Question
Dr.Braccio: My husband and I have been leading a pleasant retirement life mersin anamur escort bayanları for the past six years. Our four children and their families who live in the community are doing well. The concern is that our oldest daughter, who has caused us great heartache, wants to return to Michigan to start anew and to mend bridges with her siblings and us after leaving thirteen years ago with one child in her arms and pregnant. We have kept in touch and see them a few times a year. She has 12, 13 and 14 year old children by three different fathers who have no involvement with the children. She now wants to move in and live with us while she gets back on her feet here and she actually has a job waiting for her. We really want to help but fear she will never leave or only leave if we have a big fight. My husband is more positive than I am. Our other children are either neutral or tell us to never do it. She seems different now and wants to put her life in order. Her children, even though a little rough around the edges, are good children and want to be with us. We really want to help out but she has a history of failing on commitments. The difference is that she now seems to really be trying. We also feel guilt for whatever reason. My brother and his wife say we would be better to help her out with an apartment or a house rental for a while. We could easily do that. What should we do? We’re afraid of making a big mistake.
Answer
Only you can decide what to do. That she is reaching out is positive. That she seems to be changing and wants to come back home and be with her family is positive. She may be maturing and wanting to put her life in order. If you can help her to this end, it would be wonderful for her, the children, both of you and the whole family.
Based on her previous behaviors, you need to be cautious and not let your heart make a decision without using your head. This could easily lead to a giant blow up in your home that would set all relationships back a long ways and would be destructive to the children.
Do not make a decision based on guilt. The end result will most likely be resentment. If you help her, let it be because you want to and feel it will be helpful and the right thing to do. You also need to know you really do not know them well and you need time to get to know each other on an ongoing basis.
If you can handle the finances, your brother and sister-in-law make lot of sense when they suggest you help her rent an apartment or house for say six months. It would take all the pressure off you and the odds of a blowup is greatly reduced. You would all be able to get adjusted to each other with separate living quarters.
You also need to realize that to add new persons to your home when you two are leading a “pleasant retirement life” may not be at all reasonable.
If you and your husband decide to let your daughter and family “temporarily” move into your home, the following are some good basic guidelines:
1. Determine how long “temporary” is .
2. Agree on what financial expectations there are for you now and in the future.
3. Determine what role you will have in the “parenting” of the children.
4. Make sure there is a clear awareness that it is your home and they must adhere to clearly stated home rules that you will determine.
5. Determine how and when your daughter and family will leave if you desire it. This must be very clear.
Lest all this seem too negative and even legalistic, be aware the odds of problems occurring are quite high based on the track record of your daughter. It also is very positive she is reaching out to you to help her and the children adapt to Michigan. The rewards to the overall family makes the effort worth it. With that said, your brother and sister-in-law seem to have the best idea to reduce potential conflict and help everyone adapt to each other.
Any questions or comments would be appreciated.