Question
Dr.Braccio: I’m feeling karatay olgun bayan very defeated. I’m a first year graduate student but my mother still controls me through guilt! Of the three sisters, I’m the only one who can‘t break away. She’s broken up two relationships of mine by putting what I see now as false doubts in my mind. She now wants me to call her all the time so she won’t worry about me. My sisters, even if lovingly, laugh at me and tell me it’s time to break away. I want to but it would so hurt her feelings. I know she loves me and will do anything for me. What can I do? This is harder than people seem to think it is.
ANSWER
Let me begin by agreeing “this is harder that people seem to think it is”. Guilt mixed with genuine love is what causes so much conflict among otherwise loving and caring family persons. However, do not confuse “love” for dependency!
It is possible that your mother is undergoing a less-than-fortunate transition in her life. One dynamic that could be affecting your relationship is the “empty-nest” syndrome. The possibility of her losing her family parent/child patterns may feel very threatening to her. This has clearly happened with your sisters. That is her problem, not yours, unless you choose to continue as you are.
Obviously, this is not a harmonious and growing relationship for you. Of primary importance is that you are allowing fear to control you. It is shown in your projections about what might happen if you follow your own path through life“…it would so hurt her feelings”. As for yourself, if you don’t change this pattern, will you not feel unhealthy, unhappy and unfulfilled? What kind of a price are you paying for your mismanagement of your feelings and respect towards yourself and your mother?
It is critical for you to have the courage to enter into a sincere and honest dialog with your mother on this issue. Do not compromise yourself. Your mother is responsible for her feelings, not you. You have plenty of reasons to manage your emotional energies in a more wholesome way. As you advance your growth in academic skills through your schooling, it is time to advance your emotional maturity through making loving choices to clearly establish and maintain your personal boundaries. By all means, take every freedom to resist taking on any responsibilities for your mother’s feelings and resist feeling badly about your choice to become yourself. This can lead to a much healthier relationship with your mother that will be far more fulfilling for both of you. Even though difficult at first, I believe both of you will see this in the future.
This transition from guilt and dependence to mature love and mutual respect will be very difficult for both of you. Your mother cannot let you go and you cannot take your freedom.
You must make good decisions for you. Accept guilt is a useless emotion in this case and gradually, if not already, will lead to anger and tremendous resentment towards your mother. A starting point would be to meet with your sisters to discuss this situation and hopefully set some direction. If they cannot help you, a therapist experienced in such matters could be helpful.
Any questions or comments would be appreciated.