parent, I expected more from them.  But when I was in crisis, they were not only not there, but seemed to resent me for my severe health problem and my inability to console them on their issues.  Only one friend was honest enough to say she was used to me being a support to her and she had no emotional energy for me. A few unexpected persons out of the blue stepped up and helped me emotionally.  What’s wrong here and should I be upset?

Answer

The problem is that you gave too much emotionally to those who will not now reciprocate because they cannot or have no desire to do so.  You have every right to be upset.  When one gives so much as you have emotionally, it is only reasonable to assume others will give back when you are in need.  This would particularly be true with your mother and sister.  Apparently, their immaturity and selfishness are such that they chose to not be supportive to you during your crisis.  Some of your friends fit into this same category.

As painful and hurtful as this is to you emotionally, it is not that uncommon.  Too often, the world is divided into ”givers” and takers”.  You are a giver who has been surrounded by too many takers.  That this includes your own mother and sister must be particularly painful.  It also is true that a friendship is a like a wonderful and nourishing mirror where each person reflects understanding to the other.  Some of your relationships have not been true friendships.

It is fortunate you have spiritual beliefs.  They are so reinforcing and splendid in times of crisis.

A key concept for you in relationships is that you need to remember the wise statement that says you need to “love yourself” as well as “your neighbor”.  You have too often left “yourself” out of your relationships.  This is particularly true with people who will only take support but not give it back.

In the future, you need to determine who you want to be around.  A key standard would be to seek out persons with your capacity to reach out and help others. Then when you give, you know you are appreciated and the person will be there for you when needed.  You can begin this with the friends and family who stood by you during your ordeal as well as the persons who “stepped up and helped”.  They are like you and deserve your friendship.  Your husband and sister are good persons like you.

Any questions or comments would be appreciated.