Question

Dr.Braccio:  My husband unexpectedly died six months mersin esc ago.  Up until then, and we had been married nine years and have two boys aged seven and eight, his parents, older children of my husband and the rest of his family had nothing to do with me.  We decided to move a thousand miles away.  In fairness, we had an affair while he was married and everyone turned against him and hated me.  I accept this was wrong.  Now, his first wife just died in a freak accident and his father, who is healthy but 85, called and asked if we would consider meeting and trying to start being a part of the family.  He candidly told me they loved my husband’s first wife and were enraged at him and me for breaking up the family.  He said they believed with both of them dead, it was time to move on.  I have mixed feelings.  They are a prominent and good family, but I worry about how they will treat us.  What do you think?

Answer

To be part of the family of your late husband would be good for your children.  Do not allow their past resentment, that had nothing to do with them, keep your children from their grandparents and other family members.  This is said with the assumption the resentment they have had for you does not carry over to your children.  If this were to occur, then it is best not to get together.

If you do decide to let the past go and move on, do not let the fear of failure stop you.  Work on the assumption that past resentments can be overcome at least in relation to the grandchildren.  Your situation is far more complicated.  Obviously, their interest is in the grandchildren.  If you can accept this and you all try to start anew under these circumstances, then go for it.  The grandfather’s candor about the past and now the future is hopefully a good indication that good communication can occur.

At the risk of offending you, I suggest you accept why they have been angry at you and that it has been reasonable for them to defend and identify with the victim of the philandering.

You can begin by having some intensive phone conversations with the grandparents.  This may be painful, but the feelings and resentment need to come out prior to meeting.  Discussions must include how they will react to you and the children.

When you feel comfortable, if you do, I suggest you have them visit you and spend a weekend.  Depending on how you feel, you can have them stay with you or a hotel.  Once you decide to see them, you will need to prepare the children.  Let them know they have family they do not know and they will be meeting them.  Children their age will most likely ask few questions and will look forward to meeting them.

Question

Dr.Braccio:  I’m feeling karatay olgun bayan very defeated.  I’m a first year graduate student but my mother still controls me through guilt!  Of the three sisters, I’m the only one who can‘t break away.  She’s broken up two relationships of mine by putting what I see now as false doubts in my mind.  She now wants me to call her all the time so she won’t worry about me.  My sisters, even if lovingly, laugh at me and tell me it’s time to break away.  I want to but it would so hurt her feelings.  I know she loves me and will do anything for me.  What can I do?  This is harder than people seem to think it is.

ANSWER

Let me begin by agreeing “this is harder that people seem to think it is”.  Guilt mixed with genuine love is what causes so much conflict among otherwise loving and caring family persons. However, do not confuse “love” for dependency!

It is possible that your mother is undergoing a less-than-fortunate transition in her life.  One dynamic that could be affecting your relationship is the “empty-nest” syndrome.  The possibility of her losing her family parent/child patterns may feel very threatening to her.  This has clearly happened with your sisters.  That is her problem, not yours, unless you choose to continue as you are.

Obviously, this is not a harmonious and growing relationship for you.  Of primary importance is that you are allowing fear to control you.  It is shown in your projections about what might happen if you follow your own path through life“…it would so hurt her feelings”.  As for yourself, if you don’t change this pattern, will you not feel unhealthy, unhappy and unfulfilled?  What kind of a price are you paying for your mismanagement of your feelings and respect towards yourself and your mother?

It is critical for you to have the courage to enter into a sincere and honest dialog with your mother on this issue.  Do not compromise yourself.  Your mother is responsible for her feelings, not you. You have plenty of reasons to manage your emotional energies in a more wholesome way.  As you advance your growth in academic skills through your schooling, it is time to advance your emotional maturity through making loving choices to clearly establish and maintain your personal boundaries.  By all means, take every freedom to resist taking on any responsibilities for your mother’s feelings and resist feeling badly about your choice to become yourself.  This can lead to a much healthier relationship with your mother that will be far more fulfilling for both of you.  Even though difficult at first, I believe both of you will see this in the future.

Question

Dr.Braccio:  My seven karatay bayan escort year old son is afraid of anything new.  He wants everything very predictable.  He’s loving but gets very tense and upset if we want to do something new or even if I change our routine.  His first grade teacher says I need to teach him to explore new things and that he cannot be fearful of everything.  She says he’s always near her and seems to worry about everything.  I feel bad about this.  What’s the problem?  What can I do?  I’m a worrier too and have seen this in him as normal.  I know how bad this had been for me and I need to help him be different.

Answer

Your son is very fearful.  Fear is reasonable when there is danger and the body prepares itself for battle in the famous adrenalin driven “fight or flight” response to fear or danger.  In the case of your son, even if he has a biological tendency, the fears in him are learned behaviors.  He must learn when fear is appropriate and when it is not.  You need to teach him this.  This can best be done by changing yourself in the process.

It appears he has picked up your behaviors as you have modeled them.  It is the same as the way we pick up the language we speak or the English accent we pronounce.  Do not feel guilty for this.  You did not plan this problem for either of you and now is the time to make changes in both yourself and your son.  See it as an exciting “voyage” to make both of your lives happier and less stressful.

The following are some helpful things you can do:

1.  Explain to him over and over again that he must accept reasonable changes in life.  That change is the normal process and not something to fear.  It can be stressful, but change can make life exciting and an exploration of constantly new things.  Be kind but firm when doing this.

2.  Address each fear he has by talking to him as be expresses it and try to talk him out of it and help him successfully live the experience.  Gradually, he will do it himself.

3.  Constantly encourage him to try new things with “at a boy” statements.

4.  Even though he is young, explain at a seven year old level how you have been fearful and how it has caused you pain.  Let him know you will help him be less fearful and try the same with yourself.  Make it a team effort.

Question

Dr.Braccio:     I’m sick of my need for approval from everyone for all karatay escort I do.  It goes all the way back as far as I can remember.  Even though I never quit trying, I could never do things quite right for my parents.  There was always the fatal flaw.  My husband tells me to do what I feel comfortable with and not worry about what others think, but I want my parents, my husband, my young children, neighbors, co-workers and family to like me and approve of what I do.  I want to change but genuinely believe I must please people.  My husband has me worried I’ll pass this trait on to our two young children.  What should I do?  I’m wearing me and my husband out.

Answer

You need to quit seeking approval from others and seek it from within you.  Be kind and loving of yourself.  Accept and cherish you as the wonderful and caring person you are.  Even though they hopefully did not intend it, when your parents always found fault with you and you kept trying to please them, you became programmed to think what you did was wrong and you needed to get approval.  Sadly, you could never get it.  At best, it was a fleeting approval that you always worried would be pulled away from you when the “fatal flaw” was unveiled.  You have expanded this belief to many more people at this stage of your life.

At present, you have lost perspective on what are reasonable expectations for you and others in your interactions.  Even though it will be hard for you to change a lifetime of ingrained behaviors, you must do it.  Set a reasonable standard for you and not worry what others think.  You need freedom from your emotional prison of false needs for approval.  A caution is that people you have trained to treat you this way may not like the new you.  You must stand up to them and even drop them if they desire to control you emotionally.

Your inappropriate approval places you at the back of the bus in interactions with others and the end result is lowered self-esteem for you.  You basically say what you think is good and important only if validated by those who approve your actions.  You have no control over your feelings or priorities.

You want to be a good example for your children to best help them develop positive self-esteem. They cannot do this if they pick up your bad habits.  Use your voyage to change yourself as also having the goal of helping your children to develop their own personalities through good individual choices not developed by the fickle winds of the opinions of others.

Begin the change in you by talking to your husband and working out a plan to make you feel much better emotionally by taking control of your feelings, actions and decisions.  A pastor and/or therapist experienced in helping change persons in your situation could be supportive.  Be advised that the road to change will be difficult to navigate.  You need to never lose sight of your overall goal of good self-esteem and more control of yourself and how you feel.

Any questions or comments would be appreciated.

Question

Dr.Braccio:  I’m feeling very badly about how my husband and I have anamur bayan escort treated our son over the years.  Even though often frustrating, he’s well liked and a good hearted boy.  He’s 15 and has just recently been diagnosed with AD/HD.  We’ve always been so critical of him.  We always thought his being hyper and inattentive were the result of bad choices and a lack of self-control.  We now know we were unfair.  Our relationship with him has not been good and we feel bad about that.  We see how much better he’s doing with medication and trying new strategies to compensate for his AD/HD through awareness of his problem.  He’s reacting to us positively and seems happy with our contrite and more understanding attitude.  What do you think about this and what should we do?

 Answer

Even though late, it is fortunate you have found out about his AD/HD.  You now can begin to have a far better relationship armed with knowledge of his disorder.

It is never too late to discuss this issue honestly and sincerely with your son.  As parents, you obviously operated with the best information you had at the time.  It was inadequate, but now you have appropriate information and can make new choices on how you relate to one another.

It would be very healing for you and him to admit your responsibility for your parenting choices and how they became hurtful to him.  Even if your knowledge was faulty and you meant the best for him, it would be a significant gesture to apologize for your own inadvertent inattention to his needs.

That he is “reacting to you positively” shows the parental child relationship is still positive among the three of you.  In that he is a “good hearted boy” and has not developed acting out or socially inappropriate behaviors is a tribute to your parenting and him as a person.

Reaffirm to him that you are doing your best to change your perceptions, attitudes, and behaviors. Ask him to offer you that same courtesy.  This is a terrific opportunity for healing and positive transformation of your relationship.

The new relationships based on the new awareness and changes in him brought about by the medication, trying new compensation strategies for his AD/HD, his new outlook, and your new outlook may be difficult for all of you to assimilate for a while.  Do not be afraid.  Try to cement a new relationship and see it as a wondrous new opportunity for all of you.  The old relationship was based on faulty assumptions that led to misunderstandings and resulting poor relationships.

Question

JHB

Dr.Braccio:  My husband and I were talking about what we now konya merkez bayan arkadaş accept as our lifelong obsession with security.  Our parents, who were from the Great Depression Era, raised us this way.  We’ve always been cautious and have secure governmental jobs.  My husband did not play sports in high school out of fear he might get hurt and I always have been in the background so as not to be noticed.  Our older children are the same and both have relatively secure jobs.  Our unexpected thirteen year old, fifteen years younger than his sister and seventeen years younger than his brother, is a risk taker and has already worn us out with worry. He plays football, baseball and any other sport he can.  While we worry, we do realize he thrives on competition and seems to be happy, even if intense much of the time.  Unexpectedly, he has taught us that life offers more than security.  Even our older children, who also follow his athletic career, are amazed by him and how different he is from us.  We all follow his athletic career.  Even though late, how can we get more zip in our life and how can we not worry so much about him?

Answer

You have big questions.  To begin with, you have had successful lives and have eliminated much risk.  To have security in this unpredictable world is positive.  Your influence over your two older children is obvious because they are like you.  Your youngest son clearly beats to his own drum, and his drum beats to one of excitement and challenge.  With him around, this can be a good time to change and “get more zip” in your life.

An important thing to remember is that thinkers from Julius Caesar to modern day guru Dr. Wayne Dyer have said fear of the unknown causes more fear than what we can see.  To seek out the unknown and meet new challenges can be exhilarating if fear of the unknown does not stop us from trying new things.

In your own situation, look at life from a probability perspective.  For example, to spend money to buy a modest cottage may be a risk, but look at your financial situation and job security.  It would appear that after such a review, you would determine to buy the cottage if you so desired.  On the other hand, to quit your jobs and go to California to seek a more exciting 1960s life would not make sense without a lot of planning.

It is positive you are not seeing your son as “wrong” and trying to stifle his thriving on “competition” and being happy with the life he is living.  This is a compliment to the parenting of both of you.  While you need to teach him how to be stable, effective and balanced, his competitive life is positive for him and try to learn from him.  Recognize there are risks in what he does, but the positive excitement and achievement make them acceptable.  This outlook can reduce your worrying.

Enjoy his life with him and “go with the flow”.  This may be difficult after so many years of “Depression Era” thinking.  The key thing is to relax and get some excitement through some uncertainty that can keep the blood flowing.  Remember the excitement in the voice of Captain Kirk of Star Trek when he said he would “go where no man has gone before”.  Even if you are not ready to become Captain Kirk, go places emotionally and physically where you have not been before and you will “get more zip in you life.”  The unique factor is that your son can be your guide!

Any questions or comments would be appreciated!

Question

Dr.Braccio:  My nine and eleven konya merkez escort year old children are being very mean and unfair to me.  Their father and I divorced eight years ago.  He began dating even before we separated and the kids never complained.  For the first time, I have met a kind man at our church through our minister and am dating him.  He has no children and is very nice to my children.  They treat him horribly, do not want me to date him, and to add insult to injury, their father, who philandered on me, agrees with them and says I should date no one and just look after them!  I had it out with him and he’s threatening to quit seeing the kids even though he only spends a few days a month with them anyway.  What should I do?  I’m hurt, angry, and frustrated.

Answer

That your children do not want you to date and want you to themselves is common. That your ex-spouse has involved himself negatively and threatens not to see the children if you continue dating is outrageous and reflects horribly on his character.

There is a need for a balance between your needs and those of your children.  If your ex-spouse chooses not to see them if you date is inappropriate behavior on his part and your children will figure this out.

You can explain to your children why you will date and your life cannot be determined by his whims.  He apparently is trying to punish you or is not willing to fully let you go.  Either way, whether you date or not is none of his business unless you are being destructive to the children and you are not.  He has been destructive to them and his new threat, if carried out, would tragically be more of the same.

You need to sit down with your children and let them know you do not love them less because you need companionship and love from an adult partner.  Even if hard for them to accept, they must because this is the fair thing to do and part of their growing up.

Be sensitive when you talk to them but do not allow their unreasonableness to destroy your possibility for happiness.  Even though it may be hard for them to understand and accept in the short run, help them separate their reasonable fear of change from what is unreasonable.

To enlist the support of your minister could be very helpful because you met at the church, he knows both of you and you went out with him “through the minister”.  For him to lead the family in prayer could also be helpful.

An outside therapist trained in such a common but very delicate situation as yours could also be helpful.  You can also call the school counselor of each, if different, and enlist their support in this situation.