Question
Dr.Braccio: Our 11 and 12 year olds konya merkez kadın numaraları fight all the time. They have always been competitive, but now it seems even worse. We’ve tried to ignore them as much as possible and say boys will be boys, but now they’re really getting angry with each other and fighting physically. We’ve intervened and told them to back it off. It’s not working. We feel we’re failing as parents. What’s going on? What can we do to stop it?
Answer
Your children have a strong case of “sibling rivalry” that is going too far and needs to be controlled. The key thing is to gain perspective to better help you change their behaviors.
Arguing and competing with each other is a normal part of sibling human development. Each of your sons is trying to develop his place in the family and most specifically with each other. Even though as parents you must control their behaviors, it is something they must work out in a nondestructive manner. With your direction, I am sure they can do it.
You are not failing as parents. You will only fail if you do not set limits on their inappropriate behaviors and attitudes and enforce them.
The following are behaviors you cannot allow:
1. Bitter interactions fueled by anger and sometimes rage.
2. Threatening and intimidating statements to each other of a physical or violent nature.
3. Physical fighting or other violent actions.
4. Destructive and cruel teasing. This includes demeaning and mocking statements.
5. Constant bickering.
6. Attempts to co-parent the other when you are disciplining one or the other.
These are suggestions to help you take control of the behaviors:
1. Model civilized and caring interactions with yourselves as a couple and with your children.
2. Determine jointly where the line will be drawn with their sibling rivalry. Be aware competition and fighting for position are normal and you need to accept this and know they need to learn how to problem solve on their own. You can set up a healthy environment where this can take place.
3. Family meetings to discuss sibling rivalry and gather input from your children would be helpful. As parents, you set the limits on their behaviors and set up specific consequences if they break the rules. To get agreement from them on what is appropriate behavior and consequences when they are broken would be helpful but good parenting demands you make the ultimate decisions to have reasonable sibling rivalry. They need to know the choice is to be civil or lose their privileges.
4. Applaud good interaction and problem solving between them. This may be the best way to get the behaviors you desire. Most people are motivated when we notice and praise good things about them.
I believe you will have good success if you are decisive and very clear cut with the behavioral expectations and consequences for inappropriate and destructive attitudes and behaviors.