Question
Dr.Braccio: My husband konya merkez genç kızlar and I are very different. We love each other and make a good couple. With the children, I’m the warm and fuzzy one and he’s cool and quite critical. We thought this was okay until our shy eight year old began crying and acting uncomfortable at home whenever he was around. This made him be more sarcastic and critical of her. My in-laws met with us and said she’s afraid of her father and hates the way he always finds fault with her. They said she’s afraid to talk to him. He became cool and even sarcastic when he heard this and said she needs to learn to take criticism like her brother and sister. I’m concerned. He’s hurt but showing anger. Is there a problem or do you think it will all blow over? What can we do?
Answer
It is a problem that needs to be worked on. It will not “blow over”. She does not respond to his “cool and quite critical” ways. It also is not reasonable to expect her too. This is particularly true with her being shy and apparently not able to defend herself against him. Her shyness could be a defense against him and a symptom of low self-esteem.
That the other two children deal with his ways is no reason to expect that of her. It also is probably true they may pick up his negative reinforcement methods and hurt others. He also may be hurting their self-esteem. You will never know because they would not want to feel his anger and sarcasm. In a few words, his methods are not good for him or anyone else.
I would agree that children need reasonable limits and definitely known consequences when not doing what is expected of them; however, I would argue this is best done with a loving yet firm approach.
You and your husband need to sit down and honestly discuss how to best help your daughter. The current methods do not work and are hurting her self-esteem. This will be difficult. He, like most adults, is set in his ways. He also believes he has been successful in his marriage and generally with his parenting. For him to now change will require a critical view of himself and what needs to be done to be a more effective person and parent. You also need to change and make sure each of you is doing all you can to be loving and effective parents. Allowing the “bad cop” to go unchecked while in your role as the “good cop” has helped create the problem. This is said knowing both of you are trying to be effective parents.
You also may need to look at your role with your husband and see if you have been damaged emotionally. It would be rare that a cool, critical and sarcastic person would not harm someone who is emotionally and physically close.
A highly experienced and diplomatic therapist may be what both of you need in order to make changes in the home more “emotionally secure” for all family members. In the immediate present, your daughter needs love and support from both of you. She is hurting and needs her mom and dad to offer her unconditional love.
As a final bit of advice, focus on the present and future and not dwell on the past except as a learning tool.