Question
Dr.Braccio: My konya merkez escort son is 22 and still lives home and is not working. That is fine with me. He’s barely passing a few classes a semester and is still a freshman after four and a half years at the community college. We get along fine and he’s always friendly, helpful around the house and a good companion to take places and be with. His father, my ex-husband, and my parents have recently gone on the warpath and say I need to kick him out and make him take more responsibility for himself. They believe he needs to date, be with people his own age and get a job. They have confronted him and hurt his feelings. Even though he knows they mean to help him, he’s confused and says he’s happy and wonders why they won’t leave him alone. What do you think?
AnswerThis is an unusual situation. To not work, not date, not spend time with people his own age, run around with his mother and be a freshman after four and a half years of college does not seem like a good environment or lifestyle for him to mature and become a successful adult.
While he sounds like a wonderful young man, his growth seems to be stunted and he is behaving more like a well behaved low achieving 12 year old rather than a 22 year old.
Even if well intended, to attack him like his father and grandparents are is not only mean spirited but does not give him direction on how to change or what to change into. This situation has taken a long time to develop and will not change overnight.
Good parenting, even though he is 22 years old, is to help him develop into a secure and productive adult. The following are some things you might attempt to do:
1. Suggest he get a job and be with persons more his own age. If he does not take the suggestion, let him know you expect him to find a job with a time line.
2. Encourage him to speed up his college career and have him take more classes so he can graduate in the next three to four years rather than his current course of 13 more years. If he does not, give him a time to move out or pay room and board.
3. Let him know you expect him to work hard and be a good student if he is to live in your home.
4. Encourage him to join a social, church or civic group with persons his own age so he can date and interact with his peers. He needs to do something like this for his own personal development.
5. Sort out your own feelings. You may find both of you are in a co-dependent relationship which does not allow each of you to grow emotionally. He has few pressures and you enjoy his company.
6. Even though difficult, you may try to enlist the support of your parents and his father in a helpful way. They want what is right for your son, but need to find ways to positively dialogue with him to help him change.
7. A trained therapist in such matters could be helpful to you, your son and possibly the whole family in helping him advance in life.
8. Let him know you love him dearly but feel you both need to change.
9. If things do not change, you need to set a time line not only for him to work but when he must move out of your home and be on his own.
Focus on the fact your son is a wonderful young person. The goal is to simply help him develop as a person. He seems to now enjoy the peaceful and non-stressful life he has with you too much. You will not always be there and both of you need to move on in life into areas appropriate for your ages and places in life. This will be necessary but very hard for both of you.