Question:
Dr.Braccio: I’ve found out my karatay bayan escort fifteen year old son has stolen some CDs from his uncle. I checked in his room and found them hidden. My brother had called me and asked me if they were in my house because he believed my son took them because he was the last person with them. He also said he thinks he has taken other things from him. I honestly told him I thought no but would check. When I asked my son, he got mad at me and his uncle and said he didn’t have them. My problem is that I’ve told my son I’ll never snoop and look around in his room without his permission. This was done when I found things I didn’t want in his room in the past and he agreed not to do it anymore or lie about it if I wouldn’t go into his room. I thought he’d been good recently. I’ve broken that agreement and found the CDs hidden between his mattress. What do I do? If I tell him, he’ll say I’ve broken our trust by doing this. I’m very confused.
Answer
You tell him you found the CDs and are very upset he stole them and then lied to you. Let him know how you feel when he steals and then lies to you about it. He needs to know that even though you love him and will help him anyway possible, lying and stealing are unacceptable behaviors.
Then tell him he broke his word that led to your “snooping” in his room. When you agreed to “never snoop”, that was made in good faith and trust that he would hold up his end of the agreement. When his uncle convincingly raised the issue of the stolen CDs, you had justifiable reason to suspect your son had nullified the agreement. As a parent, you must employ your judgment in these matters and you did so appropriately.
His lying and stealing have shown he has a lack of respect for you, his home, his uncle, and even for himself if to lie and steal are what he is choosing to do. It appears he has done this in the past and has not stopped.
A parent has a responsibility to give teenagers as much privacy as is possible; however, parents need the right to go into any part of the house when there is a concern something is there that the parent would find unacceptable. That is good parenting and respectful children accept this. What if there were drugs and he overdosed?
It is apparent from your own words that your son previously has had things in his room you find objectable and lied about it. To have agreed not to go in without his permission on his word he would not do it again was the wrong solution to the problem.
You need to do now what you needed to in the past. Tell him you’re going into his room will directly relate to the level of trust you have for him doing what you desire in your home. Yes, I said “your home”. For now, regular “snooping” will occur.
It is his job to build up your trust in him and not vice versa. Honorable and positive self-esteem are the personality traits of persons who are truthful and do what they say they will do. Effective parenting requires you to help your son stop lying and stealing. The end result will be a proud mother and a son respectful of himself, his mother, and his home.