Tag: dealing with difficult people

November 12, 2024- I think most of us really desire to be a likable person. From a survival point of view, humans have always needed to be likable to get along with each other and build relationships in order to survive emotionally and sometimes physically. This is still true whether it be a social group, a family, the military, a business or whatever group there is that requires teamwork. Teams do not work well when the members do not see each other as likable. One could strongly argue that in order to have any short or long-term relationship, there needs to be a beginning where there is a feeling of likability between the persons. One need not be a psychologist to be aware of how far happier and successful one will be with interactions and relationships based on being likable. People who are not likable may get to accept it, but generally deep down do not like this but too often cannot seem to figure how to make themselves more likable. In fact, they can become less likable by being upset that others do not like them and let them know it . Because self-esteem is closely related to how others see us, being likable is very important to how we see ourselves and something we should try to develop. The following are traits that relate to being likable. I am not saying one needs all of these traits to be likable, but certainly one needs some of them: 1. A simple smile whenever you meet someone. 2. Listen and pay attention when interacting . 3. Authentic and not fake. 4. Admit when you make mistakes. 5. Tolerant and understanding of persons. 6. Respect for others and their views. 7. Not act as a “know it all.” 8. Remember the person by name. 9. Be honest. 10. A sense of humor. 11. Respectful 12. An accepting body language 13. Human touch as appropriate. 14. Turn off the phone. 15. Make eye contact. 16. Mirror body language.

October 29, 2024- It is difficult enough making good decisions in life, even with the best of information available. The dilemma of overthinking is that one is constantly living with problems in decision-making whether they are past decisions or those we are going to make in present and then future decisions that will need to be made. A further problem is they tend to be negative. This can result in such mental health conditions as anxiety, depression, PTSD, OCD and panic attacks. This is not to say that everyone has all these conditions, but they are often present with persons who have problems making decisions or looking at what they have done or the possible consequences of decisions in the present or future. Add on top of this that persons who overthink often tend to be negatively evaluating the whole process of decision-making to the point that they end up with mental health issues. This trend to see decision-making in a negative light often leads to an inability to make decisions, which of course, then brings on the mental health issues.This endless loop on decision-making can be overwhelming for persons. Let us make sure that we are not confusing doing the groundwork necessary to make good decisions but rather overthinking decisions in a way that they are never made or will be simply reviewed negatively from the past. I might add as a longtime psychologist, this is a more common problem than one might think. It also is true that most of us if we honestly look at ourselves or analyze persons we know in family or outside of it, we can see overthinking is often present. The following are some remedies to deal with the problem of overthinking: 1. Accept decisions you have made in the past and let them go. One cannot could have, might have, ought to have or should have done anything differently than they did. 2. Realistically look at the options one has, make a decision and live with it. 3. Accept you may have made bad decisions and may continue to make them. The point is to try to make good decisions and learn from any bad decisions we have made. 4. Replacing negative thoughts with positive thoughts when dealing with the inability to make decisions. When a thought comes into your mind that you cannot make a decision, you need to tell yourself yes you can make a good decision based on the best information available to you. This is obviously easier said than done, but needs to be worked on a little bit at a time. 5. If you find you cannot solve this problem of not being able to make a decision and it is causing you mental health distress, now is the time to seek out an experienced therapist who can help you overcome this problem.

October 15, 2024-

HOW TO HELP YOUR DEPENDENT ADULT CHILD

One of the most difficult things for an adult parent to do is to separate themselves from requests from adult children that are harmful to both. Good parents never quit loving their children, regardless of their age. Problems occur when parents, regardless of the reason, find themselves helping out their adult children in a never-ending stream of needs ranging from financial to overwhelming emotional. To help out a child in a difficult financial or emotional relationship situation is what good parents do. When the help leads to dependency on the part of the children on their parents, then something needs to change or it will be a never-ending dependent relationship where the child will not be launched into life with its necessary responsibilities, but rather will be living off of their parents as if they are still young dependent children. This is even more essential if the relationship has never evolved from a dependent child into an adult adult relationship. If you find yourself in such a situation, the following are things to do to return your relationship to hopefully one of two loving independent family adults sharing a loving lifelong family relationship: 1. Determine if you honestly enjoy the dependency and find it hard to say no because it makes you feel better about yourself. 2. Determine what would be reasonable boundaries to help yourself be more responsible as a loving family member, and at the same time helping your child be a responsible adult. 3. Make sure you do not allow your dependent child to use emotional blackmail in the sense that if you do not help them, you will be letting them down as if you were still responsible as a parent for them and they may even indicate you may not be able to see the grandchildren or them if you do not help them get what they want. It is critical not to allow this to happen to you. 4. If your children are financially dependent on you, you need to set up a timeline when you are going to have them be responsible for themselves. A crisis will eventually occur when you stop the funding unless they begin to take responsibility for their own financial needs. 5. If your child is emotionally dependent on you and wearing you out emotionally ,you need to give advice when it is asked, but not become emotionally distraught yourself as you inappropriately take on the emotional burdens of your children. 6. Accept you must stick to the boundaries you have set and recognize that you must stop the process in order to have any lasting change. 7. If you are not able to implement the boundaries that you need to have in order to set your child free to become an independent person, then you can consider bringing in family, friends or an experienced therapist in such matters to help you in the process…This is going to be a very difficult situation for you to change. Oftentimes, this codependency has been in place for many years and may have always been in place since your children became adults. Whatever the situation, the time to change the relationship into a healthy one is now. You both need it.

10-09-2024- I believe renewing old friendships is always a good idea. This is particularly true in an age when so many persons feel isolated and do not have enough human contact and non-human electronic communication is often the major means of communication they have. It also is true we live in an aging population time with constant geographical change that results in persons either losing friends due to death or not living near them and losing contact. I believe renewing old friendships is also helpful even if you do have a loving partner, family and friends. Too often persons become too insulated and judgmental in their life outlook by only being around persons who think like them and a broader perspective can be helpful. It also is true that in spite of the tremendous amounts of information available, persons often tend to filter so much available information in a way to only reinforce their views. This is not necessarily a negative thing in itself, but if we want to be as well rounded as we can be, it is always useful to have insights and ideas from other persons different from our own. My wife and I recently have been making contact with friends we knew many years ago, and even have had a chance to meet with many of them in Miami and Michigan. This past weekend I talked to someone I had not seen for decades at a party about fond memories I have of his mother who died over thirty-five years ago. He was very happy to hear my memories. The following are specific advantages of renewing old friendships and keeping the contact current and alive: 1. A big advantage of the electronic age is that it does allow us to talk and see each other, regardless of where in the world we live. 2. It is always helpful for one’s memory to be in contact with friends from the past and relive old memories. 3. If someone were a friend of yours somewhere in your voyage of life, then keeping that friendship alive enriches both of your lives. 4. You will be surprised at how happy most people will be to hear from you and you may hear compliments from them that you made contact and added some brightness to their lives. 5. You may gain some insights on how to look at life through the prism of someone living a very different life. This is true even if your current views on life are very different but both are honorable. 6. As people age or periodically move geographically, their circle of friends often decreases, 7. It is easier to continue long time friendships than go through the long term process of developing new ones…If we are maintaining contact with old friends and have them continue as current friends, the odds are far better we will not end up isolated or so narrow in our views that we run the risk of having trouble having friends or being friends with anyone.

September 30, 2024-

HOW TO GET YOUR MOTIVATION BACK

Motivation is that quality that drives us to satisfy needs that we have and to achieve goals we set to have our dreams come true. It can be intrinsic or extrinsic. A person usually has some combination of both. Intrinsic motivation is that something within us that leads us to want to achieve something,to reach a goal such as learning a trade, graduating from high school/college, finding a lifelong partner to meet our intrinsic needs to love and be loved,meeting a sales goal or simply finding things to make a person happy. Extrinsic motivation comes from outside of us. It usually has some connection to desiring something. It could include financial like a bonus or higher pay, and/or more authority/responsibility,more education/training or receiving praise and/or encouragement from someone we desire it from. The list of possibilities is huge. The combination is what would be what is required to be motivated in life. When our motivation is lacking in either or both of these areas, it can lead to lack of satisfaction in life and health conditions such as headaches, anxiety or depression. It also is true that mental health conditions such as anxiety and depression or physical ailments can lead to a person not having the energy,ability or positive approach to life that is needed in order to be motivated to complete desired activities. The following are things someone can do to try to get their motivation back: 1.Taking an honest look at yourself and determining why you have lost your motivation. 2. Determine what you desire to achieve and what is possible. 3. Seek inspiration from others who once lacked motivation, but came back to be motivated and successful. 4. Determine if anxiety and depression are the cause of your lack of motivation and seek out the psychological and medical support you may need to overcome them. 5. Determine if physical ailments are impacting your motivation and ability to meet goals. 6. Determine if some combination of poor diet, too much caffeine or alcohol, lack of exercise and not enough sleep negatively impact your ability to be motivated. 7. Determine if you are burned out,stressed out or overwhelmed so you are not able to function. 8. Ask for help and insight from professionals and/or those you respect and look up to. 8. Reassess your goals realistically and determine what can be done to best help you get your motivation back. 9. Do self-care and determine that you deserve to be loved by yourself and others. 10. Set goals that are rewarding, specific and reasonable…After you’ve done this, start moving forward and taking control of your life. Lack of motivation hits most people at one time or another. It is important for perspective that you realize you are not alone losing motivation. No, millions of people have lost motivation but overcome it and have been able to get back on the right track. The important thing to remember is that you can do it and each day is the beginning of the rest of your life. Now is the time to be as motivated as you can to seek out realistic goals to make your dreams come true. .

September 24, 2024- Briefly defined, Helicopter Parenting is when a parent becomes overprotective and involved in every aspect of their child’s life. My point is not that being involved with your child and trying to make sure they can be as successful as possible both emotionally and physically is bad. No,to the contrary,that is what good parenting is all about. The problem is that Helicopter Parenting does not allow children to grow and develop their own personalities dealing with the ups and downs that life throws at each of us. Effective parents have guard rails to make sure their child does not stray into dangerous and inappropriate activities for their age. They function as loving advisors who help them through difficult situations but do not take over for them. Sadly,even when with the best of loving intentions,Helicopter Parents can negatively develop dependency,low self esteem,anxiety,depression and poor interpersonal communication skills in the children they love so dearly and do not want to be hurt emotionally or physically. Typical behaviors of Helicopter Parents would include the following: 1. Completing homework assignments and projects. 2. Calling the school and other parents over minor problems their children are having and putting all the blame on others. 3. Micromanaging all aspects of the lives of their children. 4. Excessive control. 5. Demand for total acquiescence/obedience. 6. Involvement in even minor activities like what flavor of ice cream to eat. 7. Total control of friendships. 8.Will not allow different thoughts and opinions from their own. 9. Will not allow a child to flourish as a free thinking person. 10. Excessive social media tracking. 11. Excessive anxiety and fear that something terrible will happen to their children even if as unlikely as a plane falling out of the sky and killing them. 12. Trying to not allow their children to make mistakes. 13. Little or no insight into the inappropriateness of their behaviors and the emotional harm they can cause their children.

September 10, 2024- Many people see aging as negative and something that will bring less satisfaction to a person. Many of these persons also believe youth is where happiness is greatest, and after that there may be satisfaction, but nothing like being young. Others believe people are either happy or unhappy, and that is how they are and will be their whole lives. Because of the differences in outlook that human beings have and their life experiences,it is really difficult to answer the question relating to whether someone older or younger is happier. For the sake of discussion, I believe there are many reasons that many persons can have tremendous satisfaction and joy living their lives as they grow older. It may not be that level of joy and happiness that comes when one is young and everything in life can be so unique,exciting,tempting,exotic and wonderful. One may even hate to go to bed when young so they cannot continue doing what gives them such pleasure during the day. The world of gaming is a current such example. I certainly remember many days like that in my youth long before gaming. With that said, it is also true that adolescence can be a very difficult time for young people with levels of joy and satisfaction greatly reduced by such things as bullying, poor achievement, poor social skills, and problematic home environments. What can bring great joy and happiness to many persons in their middle and later ages could include the following: 1. Children raised and developing their own families and lives. 2. Less financial stress that occurs when one is not attempting to buy a home, raise money for retirement, raise children and obtain things that are involved in bringing happiness to a person. 3. More satisfaction and acceptance of a job situation with retirement in sight. 4. Retirement and the ability to have far less stress in life and do things they were not able to do during the hectic periods of early marriage, financial distress, and child rearing that while exciting and even joyful, may have been very stressful. 5.Stability and love in a marriage or relationship. 5.Spending time with friends as desired in a leisurely manner. 6.Finding purpose in life as physical passions cool and the inevitable biological clock unwinds in each person’s life.