Question
Dr.Braccio: My husband and I have the odd situation of a twenty-nine year old son genç kızlar kocasinan living with us who has graduated from college, has a good job but chooses not to move out. He loves his family and we’re glad to have him with us but wonder if we should push him to leave. His older sister and my sister and brothers feel he needs to go and we should push the issue for his sake. They feel he needs to date more and see other people. He knows this and it bothers him. In a moment of candor, he admitted he’s insecure and feels secure and happy when living with us and would rather not move. What should we do?
Answer
This is not a simple “keep him” or “kick him out”. While the majority of Americans might tell you to ease him out, any experienced therapist will tell you of the many lonely patients they work with, both parents and children, who are alone and depressed and feel rejected by their families. The love you all share is not a gift to be taken lightly.
It also is true that “conventional wisdom”, such as suggested by his relatives, is not always right. Your son appears well balanced emotionally and happy living with you. From the view point of family disintegration in modern America, your relationship is a triumph for families.
The only “red flag” is that he told you he is insecure. To make him leave would not necessarily develop security; in fact, it could have the opposite results.
It would be wise for you and your husband to meet with your son and discuss his “insecurity”. If you determine he is living with you out of fear of being alone and dealing with normal problems of adult life on his own, then you might try to help him to gradually move out.
You three do not appear to be in a co-dependent relationship where each of you is dependent on the other and stunted emotional growth is the result.
It could be helpful for your son to see a therapist experienced in anxiety disorders to see if he has any anxiety problems. If he does, they could be remediated with counseling and/or medication to ease his tension and help allow him to make his choices more freely.
It also is possible you have an adult son and family member who want to live with his parents and regularly see his family until he meets someone to marry. This is common in many cultures. For one example, the traditional Italian-American culture often encourages unmarried children to stay home until they are married. Who has not heard an Italian-America son say, “No one makes pasta like mama”.
Whatever decision you make needs to be made by the three of you with open discussion and decision making. You can listen to others, but the choice is yours.
Any questions and comments would be appreciated.