Question
I found out my 13 year old son stole a video game from an acquaintance when I overheard him bragging to a friend about it.When I first silifke escort ilanları talked to him about it later, he tried to deny he took it. Then he admitted it when I told him how I found out and would call the boy to check it out myself. I’ve punished him for lying to me. I also told my son to return it and apologize for taking it. He chose to put it in the mailbox and say nothing. In defending himself, he said if he told the boy what happened it would hurt his reputation and word would get around that he was a thief. As I told him, this is not the first time he has done something like this. I also told him the last time I would not again cover for him. My parents have sided with him. He and they think I’m being unreasonable. What do you think? Should he talk to the boy and apologize as I told him to do?
Answer
Dr. Braccio: Your son needs to tell the person the truth. He took the video game, bragged to a friend about what he did, first lied to you, only admitted he took it when he had to, and then returned it only because he got caught. After all of that, he chose to defy you and not admit to the person he took it and apologize. This is not a positive sequence of attitudes and behaviors.
In addition to everything else, he does not show any remorse for his stealing and lying. That is as bad as the lying and stealing. He needs to make some fundamental changes in himself.
He need not tell the person you made him apologize. The important thing he must learn is that there are unpleasant consequences for stealing, lying, being defiant and not having remorse. Admitting his wrongdoing and apologizing will be very hard for your son; however, it is how change and potential personal growth can occur in him. He needs a positive dose of humility.
That you “covered for him” in the past was bad parenting. You must stop doing it now. To your credit, you are trying to do that now. You are teaching him that even though you gave in before, you will longer do that. You can tell him you were wrong and that it will not happen again.
Once you decided what he was to do and told him to do it, then he had to do it. Any negotiation on how to solve the problem was to be done prior to his defying you and trying to negotiate afterwards. This is totally unacceptable. It probably got to this point because you went along with his bad behavior in the past. Do not worry about what you have not done in the past. Take control of this current situation. I think in this case, to have him personally apologize for what he did is essential not just because it will help him, but because you told him to do it as part of your parenting. This will help you positively assert your role as parent.
The involvement of your parents is inappropriate and must end. You need to talk to them and do some “parenting” with them. They are not helping anyone in the family with their misguided support of your son’s totally inappropriate behavior.
You might consider an experienced therapist and/or pastor to help him better understand appropriate behavior. A therapist also might be helpful to you with his resistance to change and the unfortunate support of your parents.