Dr Braccio & Dave Akerly of 1320 discuss NEEDING BOUNDARIES IN CODEPENDENT RELATIONSHIPS W/ ADULT CHILDREN WHO WON’T BE RESPONSIBLE
03-08-2022
One of the most difficult situations for parents is when they have adult children who are not responsible and they are in the role of a codependent parent with the irresponsible child. Each is irresponsible in such relationships and cannot have an adult relationship with each other. For clarification, I am not talking about a situation where a child is in crisis and it is appropriate for the parent to step in and help the child get through the crisis. In this situation, I am talking about the child who is irresponsible and sometimes even demands that the parent save them and take on their own responsibility. The parent must stop being the savior even if it seems like the right thing to do. Situations would include children who can never keep a job and need money constantly, children who are financially irresponsible and always need money, children who are irresponsible parents and demand the parents do the parenting, children who bully and demean their parents to get what they desire, children who charm their parents as a means to effectively get what they desire, etc. The following are the types of boundaries a codependent parent must use in order to allow both the parent and child to be responsible adults and potentially have a mutual loving and caring relationship where each is independent. One. Do not allow your child to define you in a negative way that makes you give in to whatever is desired. Two. Do not allow bullying tactics to be used to shame you into doing irresponsible behaviors. Three. Make sure you will not give a yes or no answer when something is requested of you without having a day to think about it. Four. Recognize there must be a time you say “no” after a constant string of irresponsible behaviors by your adult children. They must swim on their own. Five. Encourage your child to be successful whenever you get the litany of problems the adult child has. Six. Recognize the codependent relationship is destructive emotionally for both of you. Seven. Seek out an experienced therapist to help you in your codependent relationship if you feel it would be helpful.