Question
Dr.Braccio: I just heard you on the radio as a guest talking about ADD but was not able to call in konya merkez olgun bayan with a question. I’m very upset with my parents. Our hard working nine year old daughter has been diagnosed with both ADD and a Reading Disability. She is a wonderful and sensitive girl who has taken a lot over the past few years due to her disabilities. She has a tutor and we and the school work hard with her and she is doing fairly well. What I’m mad about is that my parents say ADD is a bunch of bunk and our daughter is lazy and has no reading problem. They have said this to us and we have ignored them but now we know they’ve been telling her this all the time when she is alone with them. I guess my father is quite aggressive when he talks to her and tells her to shape up. She was afraid to tell us and has been scared to be with them alone. She cried last time we were going to drop her off. We felt horrible when she told us what has been happening. My husband is mad and is ready to confront them. Our daughter is very intimidated by them and wants us to do nothing. For now, my husband says he will do nothing but says something has to change. To make things worse, an unmarried sister lives with my parents and has been saying the same thing. I’m so mad but hate to start a big family fight. My two sisters say they will not change and to ignore them and have my daughter do the same thing. What do you think?
Answer
You need to say something. This is a form of bullying. Your daughter, though no fault of her own, has ADD and a reading disability. She needs encouragement and support rather than psychological abuse, intimidation and bullying.
Even if your parents mean well, their approach is hurtful and destructive to her self-esteem. Your daughter needs to know you are defending her and that she does not have to put up with bullying, regardless of the intent of your parents and sister. It makes her feel insecure by their saying in effect she is the cause of her problems. That is mean spirited, untrue and unfair. She has already been through enough in her young life.
You need to emphatically tell them not only are they wrong but they are damaging the self-esteem of your wonderful daughter. Let them know this is not acceptable and you will not allow it anymore.
To allow this to occur and ignore it would be poor parenting. While I know persons unfortunately need to adapt to insensitive persons in life when it cannot be controlled, this is a controllable situation and must end.
Sadly, too many in our society criticize persons with disabilities because they do not understand them and choose to criticize rather than get educated. Hopefully, your directness can help them see the truth and be helpful. If not, they will suffer by not being an active part in the life of both of you and their wonderful granddaughter or niece.
At a level she can understand, you can tell your daughter she does not have to put up with this type of behavior. Explain her disabilities to her if you have not. She needs to know they are real, not her fault and that she with effort and support can be successful and happy in life.
Any questions or comments would be appreciated!