Question
Dr.Braccio: Our sixteen year old daughter is popular but seems way too concerned that her friends approve of her konya merkez olgun bayan and what she does. We have tried to stay out of it but worry. In spite o f all her successes and friendships, she cannot enjoy herself because she always worries about what others think of her and what she does. What’s wrong and what should we do?
Answer
Your daughter is confusing legitimate recognition by her friends of her achievements with a false need for their approval. To be recognized for what she does is positive. To desire this is only human. To have her self-worth determined by this recognition or approval is negative and puts her on a life path where she will never approve of herself unless others do.
Even though this problem is common at all ages, it is sadly very common with teenagers. For the sake of her mental health, you need to try to help her change her outlook now.
As parents, you can do the following:
1. Consistently encourage her to be an independent person. Shakespeare said it best” “This above all: to thine own self be true”.
2. Advise her that she must meet reasonable standards and be proud when she meets them.
3. Tell her that recognition or approval is positive but must not determine how she perceives herself or her achievements.
4. Help her be aware true friendships are not superficial and are based on mutual respect and not how popular we are on a given day. True friendships last for years. In effect, a true friend is a part of us.
5. Prepare her for the times her “friends” may reject, criticize, or subtlety put her down. The emotional pain will be far less if she is secure in herself and has the strength to defend her decisions and acts.
6. Help her see that “another person”, and not herself, will control her life if she needs approval of others to be happy with herself. This is a key concept she must understand.
7. Use difficult “friendship” times for her as teaching moments to help her put approval in perspective.
This will be a difficult situation to change in the short run because most teenagers have this problem to some degree and she appears to have it at a relatively strong level. Do not get discouraged with yourselves or her if she does not change quickly. Just keep using the suggestions mentioned above and success will come.