Question
Dr.Braccio: We have a ten year old daughter’s teacher met with us and said our daughter feels we mersin esc don’t listen to her. She told her teacher that when she wants to talk about a problem, we change the topic, minimize her feelings, baby her or solve the problem without her involvement. The school counselor agrees.
Answer
You need to be patient and let your daughter get her feelings out in a way she can both fully express herself and begin to solve problems on her own. Neither of you allow this to happen. You need to go from “pushy” to “laid back” when she wants to share her feelings and problems.
Fortunately, with your desire to help her and using a strategy called “Active Listening”, you can help her right now.
When we use “Active Listening”, we let the person get all of her or his feelings out in a safe environment where the person fully says how she or he feels. In this environment, concerns are raised and the person can problem-solve. When parents do this, it is offering safe harbor to the child to problem-solve and express feelings.
This is NOT an example of “Active Listening”:
Daughter: “I feel bad about the way Judy treats me.”
Parent: “The heck with her, ignore her.”
Daughter: “But I feel bad when she says mean things to me”.
Parent: “Don’t feel that way. She’s just being bad and the heck with her”.
Daughter: “But….”
Parent: “But nothing, eat something and you’ll feel better. Nobody can be mean to my little baby. Give me a hug”.
As you can see, the parent is not listening to her concerns and is minimizing the problem situation, her feelings and no solutions can occur for her in this environment. She will actually feel worse.
This IS an example of “Active Listening”:
Parent: “How are you today?”
Daughter: “Not good”.
Parent: “You do seem upset. What happened?”
Daughter: “ My friend Judy said a mean thing to me”.
Parent: “How do you feel about that?”
Daughter: “I’m hurt and upset.”
Parent: “So, you’re really upset?”
Daughter: “Yes. I don’t like that from a friend.”
Parent: “What are you going to do?”
Daughter: “I’m gonna call her tonight and talk to her and say how I feel.”
Parent: “Do you think that will work?”
Daughter: “I guess so. That’s how we deal with things like this.”
Parent: “Sounds like a good idea.”
Daughter: “Thanks mom.”
With effective “Active Listening” the following occurs:
1. The feelings of the child are validated and heard in a safe problem-solving environment.
2. Parents do not distract the child from addressing the problem.
3. Parents do not intervene unless there is a danger or unreasonable abuse of the child.
4. The parent only gives advice and solutions when necessary.
It appears you two are ready to make some changes and help your daughter. To keep in contact with the teacher and school counselor seems reasonable.
Any questions or comments would be appreciated.