June 27, 2023
The primary goal of a therapist is to help a person make the changes they have control of in their lives. An additional necessary component in a person’s life is to find ways to diplomatically request a spouse or partner to make desired changes they do not seem willing to make. Typical examples would be not being on time, not paying attention, always being on the cell phone or computer, not willing to discuss areas of concern, and maybe not even accepting there are problems, not eating together as a couple or family, not going out on dates, not worshiping together, or any other concern that can occur in a relationship. The important thing is how to address the area of concern diplomatically and not cause anger and resentment. These feelings may result, but the chances of them occurring are much smaller if you use diplomacy rather than what is perceived as a frontal attack mode. This is difficult to do because when we desire change and are not happy about something,it is too easy to appear to be attacking a person and not trying to find a resolution to a problem that is of concern to you. The first thing is to try to look at your area of concern from the perspective of your spouse. There may be a reason they are behaving the way they are and not willing to change. Once you fully understand the motivation, then it is important to determine the best way to diplomatically approach the area of concern and hopefully come up with a resolution that both of you find acceptable. It is important to present your concerns using the word “I” as opposed to “YOU”. For example, you can make a statement such as,“ I feel not connected to you when we are sitting together and you are constantly on your phone or on your computer and we are not having quality interaction”. Something not to say that could lead to an immediate confrontation would be, “You are disrespecting me by not interacting with me and always focusing on that ridiculous phone or computer. Your clueless insensitivity really makes me mad and even enraged.” The second statement will just lead to confrontation, and most likely there will not be a resolution; and if so, it will be one done with resentment that will cause problems in the relationship in one way or another. As a person who has worked with couples for decades, I have seen problems occur over and over again when diplomacy is not used when requesting a change in a spouse or partner. It also is important to note that even if you do use diplomacy after you have tried to put yourself in the shoes of your spouse to get their perspective, it is possible they will say no, and you must take this into account when you begin the discussion. There may be a change in the future, but for now you must realize this is a possible outcome. It also is possible you will get a partial change, but not the change that you fully desire. An example of this would be that your spouse is willing to spend an hour each evening with all electronics and other distractions off for quality interaction. You may desire far more than that, but must accept a partial change is better than no change. In life, success is best measured in the happy person by how much they gain and not how much they lose. That attitude combined with diplomacy can lead to many problem resolutions that otherwise could result in constant arguing and hurt feelings.