Don’t Let Kids’ Ex Push You Around

Question

Dr.Braccio:  My nine and eleven konya merkez escort year old children are being very mean and unfair to me.  Their father and I divorced eight years ago.  He began dating even before we separated and the kids never complained.  For the first time, I have met a kind man at our church through our minister and am dating him.  He has no children and is very nice to my children.  They treat him horribly, do not want me to date him, and to add insult to injury, their father, who philandered on me, agrees with them and says I should date no one and just look after them!  I had it out with him and he’s threatening to quit seeing the kids even though he only spends a few days a month with them anyway.  What should I do?  I’m hurt, angry, and frustrated.

Answer

That your children do not want you to date and want you to themselves is common. That your ex-spouse has involved himself negatively and threatens not to see the children if you continue dating is outrageous and reflects horribly on his character.

There is a need for a balance between your needs and those of your children.  If your ex-spouse chooses not to see them if you date is inappropriate behavior on his part and your children will figure this out.

You can explain to your children why you will date and your life cannot be determined by his whims.  He apparently is trying to punish you or is not willing to fully let you go.  Either way, whether you date or not is none of his business unless you are being destructive to the children and you are not.  He has been destructive to them and his new threat, if carried out, would tragically be more of the same.

You need to sit down with your children and let them know you do not love them less because you need companionship and love from an adult partner.  Even if hard for them to accept, they must because this is the fair thing to do and part of their growing up.

Be sensitive when you talk to them but do not allow their unreasonableness to destroy your possibility for happiness.  Even though it may be hard for them to understand and accept in the short run, help them separate their reasonable fear of change from what is unreasonable.

To enlist the support of your minister could be very helpful because you met at the church, he knows both of you and you went out with him “through the minister”.  For him to lead the family in prayer could also be helpful.

An outside therapist trained in such a common but very delicate situation as yours could also be helpful.  You can also call the school counselor of each, if different, and enlist their support in this situation.