Question
Dr. Braccio: I have a dilemma.I have an 11 year of son that resulted from a brief relationship with a silifke eskort ilanları military person. He has always paid support, but only after an initial paternity fight. He has recently retired and three months ago, at least temporarily, moved to this area. He says he retired as early as he could to come here. He has no other children. I’ve had no other children and have recently come through a terrible relationship and divorce. We’ve been dating and my son is so happy to have him near. He’s so proud to have his dad at his events and in his life. They get along very well. This is particularly true because my ex-husband treated him so badly. He could never do anything right. What do I do? I never really knew him and wonder what is the best thing to do. He’s being good to me. He’s not been involved as he traveled from place to place over the years. He only saw him three times over those years and only called on his birthday and major holidays. He wants to develop a relationship with me and his son. He seems to be trying hard. Can I trust him? What should I do?
Answer
I would be wary of him. If you decide to enter a relationship with him, you need to do it slowly. That you are already dating shows the process has begun. If he is good to your son over a period of time, that would be a good gauge to use as far as the two of you are concerned. Because of what already has happened to your son, you cannot risk him again being hurt and “treated badly”.
That he is the father and they are now bonding will be positive if he maintains himself in his life. It is possible he has now placed his priorities in order. However, his lack of visits and contacts over the years has to make you cautious. This is true even though he was in the military. That he retired as soon as he could is positive. That he chose not to live near his son and did not leave the military sooner raises questions and puts up a flag of caution.
At a positive level, his coming to live near you and his son is very positive. That he is trying to build a relationship with both of you is positive. That both of you are alone and have one child is a good reason to be together, even with all of the intervening years.
Because of the potential problems that could occur to all of you emotionally, you might find working with a therapist experienced in complicated family relationships could be helpful. If there is a spiritual component to your lives, a pastor could also be helpful.
A big question is whether he will stay near his son if the two of you do not come together as a couple. This could be devastating to your son if he were to leave. If not already, you must openly discuss this.
Your situation is very complicated. It appears to have all the makings of great potential or great disaster. That he “treats you good” and gets along “very well” with your son are most positive factors. Because of the potential good for all of you, to attempt to have the relationship work seems worth the effort; however, please be cautious prior to making any major commitments.