Tag: relationship

June 11, 2024- It’s still amazes me how many adult children who have toxic parents are not aware of it. They will often complain about feeling overwhelmed by parents or feeling they can never meet their approval or that they feel that their needs come second to their parents or they feel they are always letting their parents down. Sometimes when they finally realize or are willing to admit they have toxic parents, they are somewhat in shock. They may know it, but they do not like to admit it. They have conditioned their lives to do what the toxic parent wants. Typical examples of the toxic parent would be they are narcissistic, they want control, they are critical of whatever you do, they lack boundaries, they play the victim, and you are in a situation where you can never get their approval. Because toxic parents know how to push your buttons, as they have created them over the years, it can be difficult to separate yourself from them and recognize you are not wrong when you have these feelings of never being able to satisfy a parent and having negative feelings about yourself. The things you need to do in order to free yourself from the control of the toxic parent, assuming your goal is not to sever the relationship completely but to keep it under control, would include the following: 1. Stop trying to do everything you can to make them happy. Accept you can never accomplish that. 2. Set boundaries of what you find are acceptable behaviors by your parents and enforce them. If they believe they can control you at any time of the day or night and demand you do things, now is the time to say that is not going to happen anymore. 3.Accept they are not going to change, but accept you can change. 4. Do not allow your parents to define who you are. That is your right and responsibility as an adult. 5. Your toxic parents will no longer be the judge and jury of your behaviors and what you are doing. 6. Recognize the manipulation they do and do not not allow it to occur. 7. Seeking out an experienced therapist may be helpful if you need support in altering a relationship with toxic parents… these may seem when reading them or hearing them to be simple things to do. They are not simple things to do. If they were, the person would recognize they have toxic parents and they would not allow them to control and manipulate them. Now is the time to take a look at the relationship you have with your toxic parents and determine how healthy the relationship is from an emotional perspective. If you feel it is not appropriate, and there is a major level of toxicity, now is the time to follow some of the suggestions I have mentioned and put things in a proper perspective. You are each an adult responsible for your own actions without all controlling toxic parents demanding they control yours.

June 4, 2024- STOP BEING A CONTROL FREAK- Even though there is no psychological diagnosis for a control freak, it is a term people understand and it is clearly used to identify persons who try to control every aspect of many if not most things in their lives. We tend to think about the havoc they cause the persons they interact with as they tend to deal them out of possible joint activities or demand they behave exactly as the control freak states. Control freaks are often the result of high-levels of anxiety, low self-esteem, fear of failure, personality disorders, perfectionism and a clear overriding desire to control all aspects of a situation. Often when experiencing interactions with the control freak trying to control all aspects of a project or even a person’s life, it can be very frustrating. It also can create great anger and either damage or destroy relationships with people. The point here is to recognize that control freaks are often not happy and desire control over activities to make up for inadequacies they do not see in themselves but falsely see in others. If you are a control freak and desire to end the unhappiness that accompanies the need for total control, the following are things you can do to overcome this type of behavior: 1. Determine why you do it. Find the reason. Is it control, reducing anxiety, fear of failure, need to dominate, perfectionism, etc.? 2. Be aware of what you were thinking and self reflect on what you are doing and saying when you go into control freak mode. 3. Be aware of those around you and accept the negative impact your controlling ways are having on them and your relationships. 4.Talk to friends, associates and family to determine how they see you and get suggestions from them on how you might become more reasonable and less controlling. They may genuinely care for you and want to help you. 5. Make it a priority to bring others into the decision making process and implementation. 6. Move forward at a pace you feel comfortable but clearly moving forward. 7. Eliminate controlling and even demeaning vocabulary from your speech. 8. You can seek out a trained and experienced therapist to help you get over your control freak ways as you feel that would be helpful.

May 28, 2024- Too many successful persons live their lives without the enjoyment of celebrating their successes. Too often, persons go from one activity to the next without taking a time out to enjoy what they have accomplished. They run the risk of leading what is seen as a successful life to others but not for them. They may accomplish a long term goal of maybe many years that they desired, but realize at that time they never enjoyed the road of life to get there. They then often can be very disappointed and even very depressed. Life has an expiration date and to not enjoy it as we live it is a big mistake if not a tragedy. This does not mean that one does not tend to business and is always celebrating themselves. No, the point is that in order to have good self-esteem it is necessary that one be aware of the successes they have and celebrate them. This type of self encouragement will lead to even more successes. The enjoyment that comes from the successes one has in one’s life carries over to better self esteem and more successes. Not acknowledging your successes as you have them can make for a tedious life with little enjoyment as one goes from one task to another. To just lead a life without stopping to enjoy their personal,family,friendships and work successes would be like taking a coast to coast drive from the Atlantic Ocean to the Pacific Ocean and not stopping to notice the beautiful natural and human made marvels along the way. Enjoying life requires one to periodically take time out from the pressures of life and congratulate self on accomplishments ranging from good friendships, successful work experiences, caring family experiences, completion of activities to something as basic as sitting down and reading a book or watching a movie. The list is as long as activities you try to do and have success. I hope this can be a wake up call to persons stuck in the drudgery of life and not enjoying their successes. This often leads to unhappy lives which can lead to less fulfilling personal, family and work experiences in general. If you feel this is you, now is the time to simply make some changes in your life. Take time outs from the successes that you have and enjoy them like you do a wonderful meal with friends and family. Even if you feel you do not have many successes in your life, if you look hard, you will find some. If you start focusing more on those successes and enjoying them, that will open the door to more successes. Let this be the first day of you more celebrating your successes and enjoying everything that will result from it in personal satisfaction. You will also find those around you will enjoy you more and enjoy your successes with you. A bonus is that you will not only be a happier person, but you will be a more enjoyable person who persons will want to spend time with.

05-21-2024- Most persons you talk to would admit that listening skills are critical in successful relationships. They also would indicate many of the persons they interact with do not listen to them. The one element that is often lost is that the person agreeing to this is often not a good listener or is someone who could be a far more effective person with better relationships if they could find a way to become a better listener. The positive thing is that one can develop better listening skills by simply trying to pay better attention to persons they talk to and with intentionality respond with caring, understanding and empathy. Too often in this busy electronic based society,people have lost the skills of in person interaction that is made even worse with persons so busy leading their own lives that they have little desire to interact with others; and if so,often simply only want to talk about themselves and their areas of concern. A good way to improve your listening skills would include such basic things as making direct eye contact and showing the person verbally and with body language that you care. This means you need to take a time out from whatever you were thinking about and try to give attention to the person you are talking to. You need to let the person get out their whole message and try to understand it. If concerned you can go back and reframe what the person says to make sure you fully understand it and let them know you are paying attention and trying to understand what is being said. You show the person you care about them and what they are saying when you respond to what they are saying and give feedback. Not enough to interfere with their decision-making, but in the form of understanding and trying to help the person get out whatever they are trying to say. This may seem simple enough, but it is an area that a large percentage of persons fail. You can just randomly talk to people you know and they will tell you how hard it is to find someone they can talk to with empathy and desire to understand their feelings. We all need validation of who we are, what we think about and what is important to us. When we validate the concerns of the person, make an effort to understand what they are saying and try to be helpful as they make decisions or express feelings that are important to them, you are then better developing listening skills. This is often called active listening when a person listens intently to another person to try to fully understand what they are saying. They do not have to fully agree with what the person is saying, but are willing to totally listen to what is being said in an attempt to understand what the person is saying. They do not judgmentally enter into the discussion and often end it with statements like, “You should do this” or “Quit thinking that way”. Good listening requires a person not to squelch the opinions persons talk about but give every attempt to understand what is important to them. A complaint a person might have in hearing this is that other persons never listen to them. They can use that as an excuse not to listen to others. The important thing to remember is that successful relationships require that each person effectively listen to the other person. If each person makes every effort to try to understand the views of those we interact with, we will not only be a more empathetic and caring person, but we will have far more successful relationships with human beings which we all need to have good self-esteem and lead happy lives.

May 15, 2024- Bipolar disorder is a mental health condition that causes extreme swings of mood in a person. They can be very disrupting to both them and those around them who do not understand their condition. Bipolar disorder was previously called manic depression. The emotional difficulties result from a person trying but not able to lead a normal life without any control of mood. They too often are either depressed or in an exceptionally good mood. We tend to think of persons like this as moody and not aware how difficult it can be for them to lead their lives. It is important to note everyone has shifts in mood from sad and depressed to being quite happy. Those are the normal emotional swings of a human being. It is when they become so noticeable they not only impact themselves,but also those around them. Often,people are not comfortable being with them. The manic state can be annoying to others when the person is so revved up and positive they discuss doing things that everyone knows at that time they are not capable of achieving. While that can be annoying and difficult, the sadness and depressed mood that regularly occur with bouts of depression are clearly a difficult time for them and those around them. It is important we have sympathy and understanding for persons with this condition. Could you imagine being in a situation where your mind shifts from mania or hypomania, which is not as high a level as mania, where you can be filled with energy and excitement and all of a sudden find yourself depressed, and sad and not sure when you will come out of it. Both mood swings can affect sleep levels, judgment, relationships, job security, behavior, desire, substance abuse and the ability to get things done