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HOW THE BETRAYED SPOUSE CAN FORGIVE EXTRAMARITAL BETRAYAL AND SAVE THE MARRIAGE

This is the third podcast on extramarital affairs. The first podcast was on reasons why partners have affairs and the second was on what the betraying spouse must do to try to save the marriage and love of the spouse. This segment is what the betrayed spouse needs to do to determine to stay in the marriage. As a starting point, the betraying spouse must show total remorse, total honesty, and a full commitment to the spouse and the marriage. If you determine to make an honest attempt to save the marriage, the following are representative of what must occur: 1. Obtain all the facts you need from your partner.  No question is out of bounds. As painful as this is, it is a critical aspect of your healing and ability to move forward. 2. Ongoing discussion about your feelings and what the affair did to you. Use the “I feel” statements rather than the accusatory “You made me feel” statements. 3. Engage in “active listening” where the spouse lets the other get all feelings out in the open with the other spouse quietly listening to fully understand and not respond or challenge the conclusions or statements. This is very hard to do. The offending spouse will need to develop this skill or there will be many heated interactions. You will also need to be able to use active listening to fully understand the betraying spouse. 4.A need for open discussion about the affair to get everything out over an extended period of time. 5. Try to limit the amount of time talking about the affair on a daily basis. Both spouses need conversation and activities separate from the affair. This will be strongly determined by you. 6. Expect many soul searching moments where the emotional pain can return in extreme amounts and you question if you could ever love or trust your spouse again. 7. If both spouses really want the relationship to work and the period of time needed by you to move forward is used by both to save the marriage, then it can occur. Be aware the process will predictably be long and hard on both spouses. The emotional mountains to climb to move forward and understand why and how the extramarital occurred are very difficult to climb but must be done. 8. The amount of time needed to fully commit to saving the marriage varies with the betrayed spouse and can only be determined by that person…I am a positive person. I have worked with many betrayed spouses over the decades who have overcome the horrible betrayal of a spouse and have gone back to loving and successful marriages. Both spouses need to work in overdrive to have this occur. There also is the need during this whole soul-searching time to look at problems that existed prior to the extramarital affair and make sure by both persons that they never occur again and are rooted out in the whole reconciliation process.

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WHAT A SPOUSE MUST DO WHO HAS HAD AN EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIR TO TRY TO SAVE THE MARRIAGE.

Due to the immense pain experienced by the spouse who has been forced to recognize their spouse has been unfaithful,it is not surprising it is so difficult for the love and trust to be rekindled. I again want to emphasize how difficult it is for both persons to effectively overcome the betrayal. The following are some suggested actions that predictably are needed to be implemented by the betraying spouse to ever hope to be able to return to a loving relationship:  1.Absolute termination of the affair with proof presented as needed. 2.Genuine remorse. 3.Honesty. Answer all questions over and over again as necessary. 4.Patience, patience and even more patience. It will take a long time and you must expect much anger and hurt directed to you. 5. Take responsibility. You did it! 6. Control your anger. You caused the problems you are having and must deal with the consequences. 7. Become an active listener to try to fully understand the emotional hurt and pain you have caused…These are very difficult things for an individual to do and sadly the result is often failure or both spouses living in a very unhappy or mediocre marriage. You absolutely do not want either of those results. The above suggested actions are necessary if you desire to return to a loving and caring relationship. For emphasis, the damage is sadly often such that the marriage cannot be saved. It also is true that even in relationships that are saved, the passion, understanding, intimacy, loving, and general happiness are often never again fully achieved. With that said, you can be successful in rekindling your relationship if both spouses desire a loving marriage to continue and total honesty and sincere remorse are fully demonstrated to the betrayed spouse.

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WHY SPOUSES HAVE EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIRS

Let us define an affair as when a spouse/partner has a strong emotional and/or physical relationship with a person outside of the marriage/relationship. Whether blatant or hidden until found out,it is devastating to the other spouse/partner. The duration and intensity of the relationship are factors that relate to the possibility of healing and a couple staying together. Numbers are impossible to know for sure since many if not most persons do not admit they are or have had affairs. The AMERICAN ASSOCIATION FOR MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPY says surveys show percentages having extra-marital affairs are 25% for men and 15% for women. Reasons given for affairs would include the following: 1. lack of sexual satisfaction. 2. lack of sexual activity. 3. desire for sexual and/or emotional satisfaction. 4. desires multiple sexual encounters. 5.obsessive-compulsive sexual behavior.  6. lack of love with spouse. 7. desire for ego-enhancement. 8. curiosity. 9. risk-taking. 10. poor judgment.  11. lack of moral compass/conscience. 12. revenge. 13. anger…An amazing thing I have seen in my work of many years with couples is how often spouses will have extramarital affairs and never try to resolve possible underlying issues in their relationships at home. That is not an excuse but a very surprising element of many extramarital affairs.

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HELP STOP PREDICTABLE INCREASES IN SUICIDE WITH MASSIVE UNEMPLOYMENT AND DISLOCATION IN THE LIVES OF INDIVIDUALS AND FAMILIES DURING THE CORONAVIRUS CRISIS

A predictable  consequence of unemployment is an increase in suicides. A chilling prediction is that massive unemployment will cause far more suicides than deaths from the Coronavirus  itself. The  isolation many unemployed persons experience who live alone or in mentally unstable homes can  lead to far more suicides. Even though suicide is a very personal decision and one that often cannot be stopped  from occurring even with the greatest of caring and love of involved persons,that is no reason not to try to help persons who believe their lives and themselves are so horrible and hopeless that they choose to end their lives. What can we do? If we are aware of someone suffering due to hardships and depression from losing their jobs and the resulting loss of income, job status,loss of self-esteem and/or living in a toxic environment with no reprieve, we need as caring human beings to try to let the persons know they are loved, things will improve, they are not a burden, we enjoy that they are alive on earth and that you were always be there if they need any support. A haunting quotation from Robin Williams will save you from reading many thousands of words on suicide: “All it takes is a beautiful false smile to hide an injured soul and they will never notice how broken you really are.”

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THE NEED FOR DOMESTIC TRANQUILITY IN HOMES DURING THE QUARANTINE DUE TO THE CORONAVIRUS

An unintended negative consequence of our current quarantine is family/child/spousal emotional and/or physical abuse. To ignore these potential problems is doing a great disservice to the emotional and physical needs of many of our societal family members. We need to be promoting that family members in homes be tolerant and work on good communication during these times when everyone is forced to live in often small living quarters. Even the most tolerant of persons can become frustrated when interacting with persons and feeling a lack of space and understanding. I am finding in persons I talk to, even if from stable homes, that it can be frustrating to be living with a lot of people in the home all the time. We all need to be supportive of our family members and friends we fear may be having turmoil at home. Since we currently cannot visit persons in other homes, this needs to be done by phone, FaceTime, Duo, Zoom or whatever means you use to communicate with others. It also is important for persons to know in need of therapy that during this crisis most insurance companies are allowing sessions to be offered without physically coming into offices. Even though, and hopefully will not happen often, calling 911 will be necessary when there is physical violence in the home. A safe plan is necessary to leave the home if there is fear of violence. I am aware that in most homes people will be able to weather the crisis and move on to a time when the Coronavirus is nothing but a bad memory. I simply want to make a point of the problems that are occurring, hopefully not in enormous frequency, and to be supportive as best we can to persons that are living in difficult and even dangerous situations. 

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A CELEBRATION OF SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGES

My wife and I celebrated our 45th wedding anniversary on Sunday in our home with pizza from Boston’s Pizza because of the Coronavirus. We will never forget this anniversary!  For a change of pace from our recent segments on the Coronavirus, Dave and I discuss – A CELEBRATION OF SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGES.  Key elements of successful marriages would include many of the following characteristics: 1. gratitude for each other. 2. mutual respect. 3. enhance the self-esteem of each other. 4. build a lifetime of wonderful experiences and memories with each other. 5. healthy intimacy. 6.be constructively critical in a productive manner.  7. staying together is always the goal when there are solvable problems. 8. accept individual differences of opinion. to disagree is okay. 9. grow as a couple in common interests and goals as the years accumulate. 10. have honest and open conversations. 11. be happy with life and not be sad by focusing on what you do not have. 12. practice forgiveness with each other. 13.further develop your spirituality or moral code over the course of the relationship…A loving and enduring marriage is a blessing and something to celebrate. This is not said in anyway to demean single or divorced persons who also make great contributions to our society.

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KEEPING YOUR SANITY AND PATIENCE DURING THE CORONAVIRUS CRISIS IN YOUR HOME/APARTMENT

1.Work on tolerance and patience for those around you. 2.Begin learning a new language or skill set. 3.Further develop your spiritual/moral self. 4.Watch movies,youtube and TV programs that  bring you joy and satisfaction. 5.Start a journal to leave a permanent record of what you were doing and thinking during the CORONAVIRUS CRISIS. 6.Learn the rules to games you may want to learn that you never learned. 7.Listen to music that is both uplifting and enjoyable. 8.Calm yourself with some combination of meditation,self-hypnosis,relaxation,deep breathing,yoga and pilates. 9.Call family and friends,old and new,to be uplifting for you and them. 10.Moderately  play computer and non-computer games. 11.Use the internet to find things of interest to help with potential boredom. 12.Read that book you were going to read or reread right now. 13.Family projects. 14.Do whatever is helpful to you during  this difficult period.

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PROBLEMS THAT CAN OCCUR IN THE HOME DURING THE CORONAVIRUS CRISIS

We have learned in times of crisis that spousal abuse,child abuse,drug abuse and suicide will rise. Family members need to understand these potential problem areas and work as a team to overcome them. Tolerance;understanding and planning are critical.by spouses as a crucial starting point so both of them and by extension their children can live with peace and loving security in difficult times like we are in now. Single parents have the great burden of keeping themselves in good mental health in order to help their children best adapt to a time they may be in fear,not in school and away from many of their friends and even family members. At a general helpful level,all of us can try to be kind and do acts of kindness for those we know are having a hard time. From a positive perspective,,this period of family members being together for extended periods of time can lead to bonding they have not experienced recently or maybe never.

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INOCULATE YOURSELF FROM “EMOTIONALLY CONTAGIOUS VIRUSES

As those of us in the United States and around the world are fighting against the highly contagious Coronavirus, we also need to take safety measures to protect ourselves from “emotionally contagious viruses”. From our earliest days of life we have been impacted strongly by the people and circumstances of our environment.  We in effect all receive and give emotions by simply living our lives and interacting with others. The power of modeling is so underestimated for the power it has over all of us to various degrees all our lives. Social media has added a whole new dimension to picking up and giving strong emotions to others.  We actually learn from observing others how to behave. Like the old adage, WHEN IN ROME DO AS THE ROMANS DO. This can be positive or negative. Anger is an emotion heavily influenced by observing other persons and learning that it can be effective at least in the short run. Expressing love and affection are further examples of what others have modeled and we learned to understand and effectively express. It is evident we tend to be happy and more satisfied when around positive persons as compared to when we are with negative and sad persons. The key to not getting an “emotionally contagious virus” is to be as positive as we can be and stay away from persons who are negative and toxic to our happiness. The more we can be content with who we are will positively impact on our ability to not be impacted negatively by those who are negative and destructive to us emotionally.

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HOW TO OVERCOME SIBLING RIVALRY AND CONFLICTS GROWING UP THAT EXTEND INTO ADULTHOOD.

We all remember sibling issues in our homes or in those of relatives or friends. That they extend into adulthood and often for life is actually quite common. That often neither person has a desire to rectify the problem is unfortunate. A relatively large number of my clients and even friends report significant sibling issues. Common issues are as follows:  1.Control. 2.Bullying verbally and/or physically. 3.Sibling(s) unwilling to relinquish old roles. 4.Preferred or favored. 5.Manipulative. 6.Liar. 7.Brat. 8.Financial and/or inheritance…Ways a sibling can try to overcome these problem areas on the possible road to a good sibling relationship would include the following: 1.Reach out and start a positive dialogue. 2.Apologize for whatever your sibling believes you have done. You can do this even if you do not fully believe you are in the wrong. 3.Accept differences. 4.Focus on similarities and common ground. 5.Reminisce on mutually positive memories. 6.Build new memories for hopefully a positive sibling relationship for the rest of your lives…Be aware your attempt to repair a damaged sibling relationship may not be successful. If you feel the reward of a positive sibling relationship is worth it,then give it a try.

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WAYS TO GET MORE JOY OUT OF EVERYDAY SEEMINGLY COMMON EVENTS IN YOUR LIFE

An unfortunate aspect of everyday life is that too many of us do not get joy out of many seemingly common events that make it up. We just pass them by and do not enjoy them.  The following are some things to do to get more joy out of your day in small segments:  1.SLOW DOWN AND SMELL THE COFFEE is a good explanation of enjoying life and not rushing through it. 2.To stop for a moment more to smell the coffee or the fragrance of a rose are better examples of our topic today.3.It is the relishing and extending positive things you encounter and not just pass over them. 4.Add some seconds or more of joy to small segments of each day. 5.At a thinking level,relish positive thoughts that come into your mind for more than a brief second. 6.On negative thoughts,kick them out as soon as you can. 7.A further positive thing to do is replace a negative thought with a positive one and enjoy it…The overall goal is to add joy to our lives daily as we relish positive things and thoughts in our everyday lives and spend little time on negative ones.

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FEARS THAT STOP PEOPLE FROM FULFILLING THEIR GOALS AND DREAMS

Fears that stop people from fulfilling their goals and dreams would include the following:  1.Feelings of inadequacy. 2.Fear of change. 3.Fear of failure. 4.Indecisiveness. 5.”The Imposter Phenomenon”. 6.Fear of uncertainty. 7.Fear of rejection. 8.Fear of being lonely. 9.Fear of never being prepared leads to no upward movement in life…A key to success in life in not letting fears overtake us emotionally and not allow us to fulfill our goals and dreams. We can never get back a day we have wasted. CARPE DIEM—SEIZE THE DAY! 

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WHAT MAKES UP UP THE GOOD LIFE

Obviously,each person would have different views. Cicero,the great Roman orator,writer and politician believed the good life was comprised of an equal mix of contentment and virtue. While some might say power,wealth and attractiveness would lead to the good life,I believe some combination of the following would lead to the good life. 1.TOLERANT OUTLOOK WITH SELF AND OTHERS. 2.PUT SELF IN SHOES OF OTHERS. 3.ENJOYS LIFE BUT TEMPERATE IN HABITS AND BEHAVIORS. 4.REALIZES THERE CAN BE TWO OR MORE DIFFERENT BUT LEGITIMATE VIEWS. 5.STRONG SPIRITUAL BELIEFS. 6.RECOGNIZING RIGHT FROM WRONG AND ATTEMPTING TO DO RIGHT. 7.TREAT  OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE THEM TREAT YOU. 8.RECOGNIZE YOUR GIFTS AND ABILITIES ARE TO BE USED TO HELP YOU AND OTHERS. 9.LOVE YOURSELF AS WELL AS OTHERS. 10.ALWAYS BE GRATEFUL TO THOSE WHO HAVE HELPED YOU IN YOUR LIVES. 10.A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR UNDER ALL CIRCUMSTANCES.

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STRATEGIES TO OVERCOME THE TOXIC EFFECTS OF AN ABUSIVE AND TOXIC PARENT

here are few things worse than being a child of a punitive,hypercritical, unloving, domineering, self-absorbed, threatening, and even physically abusive parent.  Outcomes to the human psyche are very painful and are often present the rest of the person’s life. Unfortunately,outcomes include boundary problems, low self-esteem, lack of love for self,bending to what others want,attachment issues, high anxiety,severe depression and an inability to develop equal 50-50 relationships. Strategies to overcome the toxic effects of a toxic parent would include the following:  1.Develop a strong spiritual sense of appropriate self-love and self-respect. 2.Replace  negative thoughts with positive ones.  3.Recognize self as a strong person not willing to allow the parental bully from the past to still bully you.  4.Conduct  a burial for all the negative views of self resulting from the bad or even evil  behaviors of the psychologically destructive bully parent. 5.Conduct a ritual washing of your hands or hair in a matter symbolic of ending the bully influences from the past in your current life.  It is a present-day washing similar to Pontius Pilate to not be willing to accept  responsibility for the despicable bully tactics of a toxic parent in the past.  6.  Write out feelings on an ongoing basis  to desensitize you to the abuse you suffered and a recognition of how small and even evil a parent was who would bully and abuse you as a child…I will personally say it is hard to imagine how a parent can abuse a child. The mere thought of a parent abusing  an innocent child brought into the world who deserved love and protection is to often a sad reality Fortunately,many brave persons do overcome the effects of a childhood toxic parent to enjoy the present with great hopes for the future.

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STAGES OF SUCCESSFUL AND UNSUCCESSFUL MARRIAGES/RELATIONSHIPS

I have done couples therapy since the seventies. Names and faces have changed,but the stages of successful and unsuccessful marriages have not. Stage one is the period the partners fall in love and commit to each other for a lifetime. This is generally an exciting and loving time where each finds the best in each other and each shows their best sides. Stage two is when each realizes the differences they have that cause friction and recognize the need to clearly define them and learn to compromise and overcome them. Stage three reflects how successful they have been in resolving their differences in a way their love matures and lasts a lifetime. If this does not occur,the relationship at best will be very difficult for each of them. At worst,the relationship will end in divorce with feelings of anger,rage,frustration,indifference,distrust,betrayal or some combination of them. 

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MAKE MACRO/MAJOR LIFE CHANGES FOR 2020 TO ENHANCE YOUR LIFE.

Rather than the typical New Year’s Resolutions at a micro level that often are quickly discarded,Dr. Braccio suggests making major macro changes that can positively alter the course of one’s life. Macro changes would include tolerance,healthy love of self,intentionality of behaviors,geographical changes,employment changes,spiritual growth,better treatment of others,learning how to better love,learn how to be a better friend,and other positive changes that can enhance you as a human being. The goal is for each person to sincerely attempt to examine self to find possible macro changes and act on them. Dr. Braccio relates how yearly retreats in high school at Grand Rapids Catholic Central were helpful to him. In a quiet environment,except for talks by priests,we were to examine ourselves and see how we could improve spiritually and personally. Even though you may add a spiritual component,my focus here is more of a secular outlook.

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THE IMPACT OF A MISCARRIAGE ON THE MALE

Dr. John Braccio and Dave Akerly discuss on 1320 WILS AM- It is safe to say there is not enough discussion in our society on the impact of a miscarriage on a woman. Even more so it is true with a man. Men also feel horrible about the miscarriage as do women. Men often must subsume their feelings in support of their partners  who have had the miscarriage and all the accompanying psychological and physical effects.  Their success varies in each situation and it depends on the level of understanding and communication that exists between them. The key is to focus on the present painful feelings in a process to improve them. Sadly,men too often do not work to psychologically overcome their own wounded feelings and related potential psychological problems. These would include: 1.Not discussing the impact of the miscarriage. 2.Focusing on the needs of the partner and not self which can be as painful and life disrupting. 3.Not knowing how to talk to the partner in an appropriate manner. 4.Others will talk to him about how to help the partner and  not him. 5.Does not seek out professional help. 6.Does not  communicate with partner about the feelings he may have to not always discussing the miscarriage in an open,honest and sensitive manner.  7.Not able to understand their own overwhelming feelings of depression,guilt and anger by trying to ignore and/or suppress them with activities and any other thoughts.  8.Substance abuse is also a potential problem…As a psychologist for many years,I have worked with many individual men devastated by a miscarriage.

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THE IMPORTANCE OF CHRISTIAN TRADITIONS FOR CHRISTIANS

An important note is that religious traditions are important to all religious groups. The reason for focusing on Christians is that December 25th is a national holiday that many millions of Americans celebrate now and have since before the founding of the country. Christian traditions develop strong relational bonds between persons of all ages. In a world with increasing isolation for many persons, building Christian family traditions can be a bridge to a better sense of belonging with an important and loving group. For Christians, Christmas is the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ. Celebrating his birth includes such things as wreaths, nativity scenes, Christmas Trees, gifts, special foods, family get-togethers, caroling , religious ceremonies, nativity scenes, and yes, the Hallmark Channel Movies on Christmas. For one example of the importance and longevity of these traditions, my wife has spent all 70 Christmas Eves of her life celebrating them with ever-changing and developing family members over the generations as people die and are born. She spent her first 17 years in Cuba raised by a Cuban mother and a Spanish father. She brought her Christmas traditions with her and we continue them with our children and grandchildren. Her traditions are essentially the same as I experienced with an Italian-born father. Christians believe with faith that those that live now will eventually meet and spend eternity with family members no longer here. These beliefs are cemented in the traditions of  Christmas and other great Christian holidays. The birth of Christ is the never-ending birth of Christianity and the resulting traditions.

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EMOTIONAL TRAUMA PERSONS OFTEN EXPERIENCE WITH LONG TERM CHRONIC PAIN AND/OR CHRONIC ILLNESS

For years we have done psychological evaluations with persons with long term chronic pain who desire the Spinal Cord Stimulator to try to get relief from the ongoing terrible pain. Anyone who has chronic pain and/or chronic illness will relate how horrible and debilitating it is 24/7. The effects also negatively impact on loved ones and caretakers. The following are representative of the emotional trauma persons with chronic pain and/or chronic illness experience over time: 1.DIFFICULTIES WITH APPROPRIATE DIAGNOSIS. 2. BELIEF IN RECOVERY IN SPITE OF LONG TERM SIGNS THIS WILL NOT OCCUR. 3. ONGOING EMOTIONAL AGONY OF BOTH CERTAINTY AND UNCERTAINTY. 4. SEVERE DEPRESSION AND EVEN DESPAIR. 5.SUBSTANCE ABUSE AND/OR ADDICTION. 6.SUICIDE IDEATION AND EVEN SUICIDE. 7.REASONABLE ACCEPTANCE AND TRYING TO FIND EFFECTIVE COPING MECHANISMS…I salute the many persons who daily fight and succeed in the very difficult battle of chronic pain and/or chronic illness. I also salute their loved ones and caretakers. 

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DO NOT DESTROY THE SELF-IMAGE OF YOUR CHILDREN

Parents too often damage the self-image with no intention while others sadly seem to enjoy it. Regardless of motive, the following are some things not to do with your children: 1.Demand perfection. 2.Constant criticism. 3. Making too many of their age-appropriate decisions. 4. Harping on past perceived shortcomings. 5.Physical hitting. 6.Constant yelling. 7.Constant negative comparison with others. 8.Inappropriate praise. 9. Forcing them to make inappropriate for their age decisions. 10.Sarcasm, cutting, and demeaning statements…As parents, we must do all we can do to foster good self-image for them to best have a chance for a successful and happy life