Question

Dr.Braccio: I’m very konya merkez escort kızlar frustrated. I’m trying to raise two pre-adolescent teens, work and maintain a relationship. For the second time in a row over a four year period, I’ve been left by a significant other who claims my kids are such a priority to me that there is little time for us. The last one even said my work was a higher priority than him. My problem is that I must work and my kids without a doubt are my number one priority. I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect me to not be as involved in the children’s lives as much as possible. One of them was a weekend father and the last one had no children. Even though each liked my children and said they wanted to be a major part of their lives, neither felt close enough to want to stay with us. What can I do? I feel deserted and the kids again feel hurt and abandoned. They both came in and got close to the kids. Then they just left.

Answer

This is an unfortunate situation. It appears you simply have had some combination of bad luck and making poor choices. While not excusing their brutish behavior, you may not be able to give enough of yourself in a relationship that your significant other feels attached to you and the children. Perhaps your potential partners assumed that you offered more emotional resources and availability than were realistically accessible.

That they came into your lives saying they were ready to be part of the family, became involved with the children and then just left because of them is unconscionable and just plain wrong. You also must be very cautious in believing such statements from perspective significant others. To protect your children and give them more faith in your choices, you could date someone causally prior to their involvement with your children.

You might try to date a man involved and in love with his children who would like to blend them with yours into a loving family. While not always easy to do, it could work.  You also might look for a man who wants to have a family and would love to join yours. There are many lonely and even very happy people that want to actively belong to a family.

To meet someone through church or school activities of your children might be a non-threatening and positive way to meet a potential significant other.  Even if difficult, you also need to look at yourself and see if you promise too much and push them out of your life by not focusing enough on the two of you. I agree with you that your children are your number one priority. It also is true these must be adult time with the significant other if the relationship is going to develop. In the best of relationships, there is a need for the persons to have time to discuss all important issues and grow together as they live the present into the future. In a sense, the success of a relationship in the future begins now.

You probably need time for you and the children to heal prior to entering into a new relationship. You must determine how much of yourself you can give and if that is enough to cement a relationship. Even if unlikely, your children and work may have become convenient excuses for you to not develop appropriate intimacy with a significant other.

You may find after soul searching that your work and parenting are such priorities that you choose not to date seriously and in effect firmly decide to raise your children as you desire and not have conflicting allocation of time pressures on you. To make your children your number one priority is a noble and important choice that is very good for them. You may find to focus on them until the youngest is out of high school is the least stressful choice and the most mentally healthy for all of you. If you decide not to do this, and even if you do, to seek out a therapist, minister and/or group that addresses your areas of concern to help you determine what truly caused the breakup of your relationships. This is said even though their entering the lives of you and the children and then just leaving was most inappropriate and damaging.

Whatever you decide to do now, your decisions must eliminate as much as possible that your children will ever again feel hurt and abandoned. All three of you have been hurt enough. Let the healing process begin.

Question

Dr.Braccio: I’m quite escort bayan mersin upset and hurt. I’ve lost over 150 pounds in the past year and a half after having Bariatric Surgery. I was horribly obese and in horrible shape with diabetes, arthritis, high blood pressure and all kinds of other physical problems and discomfort. I couldn’t even tie my shoes and my joints ached all the time. After a lot of internal debate, I had the operation. Now I feel so much better physically and emotionally. From four shots, I only take one insulin shot a day. My problem is that a few co-workers make snide comments about the “kind of person” who has no discipline and needs surgery to lose weight. On top of that, my “fat” sister is telling everybody I did it to try to get a man. I did it for health and I’m tired of explaining this to her. I have found a good man to date and my sister seems angry and jealous about that. He tells me to ignore her. What can I do and why is this happening?

Answer

You need to not listen to the critics. Because you are a sensitive person, this will be hard for you to do; however, that is the best solution. You did what you did because you felt it was the right thing to do for your health. The weight you have lost and your better physical and emotional health say it all. What more could you say? That you have found a “good man” to date is positive and everyone needs to be happy for you.

I would give you the same advice as your friend: Ignore your sister. You obviously cannot change her mind and you have no need to do it. Others will understand her motives. I would add your co-workers to the list. Why your co-workers are being negative could be jealousy, pettiness or they are mean spirited. That is their problem. Who would not rather be you than them? You are trying to improve yourself as a person and make yourself more healthy. They are not and are not your friends. To ignore them is the right thing to do. To one time tell them how you feel may make you feel better but most likely would not have much impact.

To be unfairly critical of others is a bad quality in sometimes even the best of persons. In this case, this lack of sensitivity by the petty critics reflects negativity on them and not you. This also occurs when people are jealous and angry. Your sister may be upset she lost her overweight sister. That you have found someone to date may be too much for her. That he is a “good man” may have really put her over the top. You also need to know that jealousy is as powerful as it is destructive and corrosive to the person who cannot control it. That is not your problem.

You need to focus on what you have accomplished rather than any outside negativity. It was brave of you to undertake the surgery and your current mental health and physical condition are a tribute to you. That you have found a “good man” to date is icing on the cake. Applaud yourself for doing something to improve your physical and mental health to advance yourself in life.

Question

Dr.Braccio: My husband silifke escort ilanları and I are happy in our second marriage. When we married three years ago, all of his and my children were out of the home. The problem is that my twenty-seven year old son literally fell into our home eight months ago and shows no signs of leaving. He is an alcoholic and lost his wife and job in Chicago. He’s now putting his life in order but my husband wants him on his own. He has been very supportive of my son but says eight months is enough. His two sisters agree and feel he should be on his own. I kind of agree but also feel I’m his mother and need to help him. I find myself having secret talks with him that I don’t tell my husband or other children about. I feel bad about this. My son makes good money but feels he would relapse if he were to leave. He goes to Alcoholics Anonymous regularly and is in therapy. What do you think?

Answer

I think it has been helpful that you took him in when his life was falling apart. But now it seems reasonable for him to move into his own place. You can still offer a steady helping hand to him, but that does not mean he should live indefinitely in your home. He needs to learn to fly again on his own.

Even though marriages can have complications, to expect your husband to accept your adult son living in your home without an end in sight is not reasonable. That he has a job, is getting help and can pay his own way is positive and should make his leaving much easier. You need to plan his leaving. The three of you need to sit down and discuss the situation. You and your husband need to be united. Your husband has been tolerant to have your adult son live with you for eight months.

Encourage your son to continue in treatment to help him with any relapse problems. While you must not underestimate the relapse possibility, your son must determine what he needs to do to best and eliminate any relapse problems. He seems to be getting appropriate treatment.

You need to stop your “secret meetings’ with your son. This makes you more co-dependent in a negative way and is not healthy for the marriage. You two need to work as a team.

It is positive he goes to Alcoholics Anonymous and is in therapy. They need to be his primary support and not you.

It is possible your son is afraid to be on his own. He needs to know that when he needs support, that he can call you and spend time with you on a regular basis. With that said, his calls should only come when they are needed and not to make you worry and make each of you more co-dependent on each other.

If not already, you can do some research on alcohol addiction and also go to Alanon meetings to make you comfortable with any decision you make and the resulting follow up.

There are times in life that in spite of our limitless love for our children that we must let them go to solve their own problems. With continued emotional support from the two of you, I believe you can do this. The time to let him go is now and make your focus your marriage.

You may find you need counseling to help deal with this difficult situation.

Question 

Dr.Braccio:  We are finding out our ten year old son kocasinan escort bayan lies.  We knew he told “fibs”, but did not want to admit it was a big problem.  But the school counselor called and says they have caught him in lies to avoid punishment at school and our neighbors say he lied to their faces about when they saw him destroy some flowers in their back yard.  He does not like to admit what he does, but we have told him he must be truthful from now on.  He cries and is blaming everyone else.  He’s a late child for us and we’re hurting.  What can we do?

Answer

Insisting on honesty is the correct policy.  Your son is old enough to understand the impact of his lies.  He clearly needs to know you do also.

Reinforcing your son during times when he does choose to be honest will be helpful.  Praise that choice and reward it.

Deal with the lies in a very straight forward way.  There are to be “no excuses”.  He is manipulating your adult world and those at the school and at the neighbors when he chooses to lie.  It may be well invested energy to investigate the behaviors he performs that stimulate the purported “need to lie” in the first place.  Are these destructive behaviors?  Is he cheating or hurting others?  Why does he perform those activities in the first place?

Sadly, there are few models in our children’s world of media exposure and often in their social environment that actively promote honesty as a value.  That places a strong emphasis for that formation on you, as parents.

Another strategy would be to temporarily limit your son’s “sphere of influence”.  He can understand that he can earn his privilege to spin out his freedoms as he proves himself to be trustworthy.

If you have a spiritual orientation you can enlist the support of a minister or priest.

As you implement your “zero tolerance” for lying, do not be surprised if he fights you harder than ever before.  He knows you have minimized his lies and called them “fibs”.  He is hoping you will go back to the old ways.  You must not let your heart interfere with your helping your son by insisting he tell the truth.  His self-esteem is in the balance for people tire quickly of liars.

The goal is for him to be known as a person of honor who tells the truth.  That is a reasonable goal and something to strive for.  Do not settle for less.

Why a Person Chooses Failure When Success Seems Like Such a Better Alternative? The following are a few reasons: 1.Too much effort. I will get by. 2.An absolute belief life is set up in such a way I cannot succeed so why silifke escort numaraları try. 3. Let others take care of me. I deserve it! 4. I deserve it in such an unfair country! 5. No risk of failure if I do not try. 6. I believe I am independent and will raise my children on my own! 7. I know no better and believe this is the way it ought to be! This is actually a big problem in our society where many preach THE AMERICAN DREAM is dead. It is dead if you accept it is true. The result is you consciously or unconsciously choose failure in your life.

Question

Dr.Braccio:  We’ve been married for seventeen years and I’m always in kocasinan escort hot water with my wife by forgetting her birthday, anniversary and every other important date.  I’ve told her to remind me but she says it’s my job.  She became particularly enraged a few weeks ago when I again forgot her fortieth birthday.  She became more enraged when I said she was overlooking all the good I do and was overreacting.  Our ten year old son told me to just do it and quit defending my forgetfulness.  We generally get along fine.  I treat her good and we love each other.  I don’t understand how little things like this can cause us so much trouble.  What should I do?

Answer

Some spouses do remind their spouses of important days so they will not forget them.  In your case, and your wife is clearly the norm; she wants you to remember important days in your lives.  It seems reasonable to do that.  Particularly when you two otherwise “generally get along fine” and “love each other”.  Your ten year-old son gives you good advice.   Key days to remember for your wife are your anniversary, her birthday, Mother’s Day, Valentine’s Day and Christmas.  Add to this list whatever is important to her.

For these days, you would do well to treat her as the most loved person in your life that she is.  Dinner, flowers, massages, poetry, words of love, books of love, and most importantly, showing feelings of true love will make your marriage, family life and mutual feelings of spousal love remarkably better.  A minimal investment in thoughtfulness will pay huge dividends in peace!

While some husbands and wives would say love is what you show by being a responsible spouse, and I would agree, a wise spouse knows that celebrating special dates and trying to maintain a special relationship at other times make for a much more intimate love and marriage.  It keeps the love in the marriage.

In a successful marriage, each spouse tries to hear what the other is saying and meet the needs of each other.  When each does this, then a good loving and intimate marriage is the result.  By becoming defensive about your forgetfulness, she felt de-valued.

Listen to her words, but more important, listen to her heart and meet her needs as they are. You are not “hearing” how important it is to your wife for you to remember key dates.  Do everything you can to remember them.  Even if unfortunate for both of you, her reaction has clearly caught your attention.

Because women tend to value relationships, mindfulness of her needs helps you to fulfill them.  This is normal.  In your wife’s eyes, mindfulness of her significant events is a part of how she feels meaningful to you versus being “taken for granted”. Which do you intend to communicate?

For now, even at this late date, and her initial reaction may not be positive, I would advise you to buy her a birthday present or get her flowers, chocolates or perfume.  Set the tone for the future.  Say you are sorry and mean it.

I would predict if you do this, your marriage will be much better.  By making your wife feel special and truly loved, she will treat you much better and both of you will be remarkably happier.

Question

Dr.Braccio:  I am a forty-nine karatay genç kızlar year old who married late and has two teenage children.  My concern is my memory.  I’m busier than ever, always running here and there and can’t seem to remember like I did before.  The problem is I need my memory more now than ever.  My doctor evaluated me and said I was fine and to just slow down and be healthy.  Nothing seems to help and my wife and children kid me when I lose my keys, cell phone or forgot a password to get into a system I may use a lot.  What’s wrong with me and can I improve my memory?

Answer

The first answer is that there is apparently nothing wrong with you except you are overextended and need to slow down and be healthy as your doctor said.  The second answer is that you can improve your memory.

Before you do anything, recognize you are constantly traveling on a speeding out of control treadmill that you must control.  One’s memory will always be poor when daily responsibilities are overwhelming.

There are various things you can do to improve your memory.  They would include the following:

1. Eat three balanced meals day.  Good memory requires a healthy and well-nourished    body/brain.  2.  Get enough rest.  Fatigue will blunt the best of memories.  3.  Write down passwords and remember where the book is you put them in.  4.  When not on you, have specific places you always put things you commonly forget.  Examples would be car keys always go in the basket on top of the refrigerator or the cell phone is always on or near the charger in your den.  5.  Appropriate use of vitamins and supplements.  6.  Eliminate or reduce alcohol consumption. Exercising.  7.  Learn to relax by deep breathing, self-hypnosis, yoga, medication, or any other techniques to help you relax and clear your mind.  One cannot think clearly when the short term   memory is cluttered with unimportant information and is under constant bombardment by   information coming from all directions.  8.  Slow down your life and take on a manageable work and life load.  As a minimum, learn to focus on one thing at a time.  To focus on too many things at one time means you will not be completing any of them or will complete them erratically.  As goes the famous quote, “One cannot serve two masters at one time”.  9.  Believe your efforts to improve your memory will succeed and it will occur.  10.  Try various techniques called mnemonics to improve your memory.  A few examples would be as follows:

A.  Associations.  Probably the most common relates to time change:  “Spring forward and Fall back”. B.  Pegs used to help you remember something.  For example, us  rhyming word pairs:   One with Ton, Two with Rule, Three with Tree.  Further examples could be with letters:  LSJ for Lansing State Journal, MPA for Michigan Psychological Association.  C.  A visual image in your mind of your uncle preparing and cooking Paella when you go shopping to buy ingredients to make the delicious Spanish meal.  This helps you remember what you must buy and how to make it.

If you try the above suggestions with confidence, you will see improvement in your memory.  You can even have fun at home and enlist the family in activities to improve the memories of everyone.  I know of cases where this has been done with much success.