Look Out For These Manipulative Signs
Question
Dr.Braccio: My daughter knows how to mersin anamur escort bayanları push my buttons to always get me to do what she wants. I always say I won’t allow her to do it again but she never fails. For an ongoing example, we love our grandchildren but she drops them off whenever she wants whether it’s convenient for us or not. If I complain, she gets some combination of hurt, angry, haughty, tearful and says we don’t love her or them or are so selfish we only think of ourselves. She also compares me to who she has determined are loving parents and grandparents. I then wilt and do what she wants. Then, in an indignant huff, she’s off to do who knows what. What’s wrong here and what can I do?
Answer
You are being manipulated by your daughter. You need to say enough of this and not allow it.
Simply stated, manipulation is a practice that manipulators use to get people to do what they want without telling their real intentions. It is a shadowy and dishonest practice that is very effective with the person whose buttons can be pushed.
You love your daughter and also your grandchildren and want to see them. However, you want to control when you see them. Your daughter uses guilt when she says you do not want to see them and guilt and selfishness when you will not see them when it is not convenient for you.
The following are some key labels manipulators use and from which you must defend yourself. To some degree, they all relate to you and your daughter.
1. Guilt. Do not allow this useless and destructive feeling to in effect make you do what you do not want to do. You have every right to decide when you will see the grandchildren and not their parent.
2. Selfish. When you do not do what your daughter wants, she in effect calls you selfish. You feel bad about this label and give in to her. In truth, she is selfish for trying to make you take on her responsibility as a parent when it suites her purpose.
3. Lack of love. You hate this accusation and you are forced to show your love for your daughter and grandchildren, as in this case, by doing what is desired by your manipulating daughter.
4. Inconsiderate. By not doing what the manipulator wants, you are presented as an inconsiderate person and you believe it. Of course it is absolutely the opposite.
5. Hurt and angry feelings. The manipulator is often the drama king or queen. In this case, your daughter gets hurt and angry and does all she can to push you to help out as she desires. She is playing the role of the victim. This statement said in dramatic terms would be typical: “If you cared, you would show your love for me and your
grandchildren by watching them tonight”.
6. Withholding approval. Because people want approval from those they love and care for, this is a powerful tool manipulators use to get conformity to their wills.
7. Negative comparison. To compare you unfavorably with persons who are defined as loving their children and grandchildren can be painful to resist. A typical button pushing statement would be as follows: “Aunt Mary really loves her daughter and grandchildren. She’s not like you and never places her selfish needs ahead of those she says she loves”.