Question
Dr.Braccio: I’m feeling mersin anamur eskort bayanları guilty and afraid. My ex-wife and I married early and had two children before we were twenty. Mainly because of my immaturity and stupidity we were divorced by twenty-two. The problem is I’m only now getting more and more involved in the lives of my children. On the weekends I’ve had them, I always had my parents and sister look after them. I would make appearances and come for meals and movies, but little else. Only recently have I been spending Wednesday evenings with them. My parents for years paid much of my child support. My children are very happy as I spend more and more time with them. The problem is that their mother hates me and resents my new involvement. She recently said I never cared for them before and I look hypocritical playing the caring father to children she raised. She’s right and I do feel somewhat hypocritical. She says she wished she had turned them against me so she wouldn’t have to put up with me now. I’m afraid of what she tells them about me. But I do love them and will continue seeing them even if my ex-wife and her family resent me for it. How should I feel and what should I do? My parents tell me to be the father I need to be and not worry. They believe I must be patient and she will come around because she is basically a good person and a great mother.
Answer
You can feel bad for not being a good parent for many years and leaving your responsibilities to your parents and sister. With that said, you now need to be an effective parent. To your credit, you are now doing that. To continue as you did would be senseless. In effect, your parents and sister did your job. Thanks to them, you can now be the father you have not been.
That their mother is angry at you is reasonable from the perspective you hurt her and have not been raising these good children. Allow her this anger at you and do all you can to try to get along with her. It is your turn to be patient. Because she is a “a good person and great mother”, she will predicably accept you as a responsible parent. The important thing is to be consistent and loving when with the children.
If you have the courage, admit to your children, even though they know, that you have not been a good parent. That will be positive . You also can say you were not good to their mother but will try to be fair to her now as best you can. That can help them understand their mother’s anger and hopefully help her get over her great anger at you. She was raising the children while you did what you chose to do.
Verbally and/or in writing give credit to the mother in person for all she has done to raise the children. That will cost you nothing, will be true and may help her get over her resentment for you. You also can apologize for what you did to end the marriage and for not being there for years to co-parent.
That your parents and sister have been there for the children in your place has been critical. Without them, your relationship with your children would most likely not be anything like it is now. Praise them for helping raise your children and making it possible for you to begin effective and loving parenting.