lstart Blog

Help Child Learn to Solve Her Problems

QuestionJHB Third Picture

Dr.Braccio:  We have a ten year old daughter’s teacher met with us and said our daughter feels we mersin esc don’t listen to her.  She told her teacher that when she wants to talk about a problem, we change the topic, minimize her feelings, baby her or solve the problem without her involvement. The school counselor agrees.

Answer

You need to be patient and let your daughter get her feelings out in a way she can both fully express herself and begin to solve problems on her own.  Neither of you allow this to happen.  You need to go from “pushy” to “laid back” when she wants to share her feelings and problems.

Fortunately, with your desire to help her and using a strategy called “Active Listening”, you can help her right now.

When we use “Active Listening”, we let the person get all of her or his feelings out in a safe environment where the person fully says how she or he feels.  In this environment, concerns are raised and the person can problem-solve.  When parents do this, it is offering safe harbor to the child to problem-solve and express feelings.

This is NOT an example of “Active Listening”:

Daughter: “I feel bad about the way Judy treats me.”

Parent:      “The heck with her, ignore her.”

Daughter: “But I feel bad when she says mean things to me”.

Parent:      “Don’t feel that way.  She’s just being bad and the heck with her”.

Daughter: “But….”

Parent:      “But nothing, eat something and you’ll feel better.  Nobody can be mean to my little baby.  Give me a hug”.

As you can see, the parent is not listening to her concerns and is minimizing the problem situation, her feelings and no solutions can occur for her in this environment.  She will actually feel worse.

This IS an example of “Active Listening”:

Parent:       “How are you today?”

Daughter:  “Not good”.

Parent:       “You do seem upset.  What happened?”

Daughter:  “ My friend Judy said a mean thing to me”.

Parent:       “How do you feel about that?”

Daughter:  “I’m hurt and upset.”

Parent:       “So, you’re really upset?”

Daughter:   “Yes.  I don’t like that from a friend.”

Parent:        “What are you going to do?”

Daughter:   “I’m gonna call her tonight and talk to her and say how I feel.”

Parent:        “Do you think that will work?”

Daughter:   “I guess so.  That’s how we deal with things like this.”

Parent:        “Sounds like a good idea.”

Daughter:   “Thanks mom.”

With effective “Active Listening” the following occurs:

1.  The feelings of the child are validated and heard in a safe problem-solving environment.

2.  Parents do not distract the child from addressing the problem.

3.  Parents do not intervene unless there is a danger or unreasonable abuse of the child.

4.  The parent only gives advice and solutions when necessary.

It appears you two are ready to make some changes and help your daughter.  To keep in contact with the teacher and school counselor seems reasonable.

Any questions or comments would be appreciated.

braccioj Podcasts

Dr. Braccio Talks About How to Eliminate People Who Take Advantage of You on the “Tony Conley Radio Show” on 1320 a.m. in Lansing on 10/29/13

10-29-13JohnBraccio

Dr.Braccio talks to Tony on how to eliminate karatay escort people from your life when you help them and they are not there when you need them. Too many people who give too much must learn how to stop in effect being used by people they think that care for them. This is much harder to do than it seems.  Remember the “as thyself” in the wonderful biblical quote “Love Thy Neighbor as Thyself”.  Try to surround yourself where each nourishes each other personally and spiritually if so oriented.

 

 

lstart Blog

Resentment of ‘Takers’ is Justified

QuestionJHB Third Picture

Dr.Braccio:  With support from my husband, sister and God, the doctors tell me they believe I have karatay escort beaten colon cancer.  My concern is that my mother and one sister seemed so distant with me during the past year.  This also happened with a few friends.  The hurt came because I have always been there for all of them whenever there was a problem or a concern.  Even though my mother and sister are both immature selfish and I feel like the parent, I expected more from them.  But when I was in crisis, they were not only not there, but seemed to resent me for my severe health problem and my inability to console them on their issues.  Only one friend was honest enough to say she was used to me being a support to her and she had no emotional energy for me. A few unexpected persons out of the blue stepped up and helped me emotionally.  What’s wrong here and should I be upset?

Answer

The problem is that you gave too much emotionally to those who will not now reciprocate because they cannot or have no desire to do so.  You have every right to be upset.  When one gives so much as you have emotionally, it is only reasonable to assume others will give back when you are in need.  This would particularly be true with your mother and sister.  Apparently, their immaturity and selfishness are such that they chose to not be supportive to you during your crisis.  Some of your friends fit into this same category.

As painful and hurtful as this is to you emotionally, it is not that uncommon.  Too often, the world is divided into ”givers” and takers”.  You are a giver who has been surrounded by too many takers.  That this includes your own mother and sister must be particularly painful.  It also is true that a friendship is a like a wonderful and nourishing mirror where each person reflects understanding to the other.  Some of your relationships have not been true friendships.

It is fortunate you have spiritual beliefs.  They are so reinforcing and splendid in times of crisis.

A key concept for you in relationships is that you need to remember the wise statement that says you need to “love yourself” as well as “your neighbor”.  You have too often left “yourself” out of your relationships.  This is particularly true with people who will only take support but not give it back.

In the future, you need to determine who you want to be around.  A key standard would be to seek out persons with your capacity to reach out and help others. Then when you give, you know you are appreciated and the person will be there for you when needed.  You can begin this with the friends and family who stood by you during your ordeal as well as the persons who “stepped up and helped”.  They are like you and deserve your friendship.  Your husband and sister are good persons like you.

Any questions or comments would be appreciated.

lstart Blog

Love, Encouragement Will Benefit Troubled Teen

QuestionJHB Third Picture

Dr.Braccio:  My oldest silifke eskort ilanları son just turned 15 at the end of November and is in ninth grade.  School has always been an issue for him, but lately he is really struggling.  Right now, he is getting two Es, one C and one B. His last report card had two Es, one D and one C.  He also seems to have issues with anger and will just shut down when he’s upset.  He does see a counselor but is not all that receptive ‑‑ he feels there is nothing wrong.  I try to explain to him the importance of a good education and a high‑school diploma and college degree.  I tell him I’m willing (and I have) to sit down with him to help him with his homework, yet he brings home none, even though he is missing several assignments.  I can’t force him to do his homework and get good grades, but at the same time I’m afraid he will take the “wrong road” and end up who‑knows‑where.  I don’t want to see him fail ‑‑ I want him to be successful, which I also tell him!  Please help.  Any suggestions would be wonderful.

Answer

This is a difficult problem.  He is discouraged by school over a long period of time and is doing poorly.  His response has been to not try hard and just get by.  Even that is not working now that he is in high school and his grades are sliding.

His anger is probably related to his lack of success in school and the negative feedback he gets because of it.  He is in denial about his problem and says nothing is wrong.  That he will not bring homework home seems to mean he has accepted his poor academic performance and will only do what he can while at school.  He appears to have given up.

His anger shows the frustration he has with himself about school and probably other things in his life.  Life is difficult for a poor student who is having less and less success academically.  Even though he denies anything is wrong, his anger and attitude about school show this is not true.

The problem you have now is that his grades are such that he can flunk a grade.  This could lead to him quitting school when he is sixteen and that would be very sad in a time period when a high school diploma is a minimum for getting a relatively good job.

It will be difficult to change the attitude of your son .  The poor performance and lack of motivation is of long duration and getting worse.  Even though it is not going well, you are trying hard to help him and you cannot give up.

The following are some suggestions to help:

1.  Meet with school persons, including the school counselor, to get their ideas on what he can do to help him succeed in school.  This can make them more aware of him and hopefully give you ideas on how to better help him and give him more encouragement than he might normally get in the school environment.  Parental involvement is very positive and often leads to teachers, as busy as they might be, to give some special attention to someone who needs some extra support.

2.  Go to a center like Sylvan Learning Center and get more individualized and structured support to help him with his academic performance and to learn to believe in his ability to succeed.  At present he is defeated, angry and not willing to try.  This type of environment with success could turn your son in the right direction.

3.  Always encourage him to do his best.  Applaud every success and effort he makes.  Positive encouragement can help a lot.

4.  Obtain a full physical to determine if his academic problems could be related to a physical problem.

5.  Get your son a comprehensive psycho-educational assessment to determine if there are any specific learning disabilities.  This could potentially be done at the school or by a private practice psychologist experienced in educational assessments.

6.  Continue with the counseling if your son is willing to work on his problems.  If there is not a good rapport between him and his counselor, you may seek a new counselor.  This is said with the awareness the problem may be with the attitude of your son and not the bonding they have not developed.

It is important you be aware it will be very hard to help your son due to his negative ingrained attitude, anger and history of poor academic success over an extended period of time.  It is equally important for you to be aware change can come with continuing love and effort on your part and trying to implement some of the above suggestions.

Any questions or comments would be appreciated.

lstart Blog

Choose To Be A More Positive Person

QuestionJHB Third Picture

Dr.Braccio:  I find anger over time is seeping into my life karatay escort more and more.  I’m negative and so many things bother me.  My wife and mother, who lives with us, recently told me they’re sick of my negative attitude, fault finding and anger about everything.  I went to our adult son and his wife to talk about this.  They both agreed and said I need to loosen up, socialize more, seek the positive in life, quit fault finding and throw out the anger.  I talked to my boss and he thinks I’m both angry and depressed.  Everyone thinks I have a problem.  I do admit I’m not happy and can be a faultfinder and very negative person.  I would like to change and be happy.  What’s going on here and what should I do?

Answer

You are an angry and negative person.  These attitudes also make you depressed.  You can begin to change by being more optimistic and positive.  As the old saying goes, the optimist and pessimist have the same frequency of error, but the optimist is so much happier.  In the middle of the storm, the optimist imagines the glorious sun that will shortly shine forth or even the beautiful rainbow that can follow a storm.  The pessimist cannot enjoy a sparkling sunny day because he or she knows the clouds and rain are coming.

Remember that attitudes are choices we make about how to interpret our life.  One can see the rainstorm as preparing the earth for the wondrous corn that will grow so we can eat and live or as a nuisance to make us uncomfortable and unable to enjoy the day.

Even though your negative outlook will be hard to change, you can do it by making some changes in how you interpret things and your reaction to life.  For example, try to find something to compliment in someone you would normally find fault with.

Recognize that the important people in your life are all saying the same thing about you and you are not disagreeing.

Build on your desire “to change” and “be happy”.  Know you have the ability to do it and the job is half done.  Then always remind yourself of how unhappy you were the day you decided to change and enjoy every happy moment you have by being positive.

Communicate effectively and positively by listening to what others say and being sensitive to what is important to them and trying to understand their outlooks.  This can create tolerance by having you try to walk in the shoes of someone else.  All those around you will enjoy being with you.

Reach out to your mother, wife, son, daughter-in-law, boss and anyone else you are connected by love or friendship and ask them to help you as you change from an angry, faultfinding, negative and possibly depressed person to an open, sensitive, happy and understanding person.  Just the thought of what you will become can be seen as an exciting voyage.

You might consider a full physical to determine if part of your problem could be chemical.  If so, an antidepressant might be helpful in addition to the positive new approach you will take to your life and attitudes.

Any questions or comments would be appreciated.

lstart Blog

It’s Time To Stop Playing Old “Tapes”

QuestionJHB Third Picture

Dr.Braccio:  I’m always down on konya merkez bayan arkadaş myself.  It doesn’t matter what I do.  I wait for bad things to happen.  I try to be positive but keep believing people will figure me out and see I’m not as good as they think I am.  My husband and 15 and 18 year old children tell me to loosen up and enjoy life and my successes.  They believe the negative messages that my parents and grandmother gave me when I was growing up that I always had to try harder and nothing I did was good enough are the cause of my worries and anxiety.  It’s strange my children can see this and I can’t.  My parents still warn me not to get too confident because I could fail at any minute.  I’ve got a good job with the State of Michigan where I have made steady advances over the past twenty-five years, many friends, a good husband and two fine children.  What’s wrong with me?

Answer

I agree with your husband and children.  You cannot shake the early messages from your youth that whatever you did was not good enough.  There was a popular book written by Ciance Pauline some years ago called the “Imposter Phenomenon”.  It’s theme is that some persons, regardless of what success they achieve, never feel that they are doing well enough and people eventually find out their success is fake and they are imposters rather than the successful persons people thought they are.  This sounds like you.  In spite of your solid professional, social and family successes over a period of time, you feel you will be found out as an imposter and fail.

Do not let the old tapes from your youth control your present.  Constantly reinforce to yourself that you are successful in the major phases of your life and it will continue.  You have a good job, good friends, a good marriage and family.  You are a true success for all of us to stand up, take notice and congratulate.

That your parents are still giving you negative messages is a sad continuation of their unfortunate pattern of negative reinforcement.  You must see it as unacceptable to you and make appropriate efforts to end it.  You need to firmly let them know you are and always have been a successful person due to your hard efforts and it will continue.  Even though this is easier said than done, you need to give little credence to the negative messages of your parents.  Let them be burdened with their negativity and not you.

You can meet with your husband and children and say you want to learn how to be positive and see yourself in the same positive way as do others.  Ask them to keep encouraging you and remind you if the old negative tapes try to take hold.  They will on and off come back and you need to be on guard.

You seem like a very nice person.  You need to enjoy yourself, your family, your work and your friends.  Never forget that you deserve it as well as a happy life with recognition for how hard you work and your many successes.

lstart Blog

Child Isn’t Doomed To Mental Illness

QuestionJHB Third Picture

Dr. Braccio:  My husband and I come from dysfunctional families with a long list of chronic mental health problems.  In fact, a major reason we moved here was to have konya merkez genç kızlar a peaceful life way away from them.  We have done that but I’m worried about our thirteen year old daughter.  Except for some minimal anxiety and inattention, she’s doing well in life.  My concern is if she will develop severe personality problems.  My husband and friends tell me to quit worrying unless there are some problems.  The school principal tells me the same thing.  My husband also says we’ve overcome our dysfunctional homes and are doing fine.  What’s wrong with me?  Should I quit worrying?  What should I do?

Answer

You are a concerned mother.  Be proud of that.  Talk positively about how well she is doing and that you are so proud of her.   The problem is that your great concern could inadvertently and subtlety cause your daughter to believe she must develop problems and will. Let the self-fulfilling prophecy be one of hope versus “severe emotional problems”.

At a positive level, you yourself say “she’s doing well in life”.  Even though various mental health problems can have a physical basis, a positive and supportive environment can certainly decrease their effects on a person.  The fact you and your husband have separated yourselves from dysfunctional family members appears to be working due to the mental health success of both of you and your daughter.  The fact your husband states both of you have “overcome your dysfunctional homes” seems to show environment, and not physical problems, caused many of the problems in your homes when growing up.  A good environment can help your daughter be as effective of a person as possible.  That she is doing well at thirteen is most positive and bodes well for her future success as a human being.

Because of the “chronic mental health problems” in your families, it only makes sense to keep a close eye on how your daughter is doing.  Try not to be hyper-vigilant because this will only make her nervous and feel something must be wrong.  It would be like a person with a plane phobic passing this horrible condition onto the child by constantly focusing on the dangers of flying in front of the child.

Your excessive concern could be the result of you playing old tapes in your mind from when you were growing up that something was wrong with you and now must be wrong with your daughter.  Or you may harbor fears that you have not truly escaped the ravages of your own dysfunctional background.  Focus the energy of your concerns here, thus eliminating subtle negative influences on your daughter.  Throw that tape out and replace if with a tape that says, “My daughter is doing well.  My husband and I are also doing well and doing a great job raising our angel.”

As with any child, if you believe she is having observable problems, as necessary, bring in experts who can identify potential problems with remedies.  For now, enjoy your mentally healthy daughter.  She must be a delight for you.

Any questions or comments would be appreciated!

lstart Blog

20-Year-Old Needs a Firm Set of Rules

QuestionJHB Third Picture

Dr.Braccio:  I am a single mother with three daughters ages 13, konya merkez escort kızlar 17 and 20.  My two younger daughters get along well (with the usual sibling bickering) and when my 20 year old isn’t around, we have a quite cohesive home.  However, my 20 year old is a handful.  She just finished her second year of college and thankfully, obtained a job this summer that is almost full time.  The problem is that when she is home, she resorts to things that I think a 20 year old should be beyond.  She lies about the simplest of things, she breaks curfew by climbing out her bedroom window and staying out all night, she lies about who she’s been out with and where she is going, she lies to her co-workers about being kicked out of the house or being sick or injured and on and on.  When she’s not lying, she is taking her sister’s clothing and money.  First off, she has gained over fifty pounds this past year alone and can’t fit into any of her sister’s clothing so, when she does take it, she ruins the item.  I have tried to address this by stating that needs to respect other people’s property.  I ask her how she would feel if her sisters took her money or clothing.  Nothing seems to sink in.  She will stop for a few days and then start all over.  I am feeling like I failed her somehow.  Here she is 20 years old and I don’t trust her to be in my house by herself.  I don’t’ trust anything she says, and if something comes up missing, I immediately suspect her.  In addition, I’m so disappointed in her weight and the fact that she lied about what she has eaten when I know she’s eating the whole box of crackers that sits empty on the shelf.  I have tried to support her by getting her a summer membership to Weight Watchers and celebrating her small successes.  However, as soon as I do anything encouraging, it seems that she resorts back to overeating, lying, stealing and sneaking around.  I am at my wits end with his very immature 20 year old.  What am I doing wrong?

Answer

You are allowing an adult to cause great havoc in your home.  You need to determine how she will behave in your home and must be willing to make her leave if she will not follow the rules that you spell out.  The primary problem for you seems to be your inability to stop being the mother who must save her from herself.  For now, you obviously do not have that ability.  You need to begin by determining what standards of behavior are appropriate for you to have for her.  Her weight is not a reasonable condition for you to have in order for her to stay in your home.  Lying, stealing, taking clothes of her sisters and ruining them and not keeping a house curfew are reasons for her to not stay.  The lying and stealing are at the top of the list of what is unacceptable in your home.  Both are essential cornerstones in a good family relationship.  That she eats too much and is heavy is her problem and as one adult to another, I would suggest you not set it up as a condition to live in your home.

The following are what would help you again take control of your home.

1.  Determine exactly what the rules of the house will be for her.

2.  Make sure they basically relate to her lying, stealing, breaking curfew in a sneaky manner as well as stealing money from her sisters and taking their clothes without their permission.  That she destroys the clothes makes her behavior doubly bad.

3.  Clearly determine exactly what you will do if she breaks the rules.

4.  Never waver from what you threaten to do.

5.  Have a family meeting to put everything in the air.  Make sure she does not try to intimate you and take control.

6.  Let her know she must leave if certain behaviors continue. Make sure she is aware what they are and there is no doubt what will occur.

7.  Be committed to making her leave if the behaviors continue.  Do not make a threat if you will not follow through.

8.  Recognize you do not help her by allowing her totally unacceptable behaviors.  It also erodes the respect your other daughters have for you and further destroys the relationship they may have with her.

This will be very hard for you as it would be for most parents.  In spite of her outrageous behavior, you love her and want her to succeed.  But to have her so destructive and disrespectful of you and her sisters is unacceptable.  She also is a horrible example for her sisters to observe and be forced to live with.  You and they deserve a peaceful home.

The time is long past for this needed action on your part.  Because you love her and want her to succeed as a whole person and not just academically, you must do this for her as well as for you and your younger daughters.  The time to put your action plan in motion is now.

Any questions or comments would be appreciated.

lstart Blog

Emphasize Importance of Truthfulness

Question JHB Third Picture

Dr.Braccio:  My thirteen year old son has caused me and his grandmother, who silifke eskort ilanları lives with us and helps raise him, a lot of hurt lately with lying over stupid things.  He tries to minimize it by saying all kids lie to their parents and grandparents and we’re going overboard.  We may have reached him a few days ago when we were so mad and hurt that we cried and really gave it to him.  His grandmother said she looks after him when I work to make his life better and I work hard to give him a good life.  We both said we only want him to be truthful.  He now says he will.  We have no close family and it is basically the three of us.  We wonder what we can say to reinforce the importance of telling the truth.  Are we going overboard?

Answer

You are not going overboard.  A person’s word is critical to how others evaluate his or her quality as a human being.  No one respects a liar.  A liar cannot have a true friend.  Truth is critical to any type of meaningful relationship.  The more you can help him understand this the better.  That both of you had to cry and get so upset may have worked this time but most likely will not over time unless he continues to be committed to telling the truth.  Even if it is true that some children do lie to their parents and grandparents, it is still very inappropriate and you will not allow it.  Consequences for lying need to be determined and spelled out to him if his lying continues.

The following are some key concepts for you both to use with him.  You need to try to interject them in your day to day conversations.

1.  A minimal and critical standard in any important relationship is the truth.  There can be no compromise.

2.  It is morally wrong to lie from a right versus wrong outlook.  This is true from either a spiritual or secular perspective.

3.  Trust is a quality that must be earned over time through honest interactions.

4.  It is hurtful to those who care when someone lies to them.  Your situation is a good example.

5.  One’s self-esteem becomes battered over time when one becomes “a liar”.  Guilt and fear of getting caught will minimize the quality of one’s life.

6.  Good and bad habits are developed through repetition.  To become a liar is a habit never to develop and one to break if ever developed.

7.  Liars have bad reputations among good people.  Liars limit their interactions to only other liars and people with low standards for the behavior of others.

8.  Children that lie damage relationships with friends and family that leads to less benefits in the form of love, caring and respect.

Any questions or comments would be appreciated.

braccioj Podcasts

Speaking Psychologically 7-9-13

Dr. Braccio Talks on “The Drive With Jack Ebling”

Radio Show on 730 a.m. on 7/9/13

 

Dr.Braccio talks with Jack Ebling and Graham Couch about a bizarre sporting anamur escort kızlar murder in Brazil and the new book by Kirk Cousins.  The bizarre soccer incident in Brazil that is astonishingly over-the-top.  The referee stabbed and killed a player he expelled from the game after they got into a fight.  The enraged spectators invaded a football field, stoned the referee to death and quartered his body.  The spectators also decapitated the referee and stuck his head on a stake in the middle of the field.  Mob mentality ruled here.  For a comparison on problem solving in sports, they also discuss the book of Kirk Cousins, Game Changer, about how rational adults deal with great loss during sporting events.  They also discuss if there are more sociopaths in sports than in the general population.

 

lstart Blog

Grandparents Are Hurting, Not Helping

QuestionJHB Third Picture

Dr.Braccio:  I just heard you on the radio as a guest talking about ADD but was not able to call in konya merkez olgun bayan with a question.  I’m very upset with my parents.  Our hard working nine year old daughter has been diagnosed with both ADD and a Reading Disability.  She is a wonderful and sensitive girl who has taken a lot over the past few years due to her disabilities.  She has a tutor and we and the school work hard with her and she is doing fairly well.  What I’m mad about is that my parents say ADD is a bunch of bunk and our daughter is lazy and has no reading problem.  They have said this to us and we have ignored them but now we know they’ve been telling her this all the time when she is alone with them.  I guess my father is quite aggressive when he talks to her and tells her to shape up.  She was afraid to tell us and has been scared to be with them alone.  She cried last time we were going to drop her off.  We felt horrible when she told us what has been happening.  My husband is mad and is ready to confront them.  Our daughter is very intimidated by them and wants us to do nothing.  For now, my husband says he will do nothing but says something has to change.  To make things worse, an unmarried sister lives with my parents and has been saying the same thing.  I’m so mad but hate to start a big family fight.  My two sisters say they will not change and to ignore them and have my daughter do the same thing.  What do you think?

Answer

You need to say something.  This is a form of bullying.  Your daughter, though no fault of her own, has ADD and a reading disability.  She needs encouragement and support rather than psychological abuse, intimidation and bullying.

Even if your parents mean well, their approach is hurtful and destructive to her self-esteem.  Your daughter needs to know you are defending her and that she does not have to put up with bullying, regardless of the intent of your parents and sister.  It makes her feel insecure by their saying in effect she is the cause of her problems.  That is mean spirited, untrue and unfair.  She has already been through enough in her young life.

You need to emphatically tell them not only are they wrong but they are damaging the self-esteem of your wonderful daughter.  Let them know this is not acceptable and you will not allow it anymore.

To allow this to occur and ignore it would be poor parenting.  While I know persons unfortunately need to adapt to insensitive persons in life when it cannot be controlled, this is a controllable situation and must end.

Sadly, too many in our society criticize persons with disabilities because they do not understand them and choose to criticize rather than get educated.  Hopefully, your directness can help them see the truth and be helpful.  If not, they will suffer by not being an active part in the life of both of you and their wonderful granddaughter or niece.

At a level she can understand, you can tell your daughter she does not have to put up with this type of behavior.  Explain her disabilities to her if you have not.  She needs to know they are real, not her fault and that she with effort and support can be successful and happy in life.

Any questions or comments would be appreciated!

braccioj Podcasts

Speaking Psychologically 6-25-13

Dr. Braccio Talks on “The Drive With Jack Ebling”

Radio Show on 730 a.m. on 6/25/13

 

 

 

Dr.Braccio talks to Jack Ebling and Graham Couch about his view that the Big Ten Channel and commissioner Delaney have it all wrong by the obsession with promoting Ohio State University and the University of Michigan football versus the Big Ten Championship Game and not karatay escort trying to upgrade the middle Big Ten Teams to improve the overall conference to be able to compete with the SEC.  The aging Delaney’s obsession also overlooks the fact Ohio State University has beaten the University of Michigan ten of the past twelve years, Wisconsin has won the Big Ten championship the past three years and each year has gone to the Rose Bowl, the University of Michigan has not won a Big Ten Football title since 2003 and surprisingly, Michigan State University has the most Big Ten Wins in the past five years.

 

Dr. Braccio also talks about the tremendous despair that must have come over the players and fans of the Boston Bruins when two goals were scored in mere seconds at the end of third period and watching in horror as the Chicago Black Hawks won the game and the Stanley Cup.  He discusses the difference between being beaten or beating yourself in big games.  There also is discussion about it if it worse to be beaten by lot or lose a close game.

 

When asked who he believes has had this greatest impact in Michigan on a program either pro or college, Dr. Braccio chose Biggie Munn even though he said a case could be made for others.  Coach Munn was exceptionally successful as a coach between the years of 1947-1953.  He won three national championships in football, ushered MSU into the Big Ten and chose the successful and exceptionally popular Duffy Daugherty as his successor as football coach as he became athletic director.  For comparison, The University of Michigan has only won a share of one National Championship since 1950.DrJohnBraccioSr_6-25-13

lstart Blog

Parents Need to Curb Sibling Rivalry Now

QuestionJHB Third Picture

Dr.Braccio:  Our 11 and 12 year olds konya merkez kadın numaraları fight all the time.  They have always been competitive, but now it seems even worse.  We’ve tried to ignore them as much as possible and say boys will be boys, but now they’re really getting angry with each other and fighting physically.  We’ve intervened and told them to back it off.  It’s not working.  We feel we’re failing as parents. What’s going on?  What can we do to stop it?

Answer

Your children have a strong case of “sibling rivalry” that is going too far and needs to be controlled.  The key thing is to gain perspective to better help you change their behaviors.

Arguing and competing with each other is a normal part of sibling human development.  Each of your sons is trying to develop his place in the family and most specifically with each other.  Even though as parents you must control their behaviors, it is something they must work out in a nondestructive manner.  With your direction, I am sure they can do it.

You are not failing as parents.  You will only fail if you do not set limits on their inappropriate behaviors and attitudes and enforce them.

The following are behaviors you cannot allow:

1.  Bitter interactions fueled by anger and sometimes rage.

2.  Threatening and intimidating statements to each other of a physical or violent nature.

3.  Physical fighting or other violent actions.

4.  Destructive and cruel teasing.  This includes demeaning and mocking statements.

5.  Constant bickering.

6.  Attempts to co-parent the other when you are disciplining one or the other.

These are suggestions to help you take control of the behaviors:

1.  Model civilized and caring interactions with yourselves as a couple and with your children.

2.  Determine jointly where the line will be drawn with their sibling rivalry.  Be aware competition and fighting for position are normal and you need to accept this and know they need to learn how to problem solve on their own.  You can set up a healthy environment where this can take place.

3.  Family meetings to discuss sibling rivalry and gather input from your children would be helpful.  As parents, you set the limits on their behaviors and set up specific consequences if they break the rules.  To get agreement from them on what is appropriate behavior and consequences when they are broken would be helpful but good parenting demands you make the ultimate decisions to have reasonable sibling rivalry.  They need to know the choice is to be civil or lose their privileges.

4.  Applaud good interaction and problem solving between them.  This may be the best way to get the behaviors you desire.  Most people are motivated when we notice and praise good things about them.

I believe you will have good success if you are decisive and very clear cut with the behavioral expectations and consequences for inappropriate and destructive attitudes and behaviors.

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Don’t Cave in to Parenting Pressure

QuestionJHB Third Picture

Dr.Braccio:  It seems being old fashioned about kocasinan escort bayan parenting is a flaw to many.  My husband and I live in a home filled with love where our 14 and 15 year old sons are to let us know what they are doing, where they are and with whom.  They have a curfew of 9:00 p.m. during the week and at midnight on weekends.  After discussion with them, exceptions are made for school events and reasons we find reasonable.  They also have chores we expect them to complete.  To be good students is expected.  Our kids go along with most of this.  The problem is with friends of theirs who put pressure on them to push us to change.  It amazes us that various parents of their friends feel we are too rigid and need to open up.  Two parents have actually told us this.  Most of their friends do not have curfews and few expectations at home.  What do you think?  Are we too rigid?

Answer

I do not think you are “too rigid”.  In a world loaded with teenage disrespect, drug abuse, inappropriate sexual conduct, parental abdication of responsibility, and family chaos in many homes, the consistency you offer is critical to their chances for success in life now and in the future.  Behaviors and outlooks during these years will predictably continue in adulthood.

Parents must be consistent and fair in their parenting.  You appear to meet both standards.  That other parents and their children  think you are too strict is their opinion and nothing for you to worry about.  You also can find parents with far more restrictive curfews and rules than you have.  It is your responsibility to determine how to raise your children.

Too often parents cave in to the opinions of their children or others on parenting.  This is the deceptively easy thing to do and reduces much pressure in the short term.  The problem is that your parental standards become inconsistent, will always be challenged, and the end result too often is to lose control over your children through ineffective parenting.

An important aspect of parenting is to be flexible as a parent.  Rules that are written in stone and never can be discussed or adjusted can limit your options by not being able to make exceptions.  This does not appear to be a problem for you because you involve the children and do make exceptions for school events and other situations you feel are reasonable on an individual basis.  Their involvement in family expectations is always a good idea.

Human beings need structure in their lives.  This is particularly true with children in their teenage years.  With all the social pressures and physical changes occurring, it is important that the home and family be a center of love and consistency.  Do not back off from offering your children what you believe they need.  Continue to be effective parents.

When all is said and done, you need to parent in a manner you are comfortable.  Follow the dictates of your own heart and conscience.