Question
I have a temper problem.I usually can control myself, but bayan escort mersin sometimes I just plain lose it. It only seems to happen with people I love or am close to. I grew up in a home where I was yelled at and criticized all the time. I would get so angry and eventually feel so ashamed. I felt like a bad person and loser. Now I often distort what people I care for say, particularly my wife and children. I interpret what they say in a negative and demeaning way. How can I stop doing this? They walk on eggshells and are long past being tired of me and my unpredictable attitude and anger. I need to change. I’m really a good person. How can I change?
Answer
Dr. Braccio: You appear to often interpret what is said to you as if someone from your “difficult youth” were talking to you. In effect, you distort what is said and give negative meaning to what could even be a very positive statement. The result of the follow up blow ups is that people fear to talk to you, do not share their feelings, and the end result is poor communication and the sometimes hostile environment you do not desire. Your self-esteem, as well as those you attack, suffers horribly.
You need to closely monitor your reactions to what your family says. The following are some things you can do to work on “your anger problem” from a family resolution perspective:
1. When beginning to feel angry, pause and put your mind on something else. Remember that this anger is your choice. If it’s a bad choice, then select a more loving/caring choice to respond instead of reacting in anger.
2. Meet with your wife and children and say you love them unconditionally, feel bad you hurt them but often distort what they say in a way that you become angry. Also say you are going to change and want their support. They know this, but it is good to admit you are wrong and apologize. The first step in change is to acknowledge the problem, that you have done wrong, and will change.
3. Explain how you were always criticized and felt demeaned and then ashamed as a child and these feelings sometimes come back. Say how painful it is to relive these feelings. Emphasize you get angry over the past and not the present. This explanation does not excuse you or minimize the hurt your angry behaviors cause to them. The advantage is that there is understanding and a basis you all can work from.
4. Commit yourself to change and work at it very hard. Confronting your vulnerabilities and fears of rejection and disapproval will begin to defuse your anger bombs.
5. Meet periodically with your family for positive feelings and encouragement and discuss
how things are progressing. Open discussion can result in greater understanding by all of
you.
6. When monitoring your outlook on statements that begin to cause you anger, ask: How
am I perceiving that I am being shamed or demeaned? What possible negative motive could my wife or children have? Am I overreacting to the hurt I feel? Am I not accepting fair criticism or an honest disagreement? How am I taking care of myself in this situation? How am I loving and respecting others?
7. Spend three twenty minute periods per day visualizing what you want your behavior to become. Practice and role play in your mind how you would prefer to respond to situations with love and caring as opposed to reacting to them with anger and hostility. Practice these dialogues and role play with others until you have a new behavior pattern that works. Become the change you want!
8. Learn to “step out” of yourself when you begin to feel upset and observe what is happening and why you are choosing your reactions. When you make these observations in a non-blaming way towards yourself and others, then you have the opportunity to make better choices for improved behaviors.
It will be very hard work for you to make the changes you desire. The old tapes from dysfunctional periods of your life are very hard to overcome. Some people never do and make themselves and everyone close to them miserable. Do not let this control issue happen to you and your family. Awareness of this is the beginning of positive change. Remember, the past is gone and today brings new opportunities for loving choices.
If you find you are not able to control your inappropriate anger, you can seek out a therapist who is an expert in anger management. This may be the best approach.