Question
Dr.Braccio: We were recently unnerved when our six year began crying hysterically and begging silifke eskort ilanları us to quit fighting and yelling at each other. He said he can’t stand it. After getting over our shock, we hugged him and said we would try. We actually argue all the time and it seems like each of us likes to try to subdue the other and we won’t stop. The problem is that we can’t agree on most things except that we love our two children and will stay together. What can we do? We obviously enjoy arguing, even though we admit we go too far and we’re often angry at each other. We also want our children to be peaceful and happy persons.
Answer
You need to become a “couple” that discusses issues without the need to have a winner by one of you trying to “subdue” the other. Obviously, and fortunately, neither of you is about to be subdued.
You need to compromise, fight fairly, and respect each other. You do none of these when you constantly enter into a never ending power struggle. The fact you are “often angry at each other” certainly takes a toll on each of you and your relationship. The end result will not be pretty. The result on your son is unfair and ugly.
That your son is so upset over you “fighting and yelling” is a clear sign you need to learn to communicate and problem solve in a far more genteel manner. Use the concerns of your son as a “wake up” call to change your destructive interaction patterns. Love cannot grow or even survive in an environment where “to subdue’ is the goal. The fruits of your interactions are anger, hurt, rage, and eventually hatred.
“Coupleness” is a wonderful thing to develop as we walk the road that is our lives. It is needed in order to be a loving and effective couple and family. What you do not understand yet is that a healthy marriage and family life must be based on teamwork and mutual respect.
You two need to model the type of loving, peaceful, and effective interactions to best guarantee your children will be “peaceful and happy persons”. Predictably, your children will grow up “yellers” or be intimidated by “yellers” if you persist in your competitive and destructive interactions. Either of these outcomes will result in a person who will have problems effectively interacting with people in life. They do not deserve this.
I would suggest all four of you can be “peaceful and happy persons” by being positive, tolerant, and understanding of your individual differences and outlooks. Not only would you two get along remarkably better, but you would show by example how human beings problem solve in an environment where individual opinions are respected even when there are disagreements.
The huge advantages changing your negative interactions are without a disadvantage. The disadvantages, including destroying your marriage and the family life of your children, justify immediate change. Even though it is difficult to change ingrained behaviors, you can do it. Redirect and harness your enormous negative energy into positive energy. It is exciting to think of what you will accomplish for the happiness of you and your children!