November 19, 2024- While it is true that many persons are happy and relieved to be divorced when the love and caring have ended with their spouse or partner. With that said, often forgotten in the equation are the children and their future relationships not only with both parents but with important and loved family members. Divorced parents need to never forget they divorced each other but the children have not divorced anyone and want a loving relationship with all family members. Partners who put the needs of their children ahead of themselves work together to make sure the children are able to have good loving relationships with both sets of grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and other extended members of the family. Partners that do not do this too often do it out of anger at the ex, and use it as a form of punishment for them. When this occurs, the feelings and any trauma and sadness the children are experiencing due to the divorce is not being considered, and that is very inappropriate. In a divorce, part of the process needs to be not just how to settle their legal affairs but also what will happen to the children. The following are things couples need to do to best help the children adapt to the divorce and allow all family members the opportunity to give love and receive love from the children: 1. Accept your marriage did not work and is going to end. 2. Make every effort to try to at least get along with each other for the sake of the children. This may initially be very difficult, at least during the initial period of the divorce because of raw nerves and possible feelings of abandonment, betrayal and poor treatment. 3. Even if you have these bad feelings, it is important to try to get over them to the level you realize your children belong to both of you and it is best that they have loving and caring relatives that are available and desire to have a good relationship with them. 4. What is mentally healthy interaction with the two families needs to be worked out with appropriate rules and boundaries that are set up and everyone agrees. 5.I firmly believe each parent in the divorce needs to do all they can do to make the children’s lives be as stable as possible. This is certainly helped by allowing them to have all the love, affection and caring they can have from grandparents and other members of the extended family. 6. If the two of you find your anger and hurt are so strong you cannot effectively interact with each other and reset interactions your children have with your ex- partners’ family members, this is a time to recognize this is inappropriate behavior. 7. Seek the support of a therapist experienced in divorce and the aftermath trauma and anger who can help find ways to allow healthy interactions with the family members of the ex-spouse could be very helpful to both you and your children…The ability of children of divorce to have good relationships with families of both spouses is clearly a major area of concern in divorces that too often is not discussed before and after divorce or relationship breakup. For emphasis, we need to make sure our children have the opportunity to interact with all family members with the goal of having them be able to love who they choose to love and be loved by important family people in their lives.