Question
Dr.Braccio: My two teenaged children seem to always be taken advantage of by their mersin esc friends. Sadly, this has also been my lot in life. We give and give, but our friends ultimately seem to want to take advantage of us or not be helpful. They even often demand help and support from us while offering us none. I have tried to not have my children be like me but they’re having the same problems. What’s the problem? What can we do?
Answer
All three of you do not develop mature and mutually satisfying friendships. A close friend is in many ways “another you” that you can count on to discuss whatever you want openly and safely when feeling down, feeling good, feeling mellow, feeling ecstatic, etc. In effect, a person who will never betray you or misuse what you share and a person who enjoys your life as you enjoy theirs. A friend offers a peaceful psychological harbor where you are safe from the gales of life. It is a person who will treat you as you will treat that person. The roles of who is helping who the most will reverse over time as the ups and downs of life effects each of you. Over time, things will even out as each is a “true friend” and mutually helps and is helped by the other. Even though it is very hard to develop such friendships, you clearly never have gotten into a relationship that could result in such a friendship.
The primary problem is a lack of self-esteem. A true friendship requires equality. You must care for yourself equal to the other person. You in effect must “love thy neighbor as thyself”. You have lost the “thyself”.
A test for a friendship is if you feel good about yourself after interactions with that person. If this is not the case, it is not a good friendship and you should get out of it. This is not always easy to do. Persons that pose as friends but really only want our help and support are hard to get away from because they want the unfair relationship to continue for their own needs. As you said, unhelpful friends “even often demand help and support from us while offering us none.”
The following examples are types of behaviors that reflect a “false friendship”:
1. Promises are not kept.
2. Confidentiality is broken.
3. No sensitivity to your concerns while always focusing on the other’s concerns.
4. Lying. Truth is a minimal standard in any friendship.
5. A “competitor” who wants to win or outdo you all the time.
6. The “critic” who always finds fault with you.
7. The “controller” who wants you to behave and think in a certain way.
8. The “negative” person who brings you down by only finding the negative in everything, including you and your friendship!
9. The “equalizer” who absurdly makes sure there is an absolute fairness in the friendship. Usually, this is not only trying on the friendship, but often is an attempt to determine the course of the friendship.
10. The “analyzer” who wants to figure out every hidden reason why you do something. This is tiring and gets in the way of friendship.
If you know any of these “persons”, who are posing as friends, have the courage to change the rules or get them out of your lives. Life is too short to be hurt by persons who say they are friends. A false friend causes one far more hurt and grief than a known enemy.