Category: Blog

QUESTION

Dr.Braccio; Our daughter kocasinan bayan numaraları will begin her senior year next year. We are very proud of her solid B average as an honors student. Our concern is that all of her friends are honor students who get straight As. She is happy but sometimes complains how many hours she studies. We have advised her to just do her best and not worry. She says she always wants to do better but is not overly critical of her performance. We worry about when her friends will all go off to prestigious schools and she will not. What do you think?

ANSWER

As you said, your daughter “is happy”. She gives every indication of being very successful in life. Getting straight As is wonderful and to be sought after, but success and happiness in life goes to the person who works hard, appreciates success, accepts what one can do, and does not give up. Your daughter is loaded with these qualities.

It is positive your daughter chooses to have friends who strive for academic success. Excellence for her is trying hard and doing her best. The important thing is for your daughter to not negatively compare her grades with others. She must compare her performance with herself and no one else. If she does this, and she apparently does, then happiness and success will be hers her whole lifetime.

Even if she does not get all As, competing with the best in honor classes and getting Bs is arguably better than getting As against less talented and/or committed students. Her hard work in classes will help her do well when going to college. It also is positive and mentally healthy that she “is not critical of her performance”.

If you feel the pressure of life is so heavy on her that her mental health is suffering, then you might talk to her about taking less competitive classes. This does not seem to be the case and it appears she desires to continue as she is. With that said, to keep monitoring her mental health is good parenting. You might feel better and get some good perspective by talking to the school counselor about this situation.

You need to always let her know how proud you are of her hard work and solid academic performance. Make sure your concerns, which might not be hers, do not become her concerns by being negatively influenced by you.

As far as college goes, I am sure she, with your support, will come up with an excellent choice. She may not go to Harvard, but she will predictably go to a fine school, have solid academic success, and have a fine life. She sounds like a delightful young person.

Considering she is taking honors classes and works so hard, you may be surprised the colleges she can go to. You can look into this yourself as well as get information from the high school counselor. Someone like your daughter, if she desires, may end up high on the list of some prestigious colleges.

As a final comment, your daughter, like all children, needs ongoing encouragement and support. Clearly, her desire to succeed is burning brightly for all to see. Be proud of her and your parenting. It is obvious good things are going on in your home.

Dr. Braccio has a fun talk With Jack Ebling and Graham Couch of the Lansing State Journal on “The Drive With Jack Ebling” Radio Show on 6/16/15 on the possible reasons Coach Meyer of Ohio State and Coach Harbaugh of U/M have praised the MSU Football Program.They also discuss the need for MSU to kocasinan olgun bayanlar keep a chip on the shoulder or keep the fire in the belly to continue MSU’s Winning Tradition. They also discuss why Coach Dantonio put the football score of the 2015 MSU/UM game of 35-11 on the Cotton Bowl Championship Ring. Was he rubbing it in?

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Question

Dr. Braccio:     My wife and I are the proud parents of two mature high school teenagers who are doing fine.Our problem is that my income is actually going down silifke eskort ilanları and our increasing costs are causing us to have a hard time financially. We decided years ago to not have my wife work so there is always one parent near. The success of the children convinces us we’ve made the right decision. Now we feel we must change and my wife needs to reenter the work place. She has kept her computer skills up and is marketable. She’s willing but I’m not sure if it’s a good idea. What should we do? I feel somewhat like a loser. My wife says this is not my fault and we’ll be fine.

Answer

You are not a loser and you will be fine. The success of the children and the marriage relate to the decision you both made many years ago. For many people, these are tough economic times. This is only enhanced when you have high school teenagers and something as basic as gas is over two dollars a gallon.

The problem is that your world has changed with your income going down and your expenses going up. That the children are older and mature and your wife is willing and able to work are positive factors if your wife goes back to work.

As a family, talk about what responsibilities each of you has. You need to divide up home responsibilities more effectively if your wife is to work. The children particularly need to know changes will occur. It seems they are mature enough to deal with this. Assuming your wife goes back to work, the next question is the amount of time she will work. Obviously, working part-time is better than full time as far as causing less home disruption. This may not be possible. The children may need to work more and pay more of their own expenses if they do not already.

Even though it is positive to plan for the future in your situation, you two can applaud the success you have had as a family over the years. To raise two mature teenagers doing fine in this day and age is very difficult. You two have done it. This will not change with your wife returning to work. You also need to know that millions of couples both work and are effective as parents and family members.

A positive way to look at this is simply that you wife will work a few years earlier than after the youngest graduates from high school. This is in effect just an earlier beginning of your post “empty nest syndrome” life.

As a final thought, you may find by reducing expenses or taking out a home equity loan or refinancing your home that you wife can stay home until your youngest is out of high school. However, you need to talk to someone versed in finances before you make this type of decision.

Dr. Braccio discusses the Psychology of the Mob as Demonstrated in Baltimore on 4/27/15, on the “Morning Wake Up With Dave Akerly” Radio Show on 4/28/15 on WILS, 1320 a.m. in Lansing, Michigan.They specifically talk about what happens to the psyche of the basically calm and peaceful citizen who becomes a looting and destructive part kocasinan bayan numaraları of the mob.

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Dr. Braccio Talks With Dave Akerly on the WILS Morning Wake Up With Dave Akerly Show on 3/3/15 on 1320 a.m.in Lansing, Michigan konya merkez kadın numaraları about JEALOUSY. I have sadly been involved way too many times in my work as a psychologist where completely false charges of infidelity have destroyed potentially life long loving marriages. As is often the case in English, Shakespeare states it so well:  IT IS THE GREEN EY’D MONSTER,WHICH DOTH MOCK THE MEAT IT FEEDS ON. Jealousy is so insidious, incomprehensible, and hard to overcome that it perplexes even the most perceptive and logical amongst us. Spock himself would be amazed as he saw a human trait that is so illogical. They discuss what Jealousy is and how to overcome it.

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Dr.Braccio Talks With Richard Herl, News Director of WILS, 1320 kocasinan escort a.m. in Lansing on 2/10/15 about how to lead and be a leader when not the manager. They also discuss how not to alienate the manager or co-workers as you offer support and leadership modeling to those around you.

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Dr.Braccio Talks With Tony Conley silifke eskort numaraları of the Tony Conley Radio Show on 1320 a.m., WILS, in Lansing on 2/3/15.  My oh my, how time flies!  It is hard to believe five years of weekly segments are coming to an end. It is a bittersweet event. I am happy for Tony but will miss the segments. He has offered a great service to the community over the years with his superb program. We have talked about so many topics over the years. Included were PSYCHOPATHS/ SOCIOPATHS, ANXIETY, DEPRESSION, PTSD, ADHD, BIPOLAR DISORDER, AUTISM, MASS MURDERERS, TERRORISM, SATIRE and MAJOR PERSONALTIES OF THE DAY. We also have discussed MSU SPORTS COACHES AND PLAYERS FROM MANY PERSPECTIVES. In our last segment together, we discussed the importance of being positive and seeking out the good in life. The power of family love with a spiritual or moral base can be so helpful to individuals in these troubling times.

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Dr.Braccio Talks With Tony Conley of the mersineskort Tony Conley Radio Show on 1320 a.m., WILS, in Lansing on 1/27/15 about how to best cope when in difficult situations like the snow storms hitting the New York and New England areas. They also discuss how we can best help our children cope with difficulties in life.
 

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Question

Dr.Braccio:  My husband konya merkez genç kızlar and I are very different. We love each other and make a good couple. With the children, I’m the warm and fuzzy one and he’s cool and quite critical. We thought this was okay until our shy eight year old began crying and acting uncomfortable at home whenever he was around. This made him be more sarcastic and critical of her. My in-laws met with us and said she’s afraid of her father and hates the way he always finds fault with her. They said she’s afraid to talk to him. He became cool and even sarcastic when he heard this and said she needs to learn to take criticism like her brother and sister. I’m concerned. He’s hurt but showing anger. Is there a problem or do you think it will all blow over? What can we do?

Answer

It is a problem that needs to be worked on. It will not “blow over”. She does not respond to his “cool and quite critical” ways. It also is not reasonable to expect her too. This is particularly true with her being shy and apparently not able to defend herself against him. Her shyness could be a defense against him and a symptom of low self-esteem.

That the other two children deal with his ways is no reason to expect that of her. It also is probably true they may pick up his negative reinforcement methods and hurt others. He also may be hurting their self-esteem. You will never know because they would not want to feel his anger and sarcasm. In a few words, his methods are not good for him or anyone else.

I would agree that children need reasonable limits and definitely known consequences when not doing what is expected of them; however, I would argue this is best done with a loving yet firm approach.

You and your husband need to sit down and honestly discuss how to best help your daughter. The current methods do not work and are hurting her self-esteem. This will be difficult. He, like most adults, is set in his ways. He also believes he has been successful in his marriage and generally with his parenting. For him to now change will require a critical view of himself and what needs to be done to be a more effective person and parent. You also need to change and make sure each of you is doing all you can to be loving and effective parents. Allowing the “bad cop” to go unchecked while in your role as the “good cop” has helped create the problem. This is said knowing both of you are trying to be effective parents.

You also may need to look at your role with your husband and see if you have been damaged emotionally. It would be rare that a cool, critical and sarcastic person would not harm someone who is emotionally and physically close.

A highly experienced and diplomatic therapist may be what both of you need in order to make changes in the home more “emotionally secure” for all family members. In the immediate present, your daughter needs love and support from both of you. She is hurting and needs her mom and dad to offer her unconditional love.

As a final bit of advice, focus on the present and future and not dwell on the past except as a learning tool.

Question

Dr.Braccio: I was in a relationship for 13 years (never married) and lived with this man the entire time with mersin esc our daughter. My daughter and I moved out six months ago after I learned he was still cheating on me. I forgave him the first time it happened four years ago. Then found out he was with the same woman and left him. Needless to say it was not a pleasant relationship. He was abusive, controlling, intimidating and he also refused to work. To make a long story short, I am afraid that he is trying to be as controlling and intimidating to our daughter. He makes her feel guilty when things do not go his way and even tells her that he doesn’t want to call her or see her anymore and that he doesn’t have a daughter anymore. He also says things like your new daddy will take care of you (I do not have a boyfriend nor am I seeing anybody). At times he has my daughter in tears. Then in a few days he tells her he loves her and that he is sorry. I feel hurt for my daughter that he is putting her through this. What can I say to him to make him understand that he is treating her like he treated me and get him to understand that it is not right of him to do? I want him to stop playing head games with her. Please help.

Answer

The situation of your daughter that you present is horrible and one that has destroyed and is destroying the lives of countless children. That the resulting self-esteem problems can last for a lifetime and by example be passed down to the next generation shows the need to stop the emotional damage being done to her as soon as possible.

Sadly, I do not believe you can convince him of the need to treat your daughter differently. He is simply treating her like he treated you. With that said, continue to defend her and strongly voice your concerns to the father. This will model appropriate assertiveness that hopefully she will use herself with him and as needed in her future relationships with other persons.

The problem is that it is very late to change the pattern. Because she grew up watching him abuse you emotionally, she appears to have most likely taken on a similar role. Even if this is true, focus on what you can do now rather than ruining the present as you condemn the effects of the past on your daughter today.

That you were able to finally escape this emotionally destructive person is a tribute to you and a great example of positive modeling for your daughter.

Because he is the father, and apparently has great influence over her feelings, as he did with you, it will be very difficult and most likely a long term project for her to strengthen to the point he is not an emotionally destructive force in her life. It is critical for her present and future mental health that she do this.

Mind games, conditional love, and demeaning names, gestures, attitudes, etc. that are harmful to her self-esteem must not be tolerated.

You can begin by telling your daughter what are acceptable and unacceptable behaviors toward her by her father and others. Use yourself as an example of what not to do. You can explain to her the process you went through that led you from being abused to setting yourself free.

Try to seek out friends that model human respect. Male role models could be particularly useful as a counterbalance to her father. Church and community activities could help make such persons available to both of you.

A counselor experienced in the abusive type of relationship your daughter has with her father could be very helpful if the situation does not improve.

Dr.Braccio and Tony Conley discuss appropriate smart phone protocol in mersin escort bayan meetings. They also discuss how persons can have great success in life even if their skill sets are less than others.

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Question

Dr.Braccio: My husband and I do not konya merkez bayan arkadaş deal with anger well. When I’m mad and hurt, he knows about it right away. I yell louder and louder and nag him to get my point across and get a reaction from him. This never works. He pretends like he’s going along with me but I know better. With him, I never know how he feels until he explodes over the smallest of things. We have a young child and both worry he’ll not be helped by our anger problems. For his sake and our sake, we want to end this anger nonsense. We love each other but we’re confused about how to resolve this problem. He said he tries to get along and doesn’t like to argue. But things build in him and he can’t contain how he feels. What do you think we should do?

Answer

The positive thing is that you love each other and want to resolve the anger problems. The negative thing is that each of your approaches to anger is often destructive to the relationship. The end result is not only anger and hurt, but love can also go if you do not find effective ways to express and resolve your anger and what causes it.

It appears your anger either intimidates him, turns him off or confuses him to the point he does not know how to respond. The problem is that his anger gradually builds up in him when he is not reacting until he explodes over something else that seems very small. It is like the saying, “The straw that broke the camel’s back”.

On your side, your anger grows and grows because his not responding will not help you to resolve your anger when it begins.

Even though you both deal with anger differently, the end result is that you both yell and lose control of yourselves.

You both need to be able to discuss your feelings openly so anger can be an emotion that can lead to positive interactions as you problem solve on what makes you upset. Levels of anger in each of you would be greatly reduced if you could openly discuss concerns when they arise in a manner comfortable for each of you.

Your husband needs to understand anger in marriage is a normal emotion one develops due to hurt, frustration, feelings of being minimized, not being heard, taken advantage of, etc. The way to resolve anger is to discuss it openly, honestly, and in a sensitive manner whereby neither person is hurt and feels defensive.

A helpful concept for both of you would be to see anger about the other to be “our anger problem” rather than “mine” and “yours”. It is analogous to being a “couple “versus” two individuals”.

If each of you can see anger as a joint problem, it can be easier to resolve. Both of you will have a personal stake in resolving it. Each of you can begin by trying to present your anger in “I feel” statements rather than “You make me angry” statements. Such statements show how you feel rather than to put blame on the other for your feelings.

You need to listen to your husband when he has trouble speaking to help him feel comfortable to discuss anger. Your getting angrier and angrier about something does not work because eventually he is the one who gets angry over an unrelated matter. The result is that no one is satisfied and anger and resentment grow inside of each of you.

The reasons “why” these anger incidents occur are not nearly as important as to “how” you choose to express them. You need to gain the skills and the “tools” to invest your emotional energies constructively and creatively. Often times, a couple gets locked into poor patterns of communicating their thoughts and feelings; the healthiest resolve is to simply gain information and learn techniques to facilitate this exchange of thoughts and emotions. Seek out a therapist experienced in anger management if you cannot resolve these anger problems on your own. These techniques can be taught on a short term basis with assistance of a competent therapist.

If there is a spiritual component to your life, a marriage encounter weekend might also be helpful.

Question

Dr.Braccio: I’m very konya merkez escort kızlar frustrated. I’m trying to raise two pre-adolescent teens, work and maintain a relationship. For the second time in a row over a four year period, I’ve been left by a significant other who claims my kids are such a priority to me that there is little time for us. The last one even said my work was a higher priority than him. My problem is that I must work and my kids without a doubt are my number one priority. I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect me to not be as involved in the children’s lives as much as possible. One of them was a weekend father and the last one had no children. Even though each liked my children and said they wanted to be a major part of their lives, neither felt close enough to want to stay with us. What can I do? I feel deserted and the kids again feel hurt and abandoned. They both came in and got close to the kids. Then they just left.

Answer

This is an unfortunate situation. It appears you simply have had some combination of bad luck and making poor choices. While not excusing their brutish behavior, you may not be able to give enough of yourself in a relationship that your significant other feels attached to you and the children. Perhaps your potential partners assumed that you offered more emotional resources and availability than were realistically accessible.

That they came into your lives saying they were ready to be part of the family, became involved with the children and then just left because of them is unconscionable and just plain wrong. You also must be very cautious in believing such statements from perspective significant others. To protect your children and give them more faith in your choices, you could date someone causally prior to their involvement with your children.

You might try to date a man involved and in love with his children who would like to blend them with yours into a loving family. While not always easy to do, it could work.  You also might look for a man who wants to have a family and would love to join yours. There are many lonely and even very happy people that want to actively belong to a family.

To meet someone through church or school activities of your children might be a non-threatening and positive way to meet a potential significant other.  Even if difficult, you also need to look at yourself and see if you promise too much and push them out of your life by not focusing enough on the two of you. I agree with you that your children are your number one priority. It also is true these must be adult time with the significant other if the relationship is going to develop. In the best of relationships, there is a need for the persons to have time to discuss all important issues and grow together as they live the present into the future. In a sense, the success of a relationship in the future begins now.

You probably need time for you and the children to heal prior to entering into a new relationship. You must determine how much of yourself you can give and if that is enough to cement a relationship. Even if unlikely, your children and work may have become convenient excuses for you to not develop appropriate intimacy with a significant other.

You may find after soul searching that your work and parenting are such priorities that you choose not to date seriously and in effect firmly decide to raise your children as you desire and not have conflicting allocation of time pressures on you. To make your children your number one priority is a noble and important choice that is very good for them. You may find to focus on them until the youngest is out of high school is the least stressful choice and the most mentally healthy for all of you. If you decide not to do this, and even if you do, to seek out a therapist, minister and/or group that addresses your areas of concern to help you determine what truly caused the breakup of your relationships. This is said even though their entering the lives of you and the children and then just leaving was most inappropriate and damaging.

Whatever you decide to do now, your decisions must eliminate as much as possible that your children will ever again feel hurt and abandoned. All three of you have been hurt enough. Let the healing process begin.

Question

Dr.Braccio: I’m quite escort bayan mersin upset and hurt. I’ve lost over 150 pounds in the past year and a half after having Bariatric Surgery. I was horribly obese and in horrible shape with diabetes, arthritis, high blood pressure and all kinds of other physical problems and discomfort. I couldn’t even tie my shoes and my joints ached all the time. After a lot of internal debate, I had the operation. Now I feel so much better physically and emotionally. From four shots, I only take one insulin shot a day. My problem is that a few co-workers make snide comments about the “kind of person” who has no discipline and needs surgery to lose weight. On top of that, my “fat” sister is telling everybody I did it to try to get a man. I did it for health and I’m tired of explaining this to her. I have found a good man to date and my sister seems angry and jealous about that. He tells me to ignore her. What can I do and why is this happening?

Answer

You need to not listen to the critics. Because you are a sensitive person, this will be hard for you to do; however, that is the best solution. You did what you did because you felt it was the right thing to do for your health. The weight you have lost and your better physical and emotional health say it all. What more could you say? That you have found a “good man” to date is positive and everyone needs to be happy for you.

I would give you the same advice as your friend: Ignore your sister. You obviously cannot change her mind and you have no need to do it. Others will understand her motives. I would add your co-workers to the list. Why your co-workers are being negative could be jealousy, pettiness or they are mean spirited. That is their problem. Who would not rather be you than them? You are trying to improve yourself as a person and make yourself more healthy. They are not and are not your friends. To ignore them is the right thing to do. To one time tell them how you feel may make you feel better but most likely would not have much impact.

To be unfairly critical of others is a bad quality in sometimes even the best of persons. In this case, this lack of sensitivity by the petty critics reflects negativity on them and not you. This also occurs when people are jealous and angry. Your sister may be upset she lost her overweight sister. That you have found someone to date may be too much for her. That he is a “good man” may have really put her over the top. You also need to know that jealousy is as powerful as it is destructive and corrosive to the person who cannot control it. That is not your problem.

You need to focus on what you have accomplished rather than any outside negativity. It was brave of you to undertake the surgery and your current mental health and physical condition are a tribute to you. That you have found a “good man” to date is icing on the cake. Applaud yourself for doing something to improve your physical and mental health to advance yourself in life.

Question

Dr.Braccio: My husband silifke escort ilanları and I are happy in our second marriage. When we married three years ago, all of his and my children were out of the home. The problem is that my twenty-seven year old son literally fell into our home eight months ago and shows no signs of leaving. He is an alcoholic and lost his wife and job in Chicago. He’s now putting his life in order but my husband wants him on his own. He has been very supportive of my son but says eight months is enough. His two sisters agree and feel he should be on his own. I kind of agree but also feel I’m his mother and need to help him. I find myself having secret talks with him that I don’t tell my husband or other children about. I feel bad about this. My son makes good money but feels he would relapse if he were to leave. He goes to Alcoholics Anonymous regularly and is in therapy. What do you think?

Answer

I think it has been helpful that you took him in when his life was falling apart. But now it seems reasonable for him to move into his own place. You can still offer a steady helping hand to him, but that does not mean he should live indefinitely in your home. He needs to learn to fly again on his own.

Even though marriages can have complications, to expect your husband to accept your adult son living in your home without an end in sight is not reasonable. That he has a job, is getting help and can pay his own way is positive and should make his leaving much easier. You need to plan his leaving. The three of you need to sit down and discuss the situation. You and your husband need to be united. Your husband has been tolerant to have your adult son live with you for eight months.

Encourage your son to continue in treatment to help him with any relapse problems. While you must not underestimate the relapse possibility, your son must determine what he needs to do to best and eliminate any relapse problems. He seems to be getting appropriate treatment.

You need to stop your “secret meetings’ with your son. This makes you more co-dependent in a negative way and is not healthy for the marriage. You two need to work as a team.

It is positive he goes to Alcoholics Anonymous and is in therapy. They need to be his primary support and not you.

It is possible your son is afraid to be on his own. He needs to know that when he needs support, that he can call you and spend time with you on a regular basis. With that said, his calls should only come when they are needed and not to make you worry and make each of you more co-dependent on each other.

If not already, you can do some research on alcohol addiction and also go to Alanon meetings to make you comfortable with any decision you make and the resulting follow up.

There are times in life that in spite of our limitless love for our children that we must let them go to solve their own problems. With continued emotional support from the two of you, I believe you can do this. The time to let him go is now and make your focus your marriage.

You may find you need counseling to help deal with this difficult situation.

Question 

Dr.Braccio:  We are finding out our ten year old son kocasinan escort bayan lies.  We knew he told “fibs”, but did not want to admit it was a big problem.  But the school counselor called and says they have caught him in lies to avoid punishment at school and our neighbors say he lied to their faces about when they saw him destroy some flowers in their back yard.  He does not like to admit what he does, but we have told him he must be truthful from now on.  He cries and is blaming everyone else.  He’s a late child for us and we’re hurting.  What can we do?

Answer

Insisting on honesty is the correct policy.  Your son is old enough to understand the impact of his lies.  He clearly needs to know you do also.

Reinforcing your son during times when he does choose to be honest will be helpful.  Praise that choice and reward it.

Deal with the lies in a very straight forward way.  There are to be “no excuses”.  He is manipulating your adult world and those at the school and at the neighbors when he chooses to lie.  It may be well invested energy to investigate the behaviors he performs that stimulate the purported “need to lie” in the first place.  Are these destructive behaviors?  Is he cheating or hurting others?  Why does he perform those activities in the first place?

Sadly, there are few models in our children’s world of media exposure and often in their social environment that actively promote honesty as a value.  That places a strong emphasis for that formation on you, as parents.

Another strategy would be to temporarily limit your son’s “sphere of influence”.  He can understand that he can earn his privilege to spin out his freedoms as he proves himself to be trustworthy.

If you have a spiritual orientation you can enlist the support of a minister or priest.

As you implement your “zero tolerance” for lying, do not be surprised if he fights you harder than ever before.  He knows you have minimized his lies and called them “fibs”.  He is hoping you will go back to the old ways.  You must not let your heart interfere with your helping your son by insisting he tell the truth.  His self-esteem is in the balance for people tire quickly of liars.

The goal is for him to be known as a person of honor who tells the truth.  That is a reasonable goal and something to strive for.  Do not settle for less.

Why a Person Chooses Failure When Success Seems Like Such a Better Alternative? The following are a few reasons: 1.Too much effort. I will get by. 2.An absolute belief life is set up in such a way I cannot succeed so why silifke escort numaraları try. 3. Let others take care of me. I deserve it! 4. I deserve it in such an unfair country! 5. No risk of failure if I do not try. 6. I believe I am independent and will raise my children on my own! 7. I know no better and believe this is the way it ought to be! This is actually a big problem in our society where many preach THE AMERICAN DREAM is dead. It is dead if you accept it is true. The result is you consciously or unconsciously choose failure in your life.

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Question

Dr.Braccio:  We’ve been married for seventeen years and I’m always in kocasinan escort hot water with my wife by forgetting her birthday, anniversary and every other important date.  I’ve told her to remind me but she says it’s my job.  She became particularly enraged a few weeks ago when I again forgot her fortieth birthday.  She became more enraged when I said she was overlooking all the good I do and was overreacting.  Our ten year old son told me to just do it and quit defending my forgetfulness.  We generally get along fine.  I treat her good and we love each other.  I don’t understand how little things like this can cause us so much trouble.  What should I do?

Answer

Some spouses do remind their spouses of important days so they will not forget them.  In your case, and your wife is clearly the norm; she wants you to remember important days in your lives.  It seems reasonable to do that.  Particularly when you two otherwise “generally get along fine” and “love each other”.  Your ten year-old son gives you good advice.   Key days to remember for your wife are your anniversary, her birthday, Mother’s Day, Valentine’s Day and Christmas.  Add to this list whatever is important to her.

For these days, you would do well to treat her as the most loved person in your life that she is.  Dinner, flowers, massages, poetry, words of love, books of love, and most importantly, showing feelings of true love will make your marriage, family life and mutual feelings of spousal love remarkably better.  A minimal investment in thoughtfulness will pay huge dividends in peace!

While some husbands and wives would say love is what you show by being a responsible spouse, and I would agree, a wise spouse knows that celebrating special dates and trying to maintain a special relationship at other times make for a much more intimate love and marriage.  It keeps the love in the marriage.

In a successful marriage, each spouse tries to hear what the other is saying and meet the needs of each other.  When each does this, then a good loving and intimate marriage is the result.  By becoming defensive about your forgetfulness, she felt de-valued.

Listen to her words, but more important, listen to her heart and meet her needs as they are. You are not “hearing” how important it is to your wife for you to remember key dates.  Do everything you can to remember them.  Even if unfortunate for both of you, her reaction has clearly caught your attention.

Because women tend to value relationships, mindfulness of her needs helps you to fulfill them.  This is normal.  In your wife’s eyes, mindfulness of her significant events is a part of how she feels meaningful to you versus being “taken for granted”. Which do you intend to communicate?

For now, even at this late date, and her initial reaction may not be positive, I would advise you to buy her a birthday present or get her flowers, chocolates or perfume.  Set the tone for the future.  Say you are sorry and mean it.

I would predict if you do this, your marriage will be much better.  By making your wife feel special and truly loved, she will treat you much better and both of you will be remarkably happier.

Question

Dr.Braccio:  I am a forty-nine karatay genç kızlar year old who married late and has two teenage children.  My concern is my memory.  I’m busier than ever, always running here and there and can’t seem to remember like I did before.  The problem is I need my memory more now than ever.  My doctor evaluated me and said I was fine and to just slow down and be healthy.  Nothing seems to help and my wife and children kid me when I lose my keys, cell phone or forgot a password to get into a system I may use a lot.  What’s wrong with me and can I improve my memory?

Answer

The first answer is that there is apparently nothing wrong with you except you are overextended and need to slow down and be healthy as your doctor said.  The second answer is that you can improve your memory.

Before you do anything, recognize you are constantly traveling on a speeding out of control treadmill that you must control.  One’s memory will always be poor when daily responsibilities are overwhelming.

There are various things you can do to improve your memory.  They would include the following:

1. Eat three balanced meals day.  Good memory requires a healthy and well-nourished    body/brain.  2.  Get enough rest.  Fatigue will blunt the best of memories.  3.  Write down passwords and remember where the book is you put them in.  4.  When not on you, have specific places you always put things you commonly forget.  Examples would be car keys always go in the basket on top of the refrigerator or the cell phone is always on or near the charger in your den.  5.  Appropriate use of vitamins and supplements.  6.  Eliminate or reduce alcohol consumption. Exercising.  7.  Learn to relax by deep breathing, self-hypnosis, yoga, medication, or any other techniques to help you relax and clear your mind.  One cannot think clearly when the short term   memory is cluttered with unimportant information and is under constant bombardment by   information coming from all directions.  8.  Slow down your life and take on a manageable work and life load.  As a minimum, learn to focus on one thing at a time.  To focus on too many things at one time means you will not be completing any of them or will complete them erratically.  As goes the famous quote, “One cannot serve two masters at one time”.  9.  Believe your efforts to improve your memory will succeed and it will occur.  10.  Try various techniques called mnemonics to improve your memory.  A few examples would be as follows:

A.  Associations.  Probably the most common relates to time change:  “Spring forward and Fall back”. B.  Pegs used to help you remember something.  For example, us  rhyming word pairs:   One with Ton, Two with Rule, Three with Tree.  Further examples could be with letters:  LSJ for Lansing State Journal, MPA for Michigan Psychological Association.  C.  A visual image in your mind of your uncle preparing and cooking Paella when you go shopping to buy ingredients to make the delicious Spanish meal.  This helps you remember what you must buy and how to make it.

If you try the above suggestions with confidence, you will see improvement in your memory.  You can even have fun at home and enlist the family in activities to improve the memories of everyone.  I know of cases where this has been done with much success.

Whatever decision you make needs to be made by the three of you with open discussion and decision making.  You can listen to others, but the choice is yours.

Any questions and comments would be appreciated.